The War Within

Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Three Days Later…

            I paced outside my brother’s hospital room while my dad went inside to check on him. Was Jonathan okay? Would he live? And, if he did, would he hate me forever? Would he forgive me? I sincerely hoped he would forgive me and that we could start over, but I would understand if he did not. I barely could forgive myself even after I had come to understand what God’s forgiveness was.

I failed to shake off the feeling that I had really messed things up this time; however, I hoped and prayed that something within Jonathan would allow him to forgive me.

Ever since I returned home after talking to Leah Friday night, I had not ceased praying. I was not sure if I was doing it right, all I knew was that I had to get right with God. I had to confess everything. Much to my surprise, I actually wanted to do this. I wanted to come out before God and tell him every little thing I had done since I had walked away from him. I wanted him to know how much I regretted it and that I was sorry. There was still much that I did not understand, but I knew that I had to stop running from him.

I wanted God to know that I would not make such a foolish mistake again and that from now on I would commit my life to him even if it meant living an incredibly difficult life. I was done trying to figure things out on my own and I was done listening and trusting Nekama. I did not want Nekama in my life, I wanted God. I needed God. I would always need him. After I had come to these conclusions I felt a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders and Nekama’s dark presence forced away.

It was now Sunday afternoon and we had just received word that Jonathan’s heart rate had returned to normal and all his vitals were fine as of this morning. That was a relief, yet I still questioned whether or not he would pull through.

After pacing anxiously for ten minutes my dad calmly walked out of the room and smiled at me as he closed the door behind him. He actually was smiling at me. It looked like he had completely forgotten the scene he had walked in on just two nights ago. His reaction befuddled me. What on earth could have done that to him?

Was Jonathan awake? Was he okay?

I glanced at my dad and then at the door in anticipation. Would I be allowed to see him or what was going to happen to me? Had Jonathan told him exactly what had happened? Was I about to be arrested and jailed? But then why had our dad smiled at me the way he did?

My dad walked over to me and put a tender arm around my shoulder as he led me to the chairs lining the hall.

“Jonathan is awake. He’s going to be alright.” He continued to smile as he spoke with now moist eyes. “He told me what happened that night.”

My heart sank and so did my gaze. He hated me. He would always hate me. They both would. He would never forgive me. Neither of them would.

 “I-” I began but could not form any words that were even worth expressing my remorse. No words could possibly convey to my father how sorry I was. Instead of continuing I turned my eyes to the floor and examined the white tiles.

“Jonathan wishes to speak with you.” He stunned me with his words.

Did Jonathan want to tell me to my face that he hated me and hoped that I would suffer for what I had done? If that was the case, then I did not want to go in there and confront what I knew I rightly deserved. I wanted to run away and not face him. I was certain I would never be able to look him in the eye again after the wicked thing I had done.

Upon seeing my despairing face, my dad gently touched my left shoulder and said the most astonishing thing to me in his most loving manner. “Jonathan told me that he forgives you. That’s why he wants to talk to you. He forgives you and so do I. We won’t be pressing charges or anything of the sort, we forgive you. Both of us.”