365 Days || Iwaoi

Day 37

March 27, 2018                                                                                                                                                   Day 37

Hajime,

I've written 37 of these now. And yet, with each one I write, I find more and more I want to say.

Yesterday I told you that Makki called me the main character of a tragedy, one in which I lost the love of my life, the one I never properly confessed to. He and Mattsun claimed that the love wasn't unrequited, but I can't be sure of that.

In my eyes, I am a side character. I'm the addition, the one who shocks the protagonist into doing what they had planned to do all along. I'm the therapist friend, the one who always tries to make sure everyone else is doing okay, while nobody asks about me.

In truth, the only person who has actually cared enough to know even an inkling of what I'm experiencing is Shoyo. Not because he went through the same thing with a former teammate of his, but because that's just the kind of person he is.

Sure, Sugawara reached out to check on me. So did Akaashi and Sawamura and Yahaba and even Kyotani and Ushijima. Mattsun and Makki try to visit every weekend, and your mom and I phone once a week.

I have all of these people reaching out, but of course Shoyo, the epitome of sunshine himself, is the only one who has been able to get through to me.

I have Shoyo, and I have the pieces of you I brought with me from Miyagi.

I still haven't opened the box. How can I, when the piece of paper taped to the front says "Tooru" and not the usual "Shittykawa" or "Oinkawa?" How am I supposed to open it when the way it addresses me is so intimate?

I'm still scared, Iwa-chan. Does it have a letter in it, one in which you tell me why you left? I want answers, but will I be able to handle them?

If you were here, you would tell me of course I can handle it, you would be here to hold me and kiss my fingertips, something you only did when we were alone. You would make my tea and put on my favourite music, you would make it known that you are here for me.

I'm scared, Iwa-chan.

Why did you leave me?

Tooru