I have been locked in a cage of rage once more. Anxiety, sadness and confusion take turns torturing my worhtless soul. Piercing poison tipped spears, the venom aimed directly at my ears. Whispers of what I could have achieved infect my mind then rapidly reshape into regrets I thought I had left behind. In a matter of hours my whole body is a no man's land, a turf war broadcasted only within my head. My commanders and generals have been trained well. Not only by me, but by therapists and friends. Darkness is quick to mutate though easily finding holes in my defense. I guess I thought I was protected but it was all just a pretence.
After finally locating the roots of this dark tree, I am astonished by what I see. The cause of today's attack was an event so close to me suicide felt like a better solution than removing it. What would you do, if exactly what gave you life makes you yearn for death?
I crave a better relationship with you. The hunger for understanding and love completely drained me of all energy long ago. We have lived such different lives, I know. You in fields of grass which reflected the sun while I grew up in a swamp of snow. Not by your decision, I hope.
Every attempt I had made to fill in what should have been there was met by contempt time and time again. You never even considered what was in my brain. Logically this would lead to the creation of our current relationship. Where I don't know you, and you don't know me. You hear what I want you to hear, and I do not know enough about you to be able to heal.
Have you ever regretted the bullets you spoke? Or was it not enough to show you the wounds opened by your words to prove they are not born of love? Have you not noticed the weapon of mass destruction you hold above your chin and below your nose?
So now I stand before the hardest question of my life. Not because of my own beliefs, but because of society's. Should I accept my death and kill myself? Or eliminate you from my life and survive?
Another unresolved question remains...
