A Co-Captain's Doubts

A Murder of Crows

Darkness, that was the only thing Sugawara could see through the window in the infirmary, but coincidentally, it was also all that his mind's eye could see as nothingness began to slowly melt over his consciousness. He'd given into the sandstorm, but the pain had not decrease like his resistance. If anything, it grew. Alongside the ache in his heart, his head swam with a pounding that threatened to split his skull in two.

What was he supposed to do now? The injured setter stared apathetically out the dark window as his brain struggled to think straight. Leaving the team would be difficult for many reasons, first of all, Daichi. The other boy had clung to him like a life raft after Asahi had slipped through their fingers, his solid confidence shaken as the two of them were left staring at the Ace's back as he walked away. Even if Daichi really didn't need Sugawara anymore, he was simply used to his constant reliable presence. It made sense, Sugawara and Tanaka had been the only two players who hadn't left him at some point, Daichi wasn't so oblivious as to not take note of that. So even if the brunette didn't need him, he wouldn't let Suga leave easily.

That alone was enough reason to reject the idea of leaving, not to mention how much it would crush his heart to turn his back on the team. To watch his teammates from the bench was excruciating, but to watch them from his couch at home as they made it to nationals? That would be utterly unbearable.

So then where did this leave him? His other option was to stay on the team and attempt to disregard his blatant uselessness while simultaneously being reminded of it every time Kageyama stepped onto the court instead of him. He would have to keep smiling like he always did, continue to tell coach he wanted what was best for the team in favor of being selfish and grow used to the feeling of pity filled eyes watching him stand on the sideline as the only third-year who wasn't a starter. He had to keep being... kind.

Gritting his teeth as he clenched his jaw, Sugawara squeezed his eyes shut and fought the urge to scream with frustration. How had he earned this title of 'kind', when all he really wanted was to be greedy? If only everyone knew how much he wanted to complain without hiding behind a joke to keep others from feeling the discomfort of his sadness, his disappointment. Life wasn't fair, but damn did he want to point out how unfair it was that he'd spent the past two and a half years busting his ass to help Daichi achieve his dream, which had also become his own, only to have the results of that hard work taken from him. They had been a joke to their school and every other team, but now that they were finally taken seriously, no one even knew his name. It really wasn't fair, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it.

Suddenly there was a light brush of fingers at his temple, and Sugawara blinked his eyes open to find Kiyoko had her arm outstretched and was staring at him with quiet thoughtfulness. Using her index finger, she nudged his temple again and caught a tear that spilled from the corner of his eye.

"You're crying..." She said softly, a frown accompanying the small dip in her brows as she tried to understand what was bothering him.

"Are you in pain, Suga-kun?

Shocked that his body had reacted without his knowing, Suga's own thick brows pulled together and he swallowed thickly. Not trusting himself to speak, he nodded his head as his lip trembled. He wasn't lying, his everything hurt, but he meant it in a different way than she was asking.

Gently brushing hair from Sugawara's forehead with her light touch, Kiyoko sighed with concern lacing her features and returned her hands to her lap.

"I'm sorry I can't offer much, I could ask the nurse for more ice if you'd like?"

Letting his stare drift to the ceiling tiles between light panels, Sugawara struggled with his overwhelming despondency as tears continued to well up and spill from his watery hazel eyes, dampening the hair at his temples. With his left eye swollen and aching, it quickly grew too blurry to see anything and further soured his mood.