Heliophilia; d.m

XVI

DRACO

When she left, it was as if I experienced the full range of emotions, exploding inside me like firecrackers. When she left, touching my hand with her flying robes, I couldn't do anything, I thought I felt colder, I thought the sky was sinking lower and lower, pressing down on my skull.

When she left, it was like I experienced the full range of emotions, exploding inside me like firecrackers, and then I just went numb.

What I had thought was not serious, was serious to her, and now I stood alone in the middle of the empty lake shore, left by her.

I spent some more time there before returning to the common room, where I was greeted by an angry Kristen. I silently walked past her to the dorm, not wanting to have any contact with anyone, and spent the rest of the day there.

I gave Violet what she wanted. I left her alone, thinking that she needed a couple of days to think it over and come back to me.

I gave her time, I gave her space, and I didn't talk to her. All I could do was silently watch from the sidelines how sad she was at first, how she smiled when talking to Kristen, how she sat in class with someone else. I gave her her freedom, thinking that a couple of days wasn't too long. But after more days, weeks, we still weren't together.

Every time I started talking to her, every time I asked her for forgiveness, every time I promised her that this would never happen again, she was silent. She didn't say anything, but her face spoke louder than anything I could hear — she didn't trust me, and she didn't want to try.

And I left her alone again, because that was what she wanted, and I always put her wishes before mine.

VIOLET

We were back to where we had started.

We barely spoke a word to each other and didn't spend time together. And I had to admit that I was suffering. I was suffering because I was attached to him, and getting further and further away from him was a real torture. But I couldn't do anything else.

I could see that it, too, was not the same as before, as if he was fading more and more every day, just like the fire in our fireplace at the end of the day, where we had spent the last hours of the passing day and the first hours of the new day.

I missed it. Every day I missed the way my head rested perfectly on his shoulder, the way his fingers gently ran through my hair, sending goosebumps all over my body, I missed his wide smile and languid whisper in my ear, "Good night."

But every day I tried to convince myself that it wasn't what I thought it was. The thought of that bet still haunted me and I was afraid — I was afraid that by stepping over myself and coming back to him again, he would find a new way to trample on me and my heart, and it wasn't completely glued together yet.

The day after I found out the truth, he sat next to me again at breakfast, as if nothing had happened and the seat still belonged to him. And maybe I wanted him to stay, but it wasn't right, or at least that's what I thought.

A small part of me went out when we were no longer together, but when he once tried to repent again and I asked him to leave me alone again, that part of me turned to ashes. Because he left me alone, and we became strangers.

There was still a flower on his hand, which I'd drawn out of boredom in one of the classes, and every day I watched the ink grow paler, the flower fading, limp, as if sensing my inner state.

And one day the painted flower was gone, the only thing Draco had left of me was gone. And there was still nothing I could do.

He really destroyed my trust in him, which he had been building for about a year, and I wanted to trust him again, because when he was in my field of vision, my heart was still beating treacherously fast.

—

Months later, when I returned home for a few days, my condition did not go unnoticed by Mariel, as usual, she felt me better than anyone. Maybe that day, I came to her specifically so that she would tell me what to do, so that she would tell me something that could bring me a sense of peace.

"You look kind of sad. Are you alright?" She said, setting a mug of tea on the table in front of me, and immediately darted to the oven, wailing something under her breath, "Violet..." her voice sounded doomed, "Will just tea be enough for you?"

I was looking at the steam that was rising like dancing translucent flames over the mug when I noticed that I couldn't see it anymore, because everything was filled with a grey haze coming from the open oven. The smell of burning filled the room, and I turned to see Mariel slamming the oven door shut, holding a backing sheet with coals in her hands.

Everything she touched turned into chaos, and I wasn't surprised that what she wanted to bake just burned so much that I couldn't even figure out what it was.

"So, about you—" She sat down across from me, brushing strands of hair from her face, "What is it, darling?"

"I'm fine," I shrugged and took a sip from the mug, immediately wincing at how hot the liquid was, burning my tongue.

I didn't tell her or much less my father that I was in a relationship, much less with someone like Draco Malfoy. My death would have been the moment they found out.

And I would like to learn how to better hide my emotions and feelings, so that I do not have to frantically search for answers to her questions in my head.

"You're lying," She narrowed her dark eyes, causing wrinkles to form at the corners, "I can see right through you."

My mind involuntarily brought back to the surface of my memory the day Draco had said the same thing, "I can see right through you."

And he actually could, with him, I was always like an open book, which he read without missing a single line, not a single comma, and eventually it went against me.

"Hey?" Mariel snapped her fingers in front of my face and I had to blink several times to get out of this pool of unsolicited thoughts.

"You're right, I had a little fight with my friend, Kristen, I told you about her," I looked down, twirling the mug in my hands, pretending I was saddened, "I resent her, and I don't know what to do."

"If you say that you had just a little fight, then everything should be fine," Her face softened, and she looked like she'd been waiting all her life to give me some advice, "I know that you are a temperamental girl, but I hope that you at least sometimes give in to people."

"Why should I give in if it's not my fault that we had a fight?"

"I'm saying that if you feel that a person is remorseful, you can take a step forward. If a person is really important to you, you can sometimes give in." She smiled softly and took a sip of her tea.

"And what if a person has undermined trust? If a person tries to apologize and make things right, but I can't believe it anymore because I think it might happen again?"

It was something that was gnawing at me, just eating me up inside — the fear of being betrayed again. Deep down, I did see remorse in his actions and words, but I was just afraid. But I had to decide either to give it a chance and get over the fear, or to hide in a corner even further and never let anyone near me again.

"I think if you feel that your heart and soul are drawn to a person, then you can give a second chance. But only if you're really ready to let that person into your life again." Her words sounded like a sign. And that day, I decided I'd rather try again, and even if something or someone tried to destroy me again, it would only make me stronger. Like everything else that had happened in my life, accumulating into a ball of strength inside me— like an anchor that keeps me afloat, making me almost unshakable.