EVERMORE ─ marvel ⁷

IV. Pain Old And New

Chapter Four
Alex

I keep glancing at Jo as we unpack the boxes for Sam and Jade's living room. She's uncharacteristically quiet, has been for over a week now. She's unwrapping items and opening up boxes in a robotic like way, her lips pressed in a thin line, her eyes glazed over in thought.

"Peanut," I begin, reaching out and touching her hand, taking her out of her thoughts. "I think it's time we talk."

She acts like she doesn't know what I'm talking about. "About what?"

"You tell me."

She sighs, pushing the box away from her, plopping herself down on the floor, a deep huff releasing from her chest, fluttering her bangs. I sit down next to her, placing my hand on hers once again, though this time she holds it back.

"Quid pro quo, Dad," She responds after a minute. "You talk about what's bothering you and I'll talk about what's bothering me."

I release a huff of my own. "Fine. You first though."

She nods slowly, her voice lowering, her face hardening. "Uncle John's death was my fault. The Savage stabbed him, and when I went to go save him she stabbed me and my powers just stopped working. I could have pushed harder, I could have made my powers work, but I just fled like a coward. I left him to die, I left him and I can't forgive myself for it. He's dead because of me. And I know what you're going to say, you're going to tell me it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't blame myself, just like everyone else says, but it doesn't matter what you say. It won't make the guilt go away. I just have to live with it."

Guilt is poison to the heart, it keeps you from healing, keeps wounds open. Soroya said that once. Here I've been focusing on my own guilt when my daughter was dealing with it, too. I should have known she was blaming herself for what happened to John, but I've been too wrapped up in myself and Soroya to notice, notice that she's been suffering as much as we are.

"The only way you'll move on is if you forgive yourself, Jo." I whisper.

"I can't forgive myself."

"In time you will."

She shakes her head, beginning to tap her foot as she exposes the other source of her distress. "I've been thinking a lot about Daniel Fai, about Lorelei Clark...I shouldn't be giving either of them the time of day, I should want nothing to do with either of them..."

"But?"

"But I want to learn more about them. My mother was a horrible person who caused so much pain, but I want to know who she was before all that. Where was she born? What was her childhood like? Why did she pick such a horrible profession? And Daniel...I don't know if I can forgive him for what he did to our family, to our people, but I want to. Hanuman damn me, but I do. I want to learn more about him too, talk to him, learn more about myself. Up until a week ago I didn't know my birth name, didn't know my birth parents or where I came from. I still have so many questions. I know that's wrong."

"That's not wrong, not at all," I tell her earnestly, feeling like the worst father in the world. I've done a really shitty job at supporting my daughter as of late. "You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to get to know your birth parents, that's completely normal. Peanut, if you want to get to know Fai, then your baba and I will support you. That choice is entirely up to you."

"Really? You aren't mad?"

"Of course not. I just want you to be happy, Jo. If that's what you want, then I have no objections."

She smiles, squeezing my hand a little tighter. "Your turn."

I open my mouth to speak, but I quickly shut it again, not knowing how to put what's been going on with me into words. I don't even fully comprehend what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, so I just decide to wing it and hope it makes sense: "I had one job in HYDRA. They couldn't train me, couldn't control me, so they would beat me until I shifted and would make my animal form execute prisoners. It's not something I talk about a lot. It's the thing that's haunted me the most from my HYDRA days. When the Shifter took over my mind and body, he...he did what he did in HYDRA. At least back then I wasn't aware when it was happening, but this time I-I saw everything. I've spent many years trying to forget all of this, but the Shifter brought it all back. It's just been a lot."