Teaching jj

Chapter 19

"The first night we were together," JJ whispered, her knuckles tightening against the steering wheel. "When you invited me over to your apartment, and I asked you, Ms. Cook, what does it feel like with a woman? and we started kissing. It was like those kisses ignited some flame deep within me, like you'd started a forest fire that I knew I'd never be able to contain from that moment afterward. I was so scared - I had no idea what to do - but you did everything, at first. It was only when I heard you touching yourself next to me that I began to wish it was my finger instead of yours. So I leaned over and I ... and I was so nervous about not doing it right ..."

"But you did it perfectly," Emily reassured her, leaning over to gently kiss her cheek.

"And I woke up early the next morning, torn between putting all of my clothes back on, running away, and pretending like nothing had happened, and between wanting to taste you like you'd tasted me the night before."

Emily could hear the change in her voice instantly; it was no longer the business-like affect of Alexandra Brewster but the uncertain and still somewhat-ashamed JJ speaking.

"I tasted you, thinking I wouldn't like it. But I liked it ... I liked it so much that I ... that I ..."

"That you kept going until I woke up and had an orgasm," Emily broke in.

"Yeah," JJ added wistfully, lost in the memory. "And that's when I knew that nothing would be the same between us ever again."

Emily frowned, uneasiness running through her veins at a rapid pace. Why did she say that nothing would be the same between us ever again? Why didn't she say that nothing would be the same for her ever again? she wondered, furrowing her brow anxiously. If not for this assignment ... would that night in the hotel room truly have been the first and last night we spent together? If not for this assignment, would she have actually forced herself to forget those feelings, to extinguish that "fire" she spoke about earlier, and return to her unhappy life as a wife and mother as though it had never happened at all? Is that what she's determined to do once this case is closed and we return to Quantico as Emily Prentiss and Jennifer Jareau?

JJ's voice broke into her thoughts. "That's when I knew I had to be with you, no matter what."

Those words should have come as a relief to Emily, but they didn't. Because JJ's tone had changed: she'd once again transformed herself into Alexandra. Different voice, different posture ... different person?

You can't fake who you are while you're having an orgasm, Emily thought, trying to suppress the panic rising in her chest, and I never enjoyed sleeping with Ian Doyle, not once. I certainly never had an orgasm with him. But if that's the only part that JJ's not faking, then how do I make her fall in love with me? How do I make her fall in love with the real me and not with this persona I've created? All of the orgasms in the world won't accomplish that. She knew that this was her last chance. Her last chance to break cover and tell JJ how she truly felt.

Emily took a deep breath and hesitantly murmured, "JJ?"

At hearing her real name, JJ abruptly sat up straight, her blonde hair whipping across her face as she turned to stare at Emily, hissing, "What are you doing? We left 'Emily' and 'JJ' by the side of the road three states ago, remember?"

"I swear to you, this is the last and only time I'm going to do this," Emily replied quickly, biting her cuticles. "But I need you to know something. I need you to know something really important before it's too late to tell you."

JJ's posture softened. "OK, Emily. I'm listening. What is it?"

"I need you to know that ... that everything I've said to you as 'Vivian Cook' has been the truth. My truth. JJ, I really am in love with you and I'd give anything in the world for this undercover assignment to be real." She exhaled raggedly. "OK. That's it. That's all I wanted you to know."

"I ... I don't know what to say," JJ stammered, visibly uncomfortable. "I'm not sure how to respond to that."

Emily turned her head toward the window so JJ couldn't see the tears shining in her eyes. "Then don't say anything," she managed to choke out.

"Oh, Emily. Oh, god ... I'm so sorry, but ..."

"No," Emily stated firmly, wiping the teardrops from her cheeks. "Don't be sorry. I'm the one who's sorry. I never should have thought that this was anything more than just another assignment to you. I never should have hoped it might be."

"Emily, I -"