An Epic Love Story

30. Worthless

Harry was heartbroken.  He was in love with someone who hated him.  Someone who thought that his words were worthless.  That he was worthless.  He had been fooled again.  Trusted and given a piece of himself, only to have it thrown back in his face.  Just like Ron had done all those years ago.  Just like Jacob had betrayed him on the mission.  Just like he had known, from the beginning, that he didn't matter.  He would never matter.  Why did it have to hurt so much this time.  Ron was like a brother.  Jacob used to be his friend and brother.  But Draco.  Draco was so much more, he was like the sun rising.

He was like the first raindrop on a cloudy day.  He was the light when all he could see was darkness, and he knew in his heart that he wanted to love him forever, wanted to hold him forever, and tell him that he was so so sorry, because really, he couldn't help that his eyes were green.  And his mop of unruly hair, well that was genetics, wasn't it.  And why would you hate something like that about someone.  Surely those were things that you love, that you adored.

And then it hit Harry like a ton of bricks.  Draco didn't hate him.  Draco was scared, just like he was, of being used.  They were quite similar in many ways.  Their childhoods had both been horrid, and they had learnt to cope with it themselves.  Neither of them had received the love that they so desperately needed growing up.  Always having to conform to other traits, doing what was told, what was expected.  Never once did they ever express feelings.  Well, now was most definitely the time to change that, don't you think.

Harry had been sitting by the lake after leaving the hall, his stomach rumbling with hunger, because he hadn't eaten.  He was hurt and embarrassed by Draco's words, but then felt someone standing at the back of him.  He turned to see Pansy.  He wiped his eyes, and asked what was she doing there.  "Draco didn't mean it Harry.  He's hurting.  Hermoine told him to wait for you in the common room.  We will leave you two alone, but you need to sort out your issues with each other.  Today", she pleaded.

Harry nodded, and said thank you.  A Slytherin that was helping him!  He was grateful, and knew that if he really wanted Draco in his life, he would have to take his hiding like a man.  He would listen to whatever Draco had to say to him, and apologize.  He wanted his friendship first.  More than anything.  If they could be friends, there would definitely be a chance to become lovers.  And so he ran.  All the way to the common room.  Having past no one on the way, for which he was grateful, he uttered the password, and entered the common room.

It was empty.  And so he called.  "Draco?".  No answer.

"Draco!", he called again.  No answer.

Just when he was about to call for the last time, he heard a voice.  Thick with tears and emotion, he turned to see that the blond boy was crying.  Sitting in front of the fire, hidden by a recliner, Draco started speaking.

"What gives you the right to decide that your life is worth less than mine?  What gives you the right to decide that your life is worthless.  What in the name of fuck gives you the right to play god, Harry Potter", he asked as he stood up.  "Did you think that no one would notice.  That no one would miss you.  That nobody cares about you or loves you.  What gives you the right to tell me that I need to love, when you did what you did", he shouted.

Harry had no idea what he was he was talking about.  He started to say exactly that, when Draco started his shouting again.  Tears streaming down his face, he pointed a finger at Harry "You're a stupid, stubborn, son of a bitch Gryffindor, you know that?  Everyone cares about you Harry, everyone.  Everyone but yourself.  You left us", he screamed.  Falling to his knees, he couldn't keep the tears coming, even if he wanted to, he started shaking with anger and with hurt.

"YOU LEFT ME, YOU BASTARD", Draco screamed at him.  "You left me, and you didn't even think what it would do to me.  To anyone, and that's why I hate you.  I love you, and I hate that I love you, and I....".  He shuddered, sobbing hysterically, struggling to get the words out, because by gods, there was so much more that he wanted to say.  Harry dropped to his knees in front of him, and just held him.  So tight that he might break this fragile boy in his arms.  Harry finally understood what had been plaguing Draco for so long.  

The fact that he had walked to his death when he faced Voldemort.  He didn't know what his actions were going to do to anyone, he just knew that he had to do it.  He had been groomed to do it.  He had been taught, and preened, and raised as a weapon, and like hell was he ever going to get someone else to do it anyway.  And so he just held onto Draco, rubbing his back with one hand, while the other was holding the back of his head.  He was so very sorry.

"Draco", he said, his voice thick with emotion.  "I am so sorry love, I did what I had to do, and I didn't think what it would do to anyone.  I did what I was told, to save everyone.  You have to understand that, please", he begged.  Draco was still crying into Harry's neck, and didn't want to let go, and so Harry kept holding him.  When at last, his sobbing was just dry sighs, he looked up at the man who was holding him.  "I was so scared Harry, scared that you weren't coming back, and I went mad with the knowledge that you walked into that forest.  Bravery can be stupid sometimes, you know that don't you?", he asked with a pleading look in his eyes.

Harry smiled at Draco.  Yes, he knew that his bravery was stupid.  But stupidity didn't define him.  It made him the man he was today, and if being brave was stupid, then he was going to be that one more time.  "I will tell you everything Draco, about why I had to do it.  Why I needed to do it.  I have loved you for so long, that when I walked into the forest to face Voldemort, you were the one I was thinking of.  You are the one that I was most sorry for if things had to go sideways.  Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  But I was willing to do it, to go without, to save you.  You were what mattered the most.  You Draco.  Only you", Harry sobbed.

It was then that Draco knew that Harry would die for him.  Would throw away what HE wanted, just to keep him safe.  He hadn't known such love before.  Draco looked into those green eyes, and saw that Harry had been crying.   He had hurt Harry, and he was sorry.  "You loved me even then?", he asked.  When Harry nodded, he was angry all over again.  "Why the bloody hell didn't you say anything, you stupid Gryffindor?", he asked, taking Harry's face in his hands.  "Why Harry.  Why?", tears streaming down his face.

"Scared of being rejected.  Not knowing if the feelings would ever be reciprocated.  Never understanding what it would do to you, if I had told you back then.  So many reasons, and I enjoyed your insults.  This may sound cruel, but it was the only way that I could have you in my life, and I would rather have you like that, than not at all Draco", he answered, with tears of his own.  "I do love you, you know.  I don't care what anyone is going to say or think about us, I couldn't give a rat's ass about them.  I am so in love with you, it hurts.  Seeing you come back to Hogwarts was such a thrill.  Feeling the love coming from you when I was in the hospital wing, was warm.  It kept me sane.  And then when I came out, that day that I kissed you, I knew my life was going to change, and I welcomed it.  Because I have wanted it for so long and...", and before Harry knew what was happening, Draco had placed his lips on his, kissing him deeply.  

Harry kissed him back, knowing that he had been forgiven.  Maybe the feelings of being worthless were unfounded.  Maybe, just maybe Draco would love him back.  He never said the words, but if his kisses were anything to go by, then yeah, he could hope to hear it one day.