forever // m.c (book 3)

21 - cause i know that you feel alone

song for the chapter: somebody loves you by betty who

Summer's POV

I sat silently in Dr. Reynold's office, staring at my hands folded in my lap. My appointment had started a half hour ago and I had yet to tell her a single thing.

"Please walk me through what happened," she gently urged. She said this every few minutes, trying to get me to open up.

"How about you try something?" I didn't answer, but she kept going. "Since you don't feel like talking today, I have another idea. Find a journal and start writing down your feelings of that day. If you feel up to it, you can write about what happened a few days ago. How does that sound?" I nodded slightly. "Good, then we can be done for today and maybe you'll feel like talking next week."

I didn't hesitate to stand and exit her office. Michael was sitting in the waiting room, scrolling through twitter. "Ready?" he asked, even though he knew I wasn't going to respond. "Alright," he sighed, following me out.

Michael drove us to my apartment, which he was currently staying at becuase the doctor said I shouldn't live alone. I went straight to my bedroom when we arrived, changing into some baggy sweatpants and a solid white t-shirt. I crawled under my duvet and soon drifted off to sleep.

***

"Hope, mommy's sleeping," I heard Michael telling our daughter.

It was three hours later, but I was still groggy and tired. I didn't feel like getting up, but I did and wandered into the living room.

"Mommy!" Hope exclaimed, a smile on her face. I didn't have the strength to smile back, but I loosely wrapped my arms around her. "I told you she was awake," she stuck her tongue out at Michael. "I forgot to tell you that the arts are saved! Daddy's band helped raise enough money."

"That's great," I said softly, my voice void of any emotion.

"I'm going to make you some tea," MIchael said, getting up from the couch. I didn't want any tea, but I didn't protest because he was going to make it anyway.

I cupped Hope's cheek with my right hand, examining her features. She looked more like Michael than me and I wondered if the baby I lost looked like him too.

"Why are you sad?" Hope asked.

I shook my head and dropped my arm to my side. I shuffled back to my room, closing the door behind me without giving my daughter an answer. Going over to the small wooden desk in the corner, I rifled through the drawers to find a journal. I had almost given up when I found one in the bottom drawer. I took a seat and opened it up, finding a blank page toward the middle. I put the date at the top right corner and began to write.

I feel so helpless, yet I don't want any help. When they offer to help me, the feeling of helplessness increases. I want to be self-sufficient, but instead I'm weak. I've always been weak, which is what I was thinking as I stood over the water. I wanted everything to disappear because I don't think I can do this anymore; life. It's too hard and I know that there are people that have gone through much worse, but the only thing I know is how life makes me feel and that's weak. I'm not strong enough to fight this so I crawled up on the ledge, my feet dangling over the dark blue water. It seemed to go on forever and I wanted to sink down. No one noticed me and it solidified my feelings of worthlessness.

I heard labored breathing behind me as I was about to push off the edge and just as red hair entered my line of vision, I knew the crashing waves below weren't going to save me.

"Winter," I recall him saying, using the nickname he had given me so long ago. It pained me, so I turned my head away from him. His strong arms wrapped around my body, lifting me off the ledge. I was weak, not being able to support my body on my own. "Thank god," he muttered under his breath as he helped support me.

I stared blankly in the distance, people being blurs in my vision. I don't remember anything after that, my memory is empty. I only recall waking up in an all white hospital room, my wrists tied down at my sides. I didn't fight it or try to get out of the restraints. Michael was sitting beside the bed, looking at me intently.

A day later, he brought me back to my apartment, explaining that he was going to stay with me for the time being. He agreed with the doctor that I shouldn't stay alone right now, afraid that I might try and hurt myself again.

I got prescribed these pills and they make everything seem dull. Colors are less vibrant, food tastes bland, and my emotions aren't as intense. Michael makes sure I take them at the specified time and that I swallow them. I feel like a patient in my own home.

A knock at my door causes me to set the pen down and close the journal. Michael enters, a mug in his hand. He places it in front of me on the desk and kisses my forehead.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, taking a seat behind me on the edge of my bed. I shook my head. "You need to eat, Summer." I shrugged in response, still facing away from him. "Come here," he begged, his voice filled with hurt and sadness.

I slowly got up, but stayed next to the desk.

"Here, not over there," he held out his arms for me. I slowly walked closer and stood between his legs. "Please talk to me, I miss your voice." I squeezed my eyes shut to try and stop my tears. "How could I not see this?" he wondered aloud. "How could I not see how bad this was getting and I screwed it up more by kissing you."

"It's not your fault," I squeaked out, my voice hoarse from not talking.

"But how could it not be?" He shook his head, a few tears falling down his cheeks. "It's my fault for everything. I've put you through so much shit over the years. If I just stayed away from you from the beginning, your life would be so much better."

"No," I shook my head, not stopping my tears now.

"Then tell me why it's not my fault," he said, taking my face in his hand and wiping away my tears with his thumbs. "I need to understand."

"Because I love you and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I thought you stopped," he breathed.

"Never," I shook my head. "My love for you is the strongest feeling I've ever had, even the pills don't dull it." My heart was controlling my body as I leaned forward and kissed him, our tears mixing together with passion.

hi, please vote/comment. and thank you for your endless support on this story, it honestly means the word to me. xx zoe