365 Days || Iwaoi

Day 11

March 1, 2018                                                                                                                                                       Day 11

Hajime,

Did you know that it's cold? I know, that should be obvious given that it's yet to be spring, but it's so fucking cold without you here.

I still make you coffee in the mornings. I ate soba three nights last week, I can't believe I ate soba without you. I wear your dumb cologne mixed with the perfume you swore you hated, but I loved the way it smelled when I was with you.

Your mom is still mad at me for ruining your funeral. I thought, foolishly, that she of all people would understand. She didn't. Even Mattsun and Makki got mad at me. Shoyo cried when I said it. He knew since Rio that I am hopelessly in love with you.

Even now, I love you with all that I am. I turn on your favourite songs and dance around the kitchen, imagining you with me. I burn the candles that remind you of summer, the ones that smell like watermelon and lemon and tea.

Slow dancing with your ghost is lonely, and it is cold.

Shoyo came over today, and he brought Tobio. They have helped me feel a little alive, something I haven't felt since that day. But of course they had to leave, reminding me yet again that I am alone. I am so unmistakably alone and that fact terrifies me.

I have never been so fucking scared, Iwa-chan. Not when we faced Karasuno or Shiratorizawa, not when I thought I was going to leave you in Japan for Argentina, not since I went to Rio without you and I was alone in an unfamiliar place with a language I just started learning.

I am so, so scared. I'm scared and you're not here to hold my hand through it like you always did.

I miss you.

Tooru