The Fire in Our Souls

Alone

"It's so hard to leave-until you leave. And then it's the easiest goddamn thing in the world." -John Green

There is no direct path, no line that leads me onward, just my footsteps left behind. The air is cool but not cold. My boots hit the ground as I walk, not entirely sure my direction or the ultimate destination. I walk, one foot at a time, step by step. Onward. 

The ground is wet. I watch as the raindrops fall, slowly in some parts but faster as I keep walking. Faster as I feel my legs moving, running. Faster and faster until I feel my legs almost give out. I stop, a splash of a puddle making my jeans wet and a sloshing feeling in my shoes. "Bus Station" is the only lights around, it illuminates the dark road. It's quiet, nothing but the pouring rain hitting my jacket and dripping down my face. 

"Where ya going hun?" The woman at the desk asks. Her eye makeup bright pink but not nearly as bright as her red lipstick, which seems to have come off on her front tooth. The smacking of her lips from the gum in her mouth makes me slightly nauseated. After a momentary pause, she finally looks up at me from her phone. Her eyes shoot between my soaking wet clothes and barely covered bruise from the rain that washed my makeup off. "One ticket please, going anywhere but here." She nods, sitting up and typing on her computer, which is probably older than she is. "Farthest the buses go is Colorado. One-way is $125, roundtrip is $250." I look around at the lights of the bus station. Should I travel East? See the mountains on the way? Or head south where it's warm? "Anywhere I can go for $75? One way please." She smacks her gum making a popping noise in her mouth, rolling it around with her tongue. 

"That'll take you to Seattle. Best I can do." I slide the money under the glass case and she swipes it before I could even let it go. She types on her computer and a ticket prints out from an old, dusty printer beside her. "Bus leaves in an hour, you can wait on the bench over there." She doesn't even point, just a head nod to her left. There, sits an old, green bench made of metal. Under the rooftop, the water drips quickly and falls into puddles on the ground. The puddles run like a small river into the grate and down under the road. Imagine how much runoff we could use to water plants? It seems like a waste to drop down into the sewer and mix with our bodily waste. 

As time ticks by, I find myself counting the drops of water, watching them fall and run off into the grate. It feels like a lifetime has passed, a lifetime I didn't ask for. If I talked back, I got hit. If I came home on time, I got hit. If I didn't speak at all, I got hit. He was a drunk, a coward. She was subordinate and weak. I don't want to be like them. I will NOT be like them. 

In the midst of my trance, the bus pulls up. The squeaking in its brakes forces it to a slow halt. The doors slide open slowly and the driver nods but does not look directly at me. "Ticket please," he asks as I hand it to him. He still doesn't look up at me and slides it into a box by his feet. I find a seat along the left side. The old, blue carpet-like seats are paired up in twos. No other person on the bus except for me. I bet if I didn't buy a ticket, he wouldn't of even had to stop here. I slip into the seat closest to the window. Only minutes go by before the bus steams bellow from the sides and the drive eases into motion. I watch as the "Bus Station" sign fades from view. The trees pass by as we speed up onto the interstate. I grab my duffle, zipping open the side pocket and pulling out my old cassette player. I bought it at a thrift shop for pretty cheap. Since everyone is so into downloading on their phones, this is my favorite way to listen. Recorded onto tapes instead of drown out in an electronic music library. I was never one for fancy, overpriced things. The cassette player and few tapes only cost me a couple of bucks since no one ever buys them. I let the song play, the deep voice and far off strums of a guitar, a slow build into the climax of the song. I let them drift me to sleep. For the first time in forever I can sleep without fear. I am free.