365 Days || Iwaoi

Day 73

I looked down at the box in my hands. I feel nothing as I unwrap the paper, my heart rate staying the same.

I should feel fear, or maybe relief, or even desperation.

I should feel a myriad of things, but I feel nothing.

I open the box.

It's full of notes and letters and scraps of paper.

I reach for the letter on top, the one that is sealed in an envelope, the one with my full name across the top.

My face is dry as I open the envelope. I am unfeeling, unwavering. I have already been broken beyond repair, what's a letter going to do?

Tooru,

Hi. How are you? Okay, now that you've lied, how are you really?

You always said I know you best, that you know me best. I wish that I knew me best, and I'm so glad that you didn't know everything about me. I couldn't let you see every ugly thought that plagued my mind. I couldn't let you in on the torment that flows so freely around in my mind, I couldn't hurt you like that.

You deserve so many things, Tooru, all of them good. When I tried pushing you away in high school, you refused to let me. When I tried to say goodbye when you packed for Argentina, you pulled me to my house and showed me the suitcases you had already packed for me. You showed me an acceptance letter to the best university in Argentina.

You knew me best, you knew exactly what to do to make me stay. You knew all of this, and yet, I still left you.

I'm sorry, Tooru. I tried for you, I held on so long, but I can't take this suffering anymore.

I stayed for you, long enough to see you graduate, long enough to see you learn and lose interest in Argentina, long enough to see Hinata-kun make you fall in love with volleyball all over again. I stayed long enough to see you thrive on the Argentina team, I stayed to see you win the fucking Olympics!

I stayed to move back to Japan with you, I stayed to hear you doubt your abilities, your worth, not only as a volleyball player but as a human.

What you don't understand, Tooru, is that you deserve the universe. You deserve every square centimeter of the universe, you are made of stardust and I hope that you can shine as brightly as the stars, even with me gone. I won't be by your side anymore, but I will still be with you.

I love you, Tooru. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you and I want to rip every star from the night sky and fill your veins with them. I want to take you to the moon, I want to be there with you when you learn that there are new signs of life in other parts of the universe.

I want to be there with you, always.

I want all of this, all of these amazing things, but I know that I don't deserve a single one of them.

I don't deserve you.

I'm so sorry I'm leaving you.

I'm leaving you, but I know you best, right? I know you're strong enough to do this without me.

I love you, Shittykawa. You're a massive fucking nerd, you're annoying and clingy, you are so exceedingly basic, but you're also much more than that.

I love you so fucking much, Oikawa Tooru. I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry.

Your Iwa-chan