It's been a year since Clay, otherwise known as Porkchop, planned the graduation event in Newport Beach. The event where a handsome Tyler Hamilton caught Clay off guard by kissing him. Clay, up until that day, had never kissed a boy before.
At 24 ye...
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"IF you want to understand me, you've gotta take the crash course in the Tyler Hamilton anxiety-and-anger experience. I call it Double A," Tyler said.
"Ooh, I love it. Tell me more."
Tyler would give me something, and I'd give him something. That was the exchange. First, he was going to give me a crash course in Tylerology. Double A.
I'd never realized how deep his past had been, and how difficult Zach had made things for him. I knew that there was a lot Tyler had yet to tell me, or confide in me about, but everything with Zach was unexpected. For me, I never had this huge coming out moment. I just kind of discovered it really late and randomly, and at that point, my friends already accepted me. Even while Tyler's family accepted him in the end, he went through a lot to get to that point. What he went through at basketball practice and with Zach was disgusting.
He told me everything else, including Zach's multiple shitty attempts to out Tyler. Writing on his locker, publicly humiliating him, outing him at prom. I was glad, at least, that Tyler seemed to be able to joke about being Prom Queen a little, but I could tell it must have stung. And it probably still did, deeper down. Wounds dug deep, and they tended to stay for longer than you would like.
But I was glad that Tyler was open to, well... opening up to me. He was sharing more than must have been normally comfortable for him, and that was more than I could have asked for. I mean, I definitely wanted to know everything about him, just because I was nosy, but I knew that telling someone your entire life story was kind of long winded and very vulnerable. So this ... this was so amazing to me.
"The first A is anxiety because that always hits first. It's like the first wave," Tyler said. "Like when Zach first tried talking to me after our scrimmage, breathing felt impossible. Like, I know that my lungs weren't really closing in on me or anything, but that's just what it feels like. Obviously, I can still breathe and stuff, but it never feels easy. Breathing feels manual when the anxiety really hits."
"Manual like ... a car?" I asked.
Tyler nodded. "Yeah, like ... Normally, when you breathe, you don't really have to think about it. It just happens or else you'd die. It's like being on cruise control in the car, where you can just sit back and let the car do its thing with minimal steering. But when the anxiety hits, suddenly, it's like I'm driving stick. I have to remind myself to shift and make all the right turns in order to take in air and let it back out again."
"I ... I don't think I've ever felt that before," I said. I knew I'd been anxious before, because I think everyone feels a little anxious on the occasion. But Tyler's anxiety sounded scary. It sounded intimidating. "So, what happens when it hits?"
"Most of the time? I just need to sit somewhere and try to breathe. Jesse knows my breathing techniques better than anyone else. I breathe in for a 4-count, then breathe out for an 8-count. After the scrimmage, Cayden was there, and he didn't know what to do yet. But, I uh, I have a code word. It's watermelon."
