Hated by life itself (SaiOuma) [discontinued]

Prologue

~~~~Ouma Kokichi~~~~

Another long day had started. I didn't want to move from my bed ; She could hit me, hurt me, let me starve again for a week, but I didn't care. It's not like school was interesting anyway. 

I stared in the void for a long minute. As I thought about skipping school again, a voice rang through my head.

"Ouma-kun, it's awful that you keep skipping school 'cause of sickness all the time... We don't even spend time together anymore... Isn't it what friends are supposed to do?" 

That was what he told me a week ago, but I remembered it. Shuichi was the only one who understood me for who I really was, and, even though he had Kaede and Kaito - The most stupid friends to have, I must say - he still wanted me around. But I didn't really like to stay around, as the simple view of one of the two latter pissed me off. I just wished I could spend time with him only, like the good old times. I wanted to see him, so I'd go to school. 

I stood up, packed my bag, dressed up in normal clothes and rushed out of my room. I took my scarf from the coat rack and opened the door. 

"I'll be back around six in the afternoon !" I screamed. Not waiting for an answer, I went through the door and closed it behind me. 

~~~~~~

The day was sure long and boring. Though I spent time with Shuichi, the two idiots - that's how I call Kaede and Kaito - monopolized his attention. I didn't like that. I might sound selfish : maybe I am in the end, but was I not justified ? When I was around the two idiots, I'd keep lying, because I didn't trust them, but when I was only with Shuichi, I didn't feel that necessity. Around him, I felt... secure. Like all my burdens disappeared, and it was only him and me. But there was some other feeling behind this security. I knew what it was - I'm not as stupid as the two idiots - , but even so, I still felt weird about it to this day. I was in love, and I admitted it. So obviously I felt that way towards the two idiots ! That's called jealousy... I think. 

I walked with Shuichi and the two idiots. We were going to a cafe together to celebrate the incoming holidays . The reason we went today, a Thursday, was because Kaede would be absent tommorow. I was already annoyed by the conversation, but whatever.

"What's your dream, Kokichi?" Shuichi asked, probably aware I didn't really care about what they said. I thought for a few seconds before answering, trying to fit in the group. 

"Oh, right. I want to go to Hope's Peak Academy next year ! As an Ultimate, of course !" I smiled. "I don't know what my Ultimate is, but I'm sure I have one!" half of a lie. I wanted to go to Hope's Peak, but it was not my dream. Like if entering a school could be a dream. 

"You 'don't know '? How can you not know?" Kaede asked.

Oh, that. 

"My parents never let me take the Ultimate test ! I'll take it at the end of the year though! At least my parents won't refuse." Another lie.

I didn't want to talk to them anymore. Why did they need to talk to me?  They continued talking between them, not solicitating me anymore. Not like I cared anyway. I was already kind of tired and bored. 

We quickly arrived to the cafe, and we sat at a table in an empty corner. We ordered our drinks, and I stayed still, not really listening to them.

"How about we organize a biiiiig party on Saturday ?  To celebrate the winter break!" Kaede asked.

Everyone agreed, except me. A party ? No way. Not with idiots. 

"Kokichi ? Why not ? Pleaaase !"

I declined the offer again. I tried to think of a lie, but I didn't get enough time before I was asked again.

"Please Ouma-kun... We don't hang out anymore..."

My heart shattered at Shuichi's voice. I took time to think again. 

"Nah, my parents won't agree I think"   I tried. Shuichi's smile faded. It was almost a lie : my mother would never accept the thought of me going to a party.

"Kokichi ! You could come ! Please !" Kaede tried again.

"Why would I go to a party if it's to be with idiots? I said NO THANKS." I cracked. 

Everyone looked at me shocked. I was kinda tired of keeping my words for me, so I shared my  thoughts out loud about their stupid party. 

"I don't want to go to a party full of idiots ! I told you! The only one who I'd come for would be Shuichi, and I will not go anyway! You all are idiots anyway, you know that?" I laughed mecanically. "You thought I was your friend ? How foolish !"

Shuichi looked disappointed. He was about to start crying, I think. I stayed silencious, waiting for an answer. 

"To...Think you...would say that..." Shuichi sobbed. "How dare you...? You're the idiot here..."

Hearing him cry, I understood I went too far. I opened my mouth to apologize - I didn't really mean to, but everything for the one I love - but he cutted through my words quickly.

"You're a liar Kokichi Ouma! You lied about your friendships, your grades, everything!" He listed my lies angrily, almost making me cry. "I don't want you around anymore ! Just leave us right now!" His sobs broke my heart. I really really went too far. 

"I apolo-" I was silenced by a slap. Kaito. "What the fuck man !" I screamed. "What's wrong with you ?" 

"You heard Shuichi. Go away."

I stood up, dropping my drink. I started walking away slowly, hoping, deep inside, that one of them would stop me. But I just heard Shuichi's sobs, Kaede trying to consolate him, and Kaito's angry mumbles.

"I hate you Kokichi Ouma!" I heard Shuichi scream from behind. I bursted in silent tears, whispering to myself. 

"And I love you, Shuichi Saihara"

~~~~~

I stared at the completely white ceiling over me. My tears were already dry, but my feelings stayed the same. I hated myself for snapping at them though it was what I always thought, and I stayed polite. I hated Shuichi for loving everyone so much. I hated Kaito for slapping me, Kaede for being intrusive and the two of them for replacing me. I hated life for being so rough to me.

White was never my favorite color. It was too pure and gentle. Life was not like that. But for some reason, staring at the white ceiling calmed me a bit. I felt my tears coming back to me, and I didn't stop them, crying silently again. No one would hear my sobs anyway. 

'You're nothing' the voice in my head repeated. 'Shuichi hates you, your mother hates you, life itself hates you. You won't be anything to anyone. Ever.'

That's when it hit me. 

Life itself just hated me.