A New Life for Better or Worse {¶ Sleepy Bois Inc. ¶}

12. Why Do Panic Attacks?

A/N also yes the title is correct, I made it so that it wasn't correct english lmao u don't have to tell me cause i know its wrong. also hi!

Your POV -.-

As said softly closed the door and said a goodbye to Phil, Wilbur, and Tommy, you walked back up the stairs into your bedroom, smiling faintly. Tommy and Tubbo had asked you if you wanted to come with them to the store, but you said no because you needed to review some math for school, even though you hadn't started yet. You really didn't want to be behind and have everyone make fun of you more than you knew they already were going to.

So, that resulted in you doing extra work while Techno was on his computer, Phil was out for work, Wilbur, who had actual friends, was out with them, and Tommy and Tubbo were both going to the store and most likely cause a bunch of chaos.

You walked into your room, and immediately flopped on your bed, your face covered in its sheets.

"Great, time for extra school work." You mumbled to yourself and then stood back up and logged onto your computer. You looked at your bookmarks, full of random bookmarks, and of course the school and math bookmarks that you had, because after all those years of being in the foster care system you knew that you were eventually gonna go back to school, and even if you didn't, you still wanted to be somehow educated.

Smol boi timeskip -;-

After studying shit for a while, you decided to look at your photos and scroll through them for no reason at all, just because you were bored, and you knew that you weren't going to get any school work down unless you took a small break.

You clicked on the photos icon, and started scrolling through stuff. It was mostly random screenshots from things that you had found on the internet, and you could recall which house you were at when each of them were taken. Then, you saw it.

The last photo, and only photo, of you and your real/old family. You were laughing at your brother doing something stupid, while your parents just rolled their eyes yet were smiling at the two of your shenanigans.

Tears started to build in your eyes and you felt your breathing start to get faster. "Stupid fucking trauma can't just leave me alone when I'm trying to enjoy life." You muttered, x-ing out of the tab and quickly trying to distract yourself with math. 

"Shit." You felt tears start to rush down your face, and you mentally slapped yourself, yet you felt the thoughts coming. "Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit" You said, standing up and sitting on your bed, putting your head in your hands.

The thoughts started to flood your head, taking up every single normal thought, and everything you had built up started to crumble down. Panic attacks always did this to you, and you always built everything back up again. You might not have the panic attacks too often, but they did a lot of damage to you, and the wall you usually built up, or the box, or chains that you used to keep your emotions in check, making it so that you couldn't feel them.

It was better for you that way, not feeling the emotions. You had come to the answer that if you ever really did open up, your whole character that you had spent so long building up, covering up the old you with, would crumble down and you would become weak, and open to emotions again.

You hadn't cried, really cried in front of somebody for a long time. When there were tears streaming down your face when you first met Phil, Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy, that didn't really count in your book. All you felt when that happened was... well just a normal not really that big of a panic attack, with a bit of a flashback. A real cry to you was when tears fell down your face, and you actually felt the pain, instead of just boxing it up and not listening to it like you usually did.