Can't Let Go - An SVU fic

Chapter 1

"So what are we going to do now that all of this is behind us?" Amanda asked Nick as they sat in a corner booth in the back of the out of the way diner where they'd decided to meet for coffee

"I don't know, I'm just taking it one day at a time - and wait, "we"?"

"Well, yeah" she smiled, having slipped off her shoe and was now trailing her toes up his inner thigh. "I mean we are together now, I figure we outta be thinkin about our future accordingly?"

"Whoa!" he exclaimed, both from her statement and where her toes were now resting. He took hold of her petite foot and gingerly moved it away towards the floor. "Amanda...what we were doin; I think I may have given you the wrong idea and I apologize for not being clearer"

"Clearer on what? Nick what exactly are you sayin?" he could see the anger rising in her eyes and knew that he should choose his words carefully; but how do you carefully tell someone - a friend, that what she perceived as a budding relationship was to him, just a series of hookups?

"Look I care about you" he started as he touched her hand"

"Oh god!" She uttered as she pulled it away and tears filled her eyes.

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you"

"Spare me the rhetoric Nick; I get it!" she quickly swatted at the tears that were now rolling down her cheeks

"We both had a lot goin on and just needed a shoulder...I thought you understood that goin in"

"What I understand" she cried as she got up from the booth "Is that I let myself love you and you sit here and tell me that it was just sex?!"

"Amanda..."

"Here I was, thinking that I was special; and you were different!" she grabbed her purse and jacket and began walking away.

"Rollins, wait!"

"Fuck you!" she screamed without turning around, her vision blurred by the tears that wouldn't stop falling as she stepped out into the night air. She knew good and well what an upset like this would drive her to and she couldn't let that happen.

"I need a meeting" she admitted to herself and set off to find one.

...

Inside, Nick sat feeling terrible. Hurting her wasn't what he wanted, but having gone through all of this nonsense with the Wilkes issue these last few weeks was a huge wakeup call to him; he had to get his life in order and sleeping with Amanda had been the wrong thing to do. He'd hurt her. And although he knew that she probably wanted nothing to do with him right now, he hoped that in the long run he wouldn't lose her as a friend.

...

Amanda walked in to the basement gymnasium of St. Anne's church just in time for the Gamblers anonymous meeting to start. Still visibly upset, she sat her purse and jacket down on one of the empty folding chairs that had been set up and walked over to the table on the other side of the space to pour herself a cup of coffee.

With a shaky hand, she picked up the coffeepot and slowly began to pour the steaming hot liquid into the Styrofoam cup she held in the other hand. when it was only halfway full, she returned the pot to its burner and forgoing cream or sugar she lifted the cup to her lips and took a sip, turning up her mouth at the too bitter, too burned taste. "Is there any such thing as good coffee at these meetings?" She wondered as she lowered the cup, her mind wandering back to just a half hour ago in the diner...

We both had a lot goin on and just needed a shoulder...I thought you understood that goin in...

Was he serious? After all they'd gone through, everything she'd done for him?