That 000000 & ffffff || Matty Healy

You're Alive, At Least As Far As I Can Tell You Are

/ / Y O U ' R E A L I V E , A T L E A S T A S F A R A S I C A N T E L L Y O U A R E / /

"The nurse missed my vein a few times," I explain to Matty, pointing to the purple splotches along my arms. He's sat beside me on the hospital bed, one arm is wrapped around my shoulder, his other hand holding mine, fingers tracing lightly over my now seemingly prominent veins.

Brian had gone to get Jamie and he, in turn, had gone to get a doctor. Louise had shown up too, wearing her working uniform. She had been crying – they all were crying, maybe I was crying too, I don't really remember.

Dr. Feelgood had arrived soon though, kicking them all out to run a few checkups on me, ask me a few questions and give me more medication when I told him there was a sort of dull ache by my pelvis. He made small talk with me to keep me up long enough; I found he had a son my age or something, he actually wanted to compose music and his first name was Richard, which I couldn't stop laughing about because his last name was Fisher. Dick Fisher.

He had rolled his eyes and apologized profusely about his nurse being incompetent and stabbing me everywhere. She was nervous, he explained, her first shift or something. I told him I didn't mind, mostly because I hadn't remembered. He asked me if I knew my name, what country I was in, what year it was, why I was in the hospital – I answered mostly correctly, my speech stunned at his last inquiry.

"I passed out," I said slowly, almost making it sound like a question as I tried to replay the day's events as much as I could, stopping short at falling into Jamie's arms. "I was bleeding – I think I –" the steady beeping I had grown accustomed to started getting faster and it took me a moment to realize it had been the heart monitor. My heart rate was picking up profoundly. "The baby – I...is...is it alright?"

His beautiful features morphed into something solemn. He ran a hand over his copper hair, making it more askew than it already was. For a moment I wondered how old he was – with a kid my age, he couldn't have been younger than say, thirty-five? Why were my thoughts so erratic and all over the place?

He smiled gently at me, "I'm thirty-nine, your thoughts are a little spastic because of the medication...Marcy – do you mind if I call you Marcy?" I must have said that all out loud.

I shrugged, "Not at all," I said, as long as it wasn't Marceline. I felt like that name was reserved for Matty.

"Marcy, do you know what an ectopic pregnancy is?" He asked.

"The egg gets fertilized in the fallopian tube...I – oh god," I whispered, letting it all sink in. I felt my eyes brimming with tears as he placed a warm hand over my shoulder.

"I'm really sorry, Marcy," he told me, trying his best to explain the surgical procedure. I asked him something utterly stupid and he bit his lips, "Marcy, I want you to know, there is no possible way that it could have been saved, do you understand me? I'm not sure of your religious beliefs, but know that it if it wasn't removed you would have died...for good." I didn't quite understand his implication of the last bit, but I nodded. He sighed and then answered my initial question in the affirmative before leaving me alone with my thoughts. It felt like mere seconds when Jamie and Matty entered. Jamie had walked up to me, pressing a kiss to my forehead, wiping at my tearstained cheek.

"I called your parents, they said they were coming first thing in the morning," he assured me, but I couldn't help the twist in my stomach, what would they think of me? "I called Anna too, she said she loves you and none of this is your fault, alright?" I nod my head at him but I hardly believe it.

"Where's Louise?" I asked, because I missed her, I haven't seen her in days, I think. I had been avoiding the diner or any source of food, if I'm honest.