every last word

f o u r t e e n

tw⚠️

DRACO

this wasn't suppose to happen.

i apparated beck to my dorm in hogwarts. leaving julie alone- juliet, leaving juliet alone.

i am currently hunched over my toilet, throwing up what feels like my insides. my body is shaking profusely and sweat is soaking my shirt.

"get out of my head!" i scream banging my fists on the toilet seat.

they are always inside my fucking head. voices. and the voices never go away- they are always there.

"please...not right now." i whisper, my chin quivering as i push off from the toilet and lean my back against the sink cabinets.

i've always had panic attacks. ever since i was 7. and usually they weren't this bad. they would only ever happen maybe 2 times a year. i was lucky back then.

but they've gotten worse. my father- the dark lord. death eaters. they are all triggers. and now i have to deal with my panic attacks every week... sometimes everyday.

it's exhausting and terrifying.

i want it to go away. it's like im drowning and there's no way out. i can't breathe, i can't think. like your trapped inside a fucking horror movie. and it won't let you out.

warm tears flood down my cheeks, and i pinch my eyes closed from crying anymore. my father told me crying was weak. maybe this would stop if i weren't weak.

my shaky hands tear my shirt off, and i feel and ounce better when i feel the cold air of my bathroom hit my chest.

"you have to do it son."

"stop.." i say, my voice cracking while i pull at the roots of my hair so hard it hurts.

i shift my body over to the shower and fumble to turn on the water. the water is cold. so cold. but it helps numb everything. and that's what i need.

to be numb.

i don't mean to cut out all my friends from my life. oliver, bella, laney, and- and juliet. but it happened. i feel bad, but i know it's for the best. i need to be alone.

the voices tell me im always alone- i have to listen to them.

i can't see juliet anymore. she made me feel things i shouldn't feel. she made me do things i shouldn't do. but it's hard to stay away- when she's always there. she's like the birds in the morning waking you up to early.

but when you listen longer to the chirps of the birds you find it's nice to listen. and you suddenly don't want them to go away. but you know in order to get some sleep you can't keep listening. you have to shut the windows.

you have to shut them out.

the frigid water hits my back. making goosebumps erupt throughout my body. i rock back and fourth, trying to focus on something but nothing helps. my thoughts get the best of me.

"you're weak."

"i'll do better- please just stop."

"too late."

"no, no, no."

i lean my head against the tile of the shower wall and slowly hit my head against it.

it will help get them out.

no one knows about these panic attacks. expect my parents. my mother is the only one who seems to care though. she would always try and help me when i was little. telling me that if she could she'd get inside my head and help fight the monsters out.

she helped. my father only thought i was weak and childish.

i became embarrassed of these attacks. i started to push my mother away- and hid my panic from everyone. my mum knows i still have them- but i don't want her help anymore.

i don't need anyone's help.

i start to calm down after awhile. the thoughts slowing down and the voices going away for the time being.

my body is shivering and my teeth chatter from the coldness i now feel due to the shower. but i put that aside and grab a white towel from the cabinet and wrap it around my freezing body.

this helps the outside of my body. helping to warm me up. but the inside stays cold and numb.

slowly i walk over to my bed and lay down, taking the covers and pulling them up and over me. my eyes are heavy and tired. im always tired. im always exhausted.

sleeping helps afterwards. it's my routine. i sit in cold water, throw things, and sleep. but today i didn't throw anything. the thoughts wrapped around my brain prohibited me from doing anything physically.

all i could manage was to turn on the water. and sit.

it's worse when i can't move. it's worse when i can't take my anger and sadness out on inanimate objects.

i know im skipping my classes for the day but it's not like i give a fuck. i hate it here anyways. this school makes me even more exhausted. and it's not like anyone cares what my grades are or how im doing.

no one really cares. and i've accepted it. the voices told me to accept it. i have to listen to them. maybe this will go away if i listen.

________

when i wake up from my nap. it's past dinner time. i skipped dinner... it's okay. im never hungry anymore.

i struggle out of my a warm bed and rub my eyes with the palms of my hands. my pants are still wet- sticking to my skin. my hair is damp, mostly dry.

i walk over to my drawer to grab a pair of sweatpants but as soon as i reach for the drawer i hear a simple knock on the door.

my head spins to the oak door and i stare at it.

who the fuck is at my dorm?

i groan and walk over to the door, swinging it open and lowering my glance to the people who stand before me.

laney, oliver, bella, and juliet.

"hey man." oliver says from the hallway.

"we got weed." bella dead pans, holding up a bag of white hand made cigarettes.

i nod, and open the door wider, allowing them in.

juliet is the last one to walk in and her eyes fall on me. they travel from my face to my toes then back up.

"why are you wet?" she asks, in actual confusion.

i look down at my wet pants.

shit.

"no reason."

_____

:(