The Love I Had

Aaron Hotchner

Hotch was the first one to receive the journal, apparently Emily had wanted them to have it. As he flipped through the pages, telling himself not to read the entries that weren't addressed to him, It's rude he thought, Those ones aren't for me. He knew that Emily wouldn't have wanted him to. He finally found the entry with his name. He already had tears in his eyes, he still couldn't believe that Emily was truly gone; He began reading,

Aaron,
I don't have many regrets in life, except leaving you to look after the team. I know you feel like it's your job to protect all of us, and give us a safe outlet for our emotions, but please don't forget, you need one too. You are an amazing person, father, profiler and most importantly, an amazing friend. You were always there for me, and everyone else. I often feel as though I wasn't as great a friend back.
    Please Hotch, don't think you could have prevented this from happening, it was inevitable. I know that you may be thinking "I could have stopped this" or, "I should have seen the signs". But no, you couldn't have seen the signs, maybe you forgot, but I was a profiler too, I know how to hide those things.
    I never wanted it to come to this, in all honesty, I never wanted to think about how you all would react when I did this, you all are my family and I didn't want to have to do this to you. It's too complicated to explain, the way I feel, but I guess I just couldn't see a future, not in the BAU, not with you guys, I simply couldn't see anything for me at all.
    Hotch, I wanted to thank you, for everything you have ever done for me. You gave me this job, you believed in me even when no one else did, you gave me chance after chance when I messed up, you helped me grow as a person. You always knew what I needed to hear, even if it wasn't positive. Thank you. Thank you for being honest with me, thank you for believing in me, and most importantly, thank you for all the incredible memories that I will always treasure.
I'm sorry Hotch, I really am. I hope one day you can forgive me.

Hotch dropped the Journal onto his desk, he felt the tears rushing down his face. Usually, he wouldn't allow himself to break his composer, especially not at work, but he didn't care anymore. Hotch couldn't believe that Emily had blamed herself, not even that, but had thought that he would blame her. He wiped the tears from his face with a tissue, This is not the time, he had work to do, he gave the journal to Penelope, explaining that Emily had left an entry for each of them, and that she was to read it next. Penelope brokedown at the thought of Emily. She fell into Hotch's arms crying, finding it difficult to breathe.
"It'll be ok Penelope, everything will be ok"
"I don't know how you can say that, not right not at least"
To be honest, he didn't either, but he knew she needed to hear it. After a minute, Penelope pulled away from Hotch, she took the journal from his hands and whispered, "Thank you", as she began walking back to her office.