All I wanted

23.

I was wrong. I don't know my answer. It's Thursday afternoon. I took the day off because I felt "under the weather" but in reality, I just needed a mental break. A break from all this bullshit Theo keeps feeding me.

I thought him wanting more wasn't a big deal. But then the realization hit me during the middle of the night. His face, his tone when he said it almost felt like he meant it. I start to re and overthink everything making me stay up all night.

Am I that stupid? Am I going to believe his little performance? Ugh yes, I am stupid because I do believe it. Let's just look at the pros and cons here first.

Pros: He looked liked he meant it. He's nicer to me. He's a good kisser. He's starting to warm up to me.

Cons: He's a player, we are total opposites and he's rude, well less rude for now.

None of that helped. I'm still laying in my bed confused. Do I feel something for him? Of course not, maybe a little. Ugh, I blame him and his stupid mixed signals. I just don't want to end up hurt. And having "more" with him will leave me hurt.

What does "more" even mean Theo wise? Does he mean using me for sex then disappear? Like he wants us to be together? Does he want to try to have a relationship? Who am I kidding, Theo doesn't date and never will. He'll be playing girls until he's 40.

Unlike me, after 17 years of living on this planet, I haven't dated a single person. Sad, I know. I guess I'm just waiting for the perfect one. I wanted the kind of relationship where we can fight but then laugh about it afterward, have little inside jokes, be idiots and get in trouble for the dumbest reasons, and lay in each other arms without any worry. I knew Theo couldn't offer any of that.

But what if he can? What if he already has? We fight all the time but we forget about the second after, only he knows that he was my first kiss, could have been caught in the storage closet for making out, and we talk about our fathers without judging each other.

No this can't be. I just described everything I wanted in a relationship and it all leads back to Theo. I...liked Theo. I fell into his stupid trap.

To get my mind off things for a while I clean around this house and do the laundry for a bit. I take a shower letting the steam from the hot water relieve my stress. I dry my hair and look at the clock. It's about the same time that school would be out of session. I work on some homework for a bit until I hear a doorbell.

I head downstairs checking to see who it is. I unlock the door to reveal a frustrated looking Theo.

"Where were you today?" He doesn't waste time and asks the second I open the door.

"I wasn't feeling too good not that it's any of your business." I cross my arms in front of my chest.

"Shit. Are you okay? Are you feeling better?" He now has a worried look on.

"Yea I'm fine, it only lasted for about an hour. Why are you here?" I furry my eyebrows.

"I need help from my tutor."

"Why? I thought you didn't need a tutor."

"Well, I guess thinking about you all the time ruined my academic thinking. I just really need your help, for real this time." I feel a little flutter in my stomach from his comment.

I looked at this opportunity as the perfect time to confront him about where we stand and tell him how I really feel. I probably will regret this but I won't know until I try.

I agree and head upstairs to get my backpack that had all my study notes and textbooks. I lock the house and walk down the street with Theo by my side. We walk in awkward silence.

As much as I say I will not let myself fall into his traps, look at me now, I still end up in them. Let's hope this study session/confrontation goes smoothly.

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