admiration [l.t]

xiv

Louis didn't know a lot of things. He didn't know where he was going or what he was going to do. He didn't know how he'd get over her or even how long it would take. He didn't know how he could've stopped this. He just didn't know.

All he wanted to do, as he walked down the lonely sidewalk, was get away from her. That was the one thing he knew for sure. But the part that made that so difficult was that she held a piece of him, and with each step that he took further away from her, he only continued to rip himself apart more and more.

There were still tears that wouldn't stop falling from his eyes, but they were no longer tears of sadness or pain. They were more of anger, except no longer at her. He was angry at himself for ruining a relationship once again by pushing her away and by not knowing when too much was too much.

So in reality, he has no right to blame her, because she's right in every way.

His hands are running up and down his forearms in a weak attempt to keep himself warm as he takes slow yet long steps down the sidewalk. His phone has buzzed in his back pocket a few times, but he's not willing to check who it's from. If it is her trying to get ahold of him, he knows whatever she is saying will only make him burst into tears once again, and if it's not from her, well, that will just break his heart even more because it proves she doesn't really care.

The town he lives in is fairly small, and it's generally easy for anyone to figure out where they are just by the look of a light pole, but he doesn't know where he's going. He drove away from her dorm back to his place as quick as he could, and immediately stepped out of his car to go on a walk. His vision was blurry from all the thoughts that refused to leave his mind and the tears that refused to stop, so he lost all sense of direction.

He had been walking for another good five minutes before he finally decided to stop and go home. No, actually, he didn't want to go home. There were too many memories of the two of them there. So, he did the next best thing he could think of, which was call his best mate Carson.

When he pulls his phone out of his back pocket, he immediately ignores the notifications on the screen and enters his passcode. He's finally able to get his shaky fingers to click the contact, and the answer is almost immediate.

"Louis, bro, what the fuck. It's 12 at-"

"Are you home?" Louis asks, cutting him off, but immediately regretting speaking because his voice came out breaky and low, making it obvious that he was crying.

"Um, yeah, why? Are you okay?"

"Can you just come pick me up? I uh... went on a walk and don't know where I am now."

Louis hears Carson sigh through the phone before he hears the shuffling of sheets. "Sure, but only because I can tell there's something wrong with you. Any idea where you might be?"

Louis sighs and looks around, "Uhm, I'm on Miller Street, wherever that is."

"Alright, I'll just drive down that road until I spot you I guess."

"Thank you so much."

"Yeah, but you're telling me what's wrong with you right when I get there to make up for this."

Louis hears keys jingling through the line. "I don't think that's-"

"No, you are. No, 'ifs' or 'buts'. See you soon man. Love ya."

Louis can't reply before he hangs up the phone and puts it back in his pocket.

He doesn't stop walking though, for he knows that if he stays in one spot for too long his thoughts will rush over him like a tsunami and hold him under until he can no longer breathe, gasping for air.

And right now, he's barely able to swim.