'Tis the Season

Chapter 8: Secret Santa

Chapter Eight: Secret Santa

I had made a decent amount of friends in college but in my hometown I wasn't exactly popular. I especially didn't have the type of person who I could run to and stay with for a while. Out of options and desperate to find somewhere that I would be able to cool off and work out a plan, I found myself outside of Gigi's.

It's about as empty as the first time I was here, which makes sense since it's about the same time of the day, so I quickly order myself another gingerbread latte and seat myself at the table Carson and I shared only a few days ago.

My phone died on the drive, so I let myself get lost in my thoughts for a while.

It's crazy how much your life can change in a second. Tomorrow is Tuesday, the day Carson and I met at the tree farm. A week ago today, I had no idea I was about to meet someone who would change everything I thought I knew about dating.

I've always been a very cautious dater. It's not that I have high standards, it's just that I don't see the point in leading someone on when I don't feel like they're going to be in my life for the long run and I've had so much trouble seeing a future with any of my previous boyfriends that I started to believe I might just be single forever.

Now there's Carson. He changed the game the second he gave me back my scarf. Before Carson, I would never agree to go out on a date with someone who I hadn't known for at least a month. I would struggle to find a connection with people before then and without that connection I would feel uncomfortable the whole evening.

Carson and I immediately had a connection. A strong one. I felt comfortable opening up to him within a matter of minutes, I've barely spent any time apart from him since meeting him, and sitting here now I feel a little anxious over just how attached I'm starting to become. It's definitely too fast for me to feel as strongly about him as I do, but I also can't change how I feel.

My feelings for him are big enough that I can't be bothered to try and deny them to myself. I really, really like Carson. He's made me feel things that no one has made me feel before. It's not logical for me to feel safer passed out in a hotel room with a guy I've known five days than I did in a public restaurant with my last boyfriend of four months, but Carson has this strange energy about him that just instantly relaxes me.

I've become addicted to his presence these past few days. I've gotten accustomed to his cute smiles, his deep laughter, his warm chuckles. The way he holds my hand, the way his dark brown eyes always seem to be staring right through me to my soul. From the first time we hugged in here, I've been obsessed with his embrace.

Normally when I come home for winter break I keep to myself, only really venturing out of my old bedroom when Madeline drags me off to take her someplace. I've grown to dread holidays and everything that comes with them over the years, but in the past six days of knowing Carson I've been more festive and felt more at ease doing holiday related activities than I ever have in the past twenty-one years of my life.

I toss my coffee cup out and leave Gigi's after about an hour of pondering my life and feeling sorry for myself. Getting back into my car, I drive for a bit with some Christmas music playing. I have no destination and trying to come up with a plan is stressing me out.

I really only have two options at this point. I can find and book a hotel to stay at for the remainder of my break or I can drive back down to campus early. Neither options are ideal.

Booking a hotel for Christmas makes me feel depressed, and I really don't even know if I can afford one for the next month of break. But going back to campus means I won't see Madeline anymore... and it means the chances of Carson and I turning into something real are slim.