The Quest for Fireworks

Feelings

    When we get to Dakota's place, I wish we hadn't come at all. There's people everywhere, too loud music and it smells like weed. She tried to get me to smoke with her That Night but I remember declining, thankfully.
    I notice a few people sitting around the living room from the beer garden. Other than that, I recognize no one else. Except Dakota herself, of course, leaning against the counter top in the kitchen, beer can in hand.
    "Hey lovebirds," she says, a sort of malicious tone to her voice. "Glad you came."
    Jordan walks over to her and they do some kind of handshake and hug. I don't want to get any closer to her so I stay where I am at the entrance of the kitchen.
    "There's beer in the fridge and the cooler out back. Help yourself," Dakota says in a way that is obviously dismissive.
    Jordan mumbles a form of thank you and turns back to me, grabbing my hand and leading me out of the kitchen. "Outside?" He asks, but I can tell it's more of a request so I nod.
    We walk out the back door onto the small patio with only a few chairs and a fire pit which is blazing despite the already warm temperature of the air. Some of the people that were already out here adjust their chairs to make room for us. They seem too nice to be friends with Dakota.
    "We don't have to stay long," Jordan whispers to me when we sit down next to each other.
   "It's not so bad," I say. "We can just hide out here."
    And so we do, for a little while. We hold hands and drink gross beer and even talk to the people sitting next to us. We sit until we're the only ones left outside.
    Then I'm reminded where we are when Dakota comes out the door. "There you guys are," she says, in better shape than I thought she'd be by now. "I thought you snuck out on me."
    I wait for her to make a joke about the morning after but she doesn't. She comes over, turns a chair so it's facing us and sits down.
    "I actually was wondering if I could talk to Jordan for a second," Dakota says, looking passed him.
    I look to Jordan for some kind of signal for what I'm supposed to do but he just glances at me and nods.
    "I have to go to the bathroom anyway," I say standing up. I try to drop Jordan's hand but he pulls it toward him and kisses the back of it before letting me go.
    I smile at him, ignore Dakota and make my way inside and to the right where I know the bathroom is. There's less people here now and surprisingly the bathroom door stands open. I step inside and have instant flashbacks of the last time I was in this bathroom.
    I looked and felt like shit. I was covered in regret and disgust. I also remember thinking this is what's left for me. This is what I wanted because anything more than this would be too much. Love didn't exist, relationships never last so hooking up is the best option.
    It's crazy to think that was only a few weeks ago. In just days, I've completely changed my view. Knowing how I feel with Jordan and how I felt in this bathroom, I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything.
    It's too soon to call it what it is, to let myself fully give in to what I've been pushing away. I need to know that Jordan is on the same page, that he feels what I feel. I can't risk hurting myself again and losing something I didn't even know I wanted.
    I leave the bathroom and almost collide with someone standing directly outside the door. I look up and it's Dakota.
    "Can we talk?" She asks.
    "Where's Jordan?" I ask, because for some reason my brain tells me that Dakota has convinced Jordan not to like me and he's left me here.
    "He's still out back," she says, confused. Being here makes me really on edge.
    I nod and let her lead me to the kitchen where it's devoid of other people. She leans on the counter by the sink and I lean by the stove across the room.
    "I just wanted to apologize if I've made you feel uncomfortable or upset in any way," she starts.
    I feel my mouth open and I imagine my chin actually hitting the floor like in an old cartoon. I was not expecting this at all.
    "It's just that, how I feel about Jordan is complicated. I've had feelings for him since I've known him but I know he's too good for me. I'm not the relationship type and I knew I'd end up hurting him and losing him. I figured having him as my best friend is better than not having him at all."
    Though what she's saying doesn't surprise me, I am shocked that she's admitting this to me. It's pretty ballsy for someone to tell you they have feelings for your boyfriend. Even though I guess he's not technically my boyfriend.
    "I guess I'm just jealous," she continues with a shrug. "I wish I had what you had. I wish I could be in a relationship with one person, committed and happy but I don't think I can."
    "We're not in a relationship, technically," I say, for some reason.
    Dakota looks at me skeptically. "Well, you might want to rethink that. I'm pretty sure he's in love with you."
    Hearing that word out loud, though it's been bouncing around in my head for days, makes my body tense and hot. I reflexively look toward the back door, making sure Jordan didn't hear it.
    I swallow, my mouth dry. "Did he tell you that?"
    Dakota shakes her head. "He didn't have to. Anyone who looks at you both can see you're head over heels for each other." She tries to make it sound like a joke but there's still traces of hurt in her voice.
    For the first time probably ever, I feel bad for Dakota. Everyone deserves love, no matter what. Just because she has a hard time with monogamy doesn't mean she's destined to live the rest of her life alone with only random hookups to keep her warm.
    "You know," I say, steering away from the love topic and back to her, "you could be polyamorus. Love more than one person at the same time. You just have to find like minded, consenting people that want the same things you do. You don't have to be alone."
    Dakota shrugs again and takes a sip from her can. "I'll figure it out."
    This feels like an ending. Not just the conversation but a chapter. I started my journey into the single life with Dakota and it feels right that this is where I'm ending it. I learned a lot about myself, thanks in part to her. I feel the life lesson starting to become clearer.
    "Thank you," I say and Dakota raises an eyebrow.
    "For what?"
    "For everything."
    She clicks her tongue and flips her hair over her shoulder dramatically. "Don't mention it."
    Dakota leans up from the counter at the same time I do. I think about hugging her but that seems like a step too far. Instead, I just smile and make my way back outside.
    When I open the door, Jordan stands and walks toward me. "Everything ok?"
    I nod. "You ready to get out of here?" I ask, keeping my voice as level as possible.
    Jordan smiles and gestures for me to lead the way. We say goodbye to Dakota and the few people that are left lounging in the living room. An attractive girl sits half slumped next to Dakota on the couch and I know she'll be the next victim in Dakota's bed.
    In the car, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. Like I just made it through the boss level and the next few are guaranteed to be easier. Having that conversation with Dakota, knowing where we both stand was exactly what I needed.
    "Hey," Jordan says, getting my attention as we drive over a bridge. "I like you more than Reese's Puffs."
    "I like you more than Fruit Loops." I smile at our everyday declaration. It's cheesy and dumb and I never thought I'd be this person but I am.
    The next quest in this journey: figure out just how much is more than cereal.