The Quest for Fireworks

Delicate

I fell asleep replaying the night, mainly just the kiss. It was the most incredible kiss I've ever had but now it's overshadowed by my own ridiculous thoughts. I ruined something great seconds after it happened.
I wake up around 3am and text Jordan two words: I'm sorry.
When I wake up in the morning, too early, to no new texts, I immediately text Riley and tell her how badly I screwed up. Unsurprisingly, she shows up with coffee and donuts a half hour later.
"So you're scared," she says after I finish telling her all the details of last night. "You've been hurt before and you don't want it to happen again. I think that's a pretty natural response."
"I'm fucking terrified," I say. "Being with him makes me irrationally happy. He doesn't even have to do anything, just being near him is enough. I've never felt that before."
"You deserve that feeling, Avery. Just focus on that feeling, that's what's most important."
"Yeah, until it's gone and I have to rebuild myself all over again," I say.
"Well, don't lose yourself. Take everything you've learned from your past and apply it now. You know exactly what you want and you don't need to settle for anything less. The second things change, you decide that it's over and we move on." Riley talks fluidly like it all makes perfect sense. And sure it sounds good but it can't be that easy.
So I say, "it can't be that easy."
"Nothing ever is," she shrugs. "Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't but right now he makes you smile and laugh. Enjoy it. Don't stress out about the small stuff like if he's going to kiss you or anything Dakota says. Just get on the ride and see where it takes you."
She's right, of course. I'm making this whole thing a bigger deal than it needs to be. It doesn't have to change anything, it's not the end of the world. If we date, make it official, it doesn't mean it's going to be any different than it is right now. If I'm happy right now, why wouldn't I want that to continue?
As if on cue, my phone alerts me to a new text. It's from Jordan and it says "for what?"
I show Riley. "Talk to him," she says. "He seems like the kind of guy that will be understanding."
"Too understanding," I mumble.
"Stop doing that," Riley says, smacking my leg lightly. "Don't tear yourself down. You haven't killed anyone, forgiveness is still on the table."
"That you know of," I joke as I text Jordan back.
"I want to explain," I type, "but I don't know how."
"Can I see you?" He replies immediately.
Seeing him makes me nervous but I know it'll be easiest to talk in person. I tell Riley I'm inviting him over the same time I text him and tell him to come over.
Riley hugs me and tells me to relax and let myself be happy. I try to consume her words and do what she says. Relaxing is the hardest part.
Twenty minutes later Jordan knocks on my door. I realize it's the first time he'll come inside my apartment. I glance around quickly, making sure it doesn't look like a complete mess and then I open the door.
He's standing there, bright blue eyes filled with worry but a small smile still noticeable on his lips. He adjusts his hat, nervously.
"Hi," I say.
"Hi," he says back.
I step out of the way so he can walk in. I close the door and walk over to the couch and Jordan follows. We sit down on almost opposite ends and I know he's just trying to be respectful because he doesn't know what I want.
"I'm really sorry for acting weird last night," I start, looking at my hands. "It was just a lot and it all hit me at once."
"It was too much," he says plainly. "I knew I should've waited."
"No, no, it wasn't you," I say, trying to comfort him. Making him feel bad is the last thing I want to do. "I really like you and I've wanted to kiss you for days."
Jordan's face relaxes a little but his shoulders are still tense.
"I just think it was the whole Dakota thing," I continue. "An ex cheated on me with someone they told me was just a friend and I believed them. So it just brought back that feeling. I know it's not fair to you because you haven't done anything for me not to trust you, I just got in my own head and I'm sorry for that."
He relaxes further, almost looking sympathetic, and inches closer to me. "You don't have to apologize for how you feel. It makes sense that this situation would bring up the past for you. I'll tell you as many times as you need that I don't see Dakota that way. We're just friends."
Somehow I knew he would say something like this, that he would completely understand how and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling and wouldn't fault me for it.
The comfortable feeling I always feel with him propels me forward. "And since then I've worked so hard at being independent and showing myself that I don't need anyone so when you mentioned dating I was afraid that I would lose that."
"We don't have to call this anything," he says, sincerely. "Dating and being in a relationship mean different things to me but I just like hanging out with you. We can just call it that."
"What's the difference between dating and a relationship?" I ask, genuinely wanting to know.
"To me, dating is just that. Going on dates. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, it's just two people going places and learning about each other."
"So, basically what we've been doing," I say, smiling a little.
Jordan shrugs one shoulder. "Unofficially, yes."
"I'm ok with that," I say after thinking about it. Dating is like what the kids call "talking" but we're adults and we can actually go out places.
"Are you sure?" He asks. "I just want you to be comfortable." He moves his hand like he wants to reach for mine but stops himself.
I move closer to him and give him my hand. "I'm sure. I just need to stop freaking out for no reason."
"It's not for no reason," he says, wrapping his fingers around my hand. "I'm scared to get close to people too but you've been so chill about everything that I'm able to relax and really be myself. I just want you to feel the same way."
"I do," I say and I mean it. "Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me but I'm trying."
Jordan leans forward and kisses my cheek. "I'll help you however I can."
The spot where his lips touched my skin tingles. "I appreciate you," I say, tenderly. The word appreciate feels heavy, like it's meant to mean something else and I wonder if he heard it too.
I reach around his shoulder and pull him into a hug. I missed the heat of his body and being this close but not close enough was driving me crazy. In his arms, I forget everything I was worried about and just let myself be here.
"So," Jordan says when we seperate, "let me take you on an official date tonight."
My stomach flips and my heart skips a beat. "I'd like that."
"Give me a few hours to make a plan and then I'll be back to pick you up," he says before leaning in to kiss my cheek again.
I make a split second decision to turn my head so his lips touch mine instead. The same explosive feeling detonates inside me and takes all of the air from my lungs. I wonder if it will always be like this.
Jordan pulls away after a few minutes and I feel the absence immensely. It's like when we kiss, everything is neon and when our lips part, it's back to black and white.
"I'll see you later," he says, standing up.
"I can't wait," I say, forcing my wobbly legs to push me up.
I open the door for him and watch him walk away. My heart pulls when he gets in the car and drives out of sight.
I think I know what it was, the heaviness in that word. To appreciate is another way to love.