The Quest for Fireworks

No New Friends

On the drive home, we play a yes or no game with every song on my playlist. He says yes if he likes it or no if he doesn't. Pretty straight forward.
When I park in front of my building, neither one of us moves to get out. I just hit the button to play the next song and after the first few beats play Jordan says, "oh, big yes."
I start laughing because I think he's kidding. It's an old Whitney Houston song that I put on every playlist because it makes me dance, no matter what mood I'm in.
"I'm serious," he says but he laughs with me. "I have it on my 80's and 90's playlist."
"The superior music era," I say.
"Right above early 2000's."
"Exactly," I say, kind of shocked. Music is important to me and it seems like his music choices are very similar to mine.
I hit next but it just starts the playlist over. "Well, we went through 63 songs and you said yes to most so I guess that's a good sign."
"I guess it is," he agrees.
I reluctantly turn the car off and open my door. Jordan does the same and we meet up at the front of the car, me, fumbling with my keys and him standing with his hands in his pockets. I don't want him to leave but I think it's too presumptuous to invite him in. Not that I think anything would happen, I just think it's too soon.
"Well, thanks for coming with me," I say, stepping closer to him, gauging whether he wants to be hugged or not.
He steps closer to me too and lifts one arm, leaving his other in his pocket. I insert myself in the space and wrap my arms around his back. The same feeling that I felt touching his arm blooms in my chest. I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. Right here is the most comfortable I've felt in a long time.
Too much time passes and I force myself to let go, step back and open my eyes. Jordan isn't smiling but he looks peaceful, like somehow he felt the same thing I did.
"Anytime," he says and it takes me a minute to remember what I had said.
"Good," I say, walking backwards towards my front door, "because I need to go to the grocery store soon," I say.
He laughs once. "I'll be there."
I laugh and wave. "Bye, Jordan."
"Bye, Avery," he says, my name sounding like a word I've never heard before.
I get to my door and unlock it. I look back and see Jordan looking back at me, standing next to his car. I wave slightly again and he waves back before getting in his car.
I walk inside, close the door behind me and realize I didn't get my bags out of the trunk. I look out the window and watch Jordan pull away before I run back out to the car and grab them.
Once inside for the second time, I pull out my phone and immediately FaceTime Riley. I recount the entire day all the way up to the first good hug we've had where I didn't step on his toes.
"Oh shit, you like him," she says, half joking.
"What do you mean?"
"I can tell," she says, waving her hand in front of the screen. "I can see it all over you."
I huff, caught. "He's cute and sweet and he doesn't like country music," I almost whine.
"Those are some low standards, Ave."
"Not really, these days."
Riley tilts her head and purses her lips as if to agree. She straightens up and takes a deep breath. "How deep have you investigated his Instagram?"
I wrinkle my forehead. "Pretty deep, why?"
"So you picked up on the fact that he's transgender," she says.
What is with everyone caring about this? "Yes, I know. He told me today and Dakota outed him to me last Friday. It doesn't change anything."
Riley shrugs. "I figured you'd say that, I just wanted to make sure you knew. I didn't out him, did I?" She asks, suddenly concerned.
"Technically, yes but you had better intentions than Dakota. I don't know what's up with her."
"Have you talked to her?"
"Nope," I say, unbothered.
"So it's full steam ahead, one track mind, all eggs in one basket?" She asks quickly, her words squished together.
I laugh, roll my eyes and shake my head. "I don't know what it is, calm down. I don't even know if he likes me."
Riley looks at me like I'm stupid. "He went to Target with you and actually had fun, of course he likes you."
I can't help the cheesy smile that spreads across my face and I feel my cheeks get hot. I'm in deep shit.

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I fall asleep thinking about Jordan and I wake up thinking about Jordan. I feel like a teenager, obsessing over some guy that barely knows I exist. Riley seems sure that Jordan likes me but for me, I need it spelled out, written in neon letters for me to believe it.
I decide to drive into the city and actually work at the office today. It's been a while since I've been here and my desk plants are starting to wilt. Really, I wanted to get Ben's opinion on Jordan because I remember seeing him flirting with him at my birthday party.
"Oh, he's a cutie," Ben says when I bring up Jordan. "Probably not gay though."
"Why, because he didn't immediately make out with you when you hit on him?"
"Pretty much," he says, seriously. "And the fact that he couldn't keep his eyes off you the whole night."
"Why did everyone notice that but me?" I ask, too loudly.
"Because you were too busy making out with tall, dark and handsome in the ball pit," Ben says, raising his eyebrows.
"That lasted like three minutes, where was I the rest of the time?"
"Puking," he says with a shrug.
We laugh as my phone vibrates on my desk. I pick it up and read the text. "Want to get dinner?" From Megan.
I text her back and tell her yes, I'll meet her at our favorite cafe in town at 6.
When I show up, she's already there at the table by the window we used to always sit at. Her face seems off like she's happy but trying to hide it.
"Just like old times," I say when I'm close enough to her. She stands up and we hug quickly before sitting down.
"Like no time has passed," she says.
"I'm glad you texted," I say. "I've been wanting to apologize in person for what I said. I can't believe-,"
"It's ok," she says, cutting me off. "You were drunk and I did go home with the person you were just making out with. It was warranted."
I wave my hand, dismissing her comment. "No, it wasn't. I had no claim on her and I was in no position to judge anyone, especially you. I've known about your crush on Corinne since the tenth grade."
"Yeah," she says, pulling her lips in to hide her obvious smile.
I lean closer to her, trying to read her mind. "What is it?"
"Don't be mad," Megan spits out.
I raise my eyebrows. "Mad about what?"
"I think we're going to go for it," she says and it takes my brain a few minutes to understand.
"You and Corinne?" I say and I hear the shock in my voice. It's not because it's Megan, she's incredible and anyone would be lucky to have her but because it's Corinne.
"I know," she starts. "She's totally not the relationship type but we've been hanging out a lot, like everyday and I straight up asked 'what the hell are we doing?' and she said 'I don't know' so I made her figure it out and I think we're together now."
"Megan," I say, the way you'd say a dog's name.
"I know, it's a bad idea, I don't know why I thought we could work, I should end it, right?" She rambles.
"No," I say reaching across the table and grabbing both of her hands. "It's not a bad idea. If this is what you want, you go for it. Just be careful, I don't want you to get hurt."
"You're not mad?" She asks, sounding close to tears.
I shake my head. "Not at all."
I wouldn't use the word mad but I do feel slightly hurt. Or maybe just ashamed of myself. I can't help but think there's something wrong with me that kept Corinne from choosing me. Though, I know some people just don't work and we weren't meant to be but it still knocks my self esteem down a few notches.
Then I think of Jordan, because I always think of him, and how easy it feels with him. How different it feels than being around anyone else.
"Anyway, I've moved on," I say, letting go of Megan's hand to flip my hair over my shoulder dramatically.
Megan gasps. "Who?"
"Jordan."
"Aww, he's cute, Ave," she says. "I can totally see you guys together."
"Slow down, I don't know exactly what it is yet. We've only hung out alone once but it was nice," I say, unable to stop smiling.
"I just want you to be happy," she says, and I can see tears threatening to spill out. "You deserve happiness, Avery."
When I neglected all of my friends, I thought they'd all hate me forever and never forgive me. To know they've all been rooting for me and still want the best for me despite everything still shocks me.
"Alright, alright," I say, letting go of her hands and wiping my eyes even though no tears actually came out. "Enough emotional shit, let's eat."