Life Is Beautiful

chapter 4 no tears during a graves moment

"How, How could this happen?" roxy had said in tears. " i dont know he was such a great person, to think he died so soon." jessica said. I didnt really say too much since i never got close to someone i guess i tried to be sad but i dont feel. Thats the problem with me is that if i say something it would be hurtful or even a struggle to someone wanting to fight me. Christian and me looked at each other and we gave of a sad look on our faces and said at the same time "R.I.P." It was sad to hear and about 2 days later on october 7th we were invited to his funeral as he had passed on and wanted our respects as his friends. Again idk  how to act during funerals very good so i just stared at the tombstone and the rain fell down after everyone left. I was the only one there staring not knowing how to feel besides nothing. The grass looked all wet and the flowers were getting wet but they were beautiful to see. The rain was soothing to hear as i took a breathe in this umbrella and took in all the nature. I closed my eyes and maybe i gazed off. But in the distance of the day dream i can hear a voice "Hey, HEY, HEY."
I woke back up into reality.
"you ok? asked roxy.
"but i thought you left" i said.
"well i came back since you said you were going to stay a little longer, i didnt want you to be lonely so i came back to keep you company."
"I guess i was enjoying teh nature and the rain a little bit too much." Kind of not a good thing for me to say since i was at a friends funeral and the only appreciation there is that there is a tumbstone of him left. It was later on in the afternoon and it was getting late so i told roxy i was going home, shs did the same. When i did get home my brother had aksed me " how was the funeral?"
i said "it was good"
"did u shed no tears again?"
i didnt respond.
The next day at school again the same old schedule and boring life that i always did have. This time roxy came with me on the bus. We had talked a little and asked me
"why do you look so dead in your eyes? and you seem to be alone and lonely most of the time."
"I mean what looks to dead the most to you"
"i dont know its just the feeling i get, i could be wrong but if its ok you dont have to tell me."
I didnt want to tell her anything but the fact that she was spot on about that had caught me off guard and it was interesting since most people dont really say that unless they know how it feels to be like that most of the time or in the past life experience they must have had.
I responded with "im fine."
in the back of my head i said "SHIT", because we somewhat know that when someone says they are fine it usually mean the opposite and she got a little suspicous about that and i didnt really want to raise the converstaion about myself. Luckily my stop was already there and i got off but instead she followed me.
"Hey wait, what do you mean you are fine?"
"I mean im fine is what i mean ok i always am and as much as i dont really look like it or even sound like it i am being honest." Im lying. But she did have a point since i had dark circled since i dont sleep well with insomnia.
she said "ok if you say so but if you ever need a talk you can text me." she gave me her snapchat and instagram and it was an ok feeling at first. Afterwards we started to text but i kept falling a little sleep with some of the rest, but no matter how much i sleep these dark circles never go away from my face and its annoying. It stands out and they look at you like "You good?" Its annoying but at least im not someone who dedicates themselves outwards. Next day at school i would say 8th of october, i ignored roxy a little more than usual and well i guess she caught on to that but it didnt bother me as much. Though it did worry me if she could spread a rumor but at the same time she is not popular either so it wouldnt really affect me if it did come out.I did my work and kept my day going. she got on the bus and told me boldy
"We need to talk."