The Quest for Fireworks

Come As You Are

Dinner passes in a blur. I had another drink and I'm feeling good, maybe a little too good. Were standing outside in the same place we started and I can tell the night is over.
"Well, it was fun," I say, the alcohol pushing the words out for me.
"Was it?" Riley says next to me but I'm not sure if anyone else heard.
"Tomorrow will be more fun, right?" Dakota asks, stepping closer to me, raising her arms to hug me once again. This time it feels familiar and I know it's because I'm half drunk.
"Yes, tomorrow," I say, hugging her back but trying not to smell her or touch any of her exposed skin.
I step back and prepare myself to move toward Jordan who Riley is now letting go off.
"You should come," I say to him, taking a step closer. "I'm not sure exactly how much fun it'll be but I'm sure it'll be better if you're there." I don't know why I say it but my drunken mind feels like it's the truth.
Jordan steps closer to me at the same time I take another step and his foot is under mine again.
"You sure?" He asks, taking my mind off the mortification. "I don't want to crash your party."
I encircle my arms around his shoulders as he wraps his around my waist. He feels warm in an inviting way, and smells even better, like clean sheets and cashmere.
I force myself to step away, mainly because I remember I'm crushing his toes again, and force myself to look in his eyes. "It's not crashing if I invite you."
He smiles casually and friendly, not that romance novel smirk that makes everyone swoon but it has the same effect on me. "I guess you're right. I'll be there."
I smile back and hope it doesn't just look like I'm constipated.
"Nice, you can DD," Dakota says to Jordan.
His smile falters slightly but he doesn't say anything.
"Or you could Uber like everyone else," Riley says.
Dakota makes a disgusted face. "Too expensive."
Riley blinks rapidly and I know it's to keep her from rolling her eyes.
"Alright, well I'll see you guys tomorrow," I say.
I wave as everyone says their own form of goodbye but I keep my eyes on Jordan, and he keeps his on mine.

"I stepped on his foot twice, he hates me," I say, back in the car.
Riley laughs from behind the wheel. "I don't think he hates you, he couldn't keep his eyes off you."
My stomach flips at her words but I ignore them. "I think I hugged him weird, can you pull over so I can hug you and see if I do it weird?"
Riley laughs more. "I am not pulling over but I can tell you that you are weird so you probably hug weird."
"That's not helping."
"I'm kidding," she says, drawing out the words. "I mean, you are weird but I wouldn't like you if you weren't."
"Was it a bad idea to invite him tomorrow? I mean, I don't want him to think it was a pity invite."
"I don't think he thinks that," Riley says with a sigh. "Don't overthink it. If he wants to come, he will."
I keep the rest of my thoughts inside my head as we make our way across the state line. Riley drops me off at my apartment, watches me walk through the door and waves at me before driving off. I kick off my shoes and let the dog out before collapsing on the couch. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I take it out to see a text from Dakota.
"If you like Jordan, there's something you should know," it says.
What does that mean? How could she even think I like him, was I that obvious? Why is she being so cryptic?
"What do you mean?" I text back.
She texts back immediately. "He's trans."
Three things come to my mind in an instant. One, I think I already knew that. I remember seeing something about the anniversary of his first testosterone shot on his Instagram. Two, that's pretty fucked up that she just outed him to me. It should be his choice to disclose that or not. And three, why does she think that's something I need to know in order to like him? Like what's hiding under his clothes is going to make  him less attractive to me.
I text back, "Ok?"
"Just thought you should know," she replies. Followed by, "but he's incredible in bed."
Now I'm just confused. Like being transgender limits his sexual abilities. Also, how does she know? I guess that's really what she was trying to drive home. They have some kind of sexual history. Just like her and I do.
I don't text her back, completely uncomfortable by this conversation that I didn't ask for. Now I have to see Jordan again, hopefully, and either tell him that Dakota told me something so personal or pretend that I don't know at all.
The one thing I'm sure of is knowing this information hasn't diminished my attraction to him at all. It's not like knowing that he's transgender completely changes the way I see him. I've never been with a trans person but I of course know about trans people. They're just people that want to be loved like anyone else.
If Jordan turns out to be an asshole or just not compatible with me I know it will have nothing to do with his transness.
Dakota's words make me feel dirty and I force myself to stand up and take a shower. This is one more point taken from her and she's fast approaching zero. I'm beginning to forget whatever attracted me to her in the first place.
Once I get out of the shower, I do my skincare routine, which isn't much, and put myself to bed, Ellie already fast asleep at my feet. I replay the night, the conversations, how I felt. I remember Jordan looking at me, even when I wasn't looking directly at him. I remember his shy voice when he asked if he could steal one of my mozzarella sticks
I desperately want to see him again and I hope he really does come tomorrow. Though, Dakota and Corinne will also be there and a part of me is nervous for drama. I don't want to be embarrassed in front of Jordan and ruin my chances of even getting to know him.
I open instagram like a complete stalker and find Jordan's profile. I scroll through, admiring the few selfies and pictures of him with Dakota. I pause on a picture of him with three other younger boys with the caption "Family is forever".
I want to know if these are his brothers or cousins. I want to know what his childhood was like, who he was and who he is. I'm curious to know his favorite band, his favorite movie, his favorite color. I've never wanted to learn about someone more. But I'm terrified to have him learn about me.