Not good enough

CHAPTER 4

ALEX'S POV:
I slowly opened my eyes. My vision was blurry. My thoughts were all over the place. I can't distinguish what's real and what was a dream. I remember Harry speaking, I remember hearing the doctors, I remember music, but I think I was sort of asleep.
- Hey honey...- I turned around and saw my mom, sitting next to me. - How are you feeling ?- she asks
- Better... I'm a bit confused tho...-
- You've been asleep for three days honey...- she tells me
- Three days ?- I ask surprised.
She nods.
- Harry?...- I ask
- He's at school now, but he comes the minute school is over, and he talks to you while you sleep, he also plays some music he says you love, so you sleep peacefully- she smiles.
- I remember... I think I heard it all while I was asleep... does that make any sense?-
- What do you remember exactly ?- she asks me.
- I... I remember him saying that he was sorry, that he always messes everything up... which is not true by the way-. I tell her. - He told me that he loved me... something about our house in the future... and children...- I keep saying.
- You remember just right darling...- she says. - Listen, I'm not going to put myself in between of your relationship, because that's not my place... but honey, he's the greatest boy I've ever known, and he truly loves you and wants to help you... you cannot lose him, he's special. There are not many others like him out there- she keeps talking. - I know right now it's difficult, and maybe you should spend some time apart or do whatever your heart tells you, but he is in love with you, I saw it in his broken eyes, he's as hurt as I am, and that is true love honey... do you love him Alex?-
- Mom... of course I love him, that's a stupid question-
- Look at me, and tell me that you love him-.
I look er in the eyes.
- I am in love with Harry mom, very much in love-. I tell her. - I just don't know what to do...-
- Just follow your heart sweetheart... I have to go to work now- she stands up. - Quick explanation, you have group therapy session once a week, and you are staying here... well, we don't know for how long-
- But mom...-
- I love you, bye !- she screams while running through the door.
I slowly sit on my bed. I've got so much in my head. I love Harry, I know I do. But I feel like we just keep crashing against a wall and we can't seem to get out of there. We just keep falling and falling all over again.
I look at the door and see a nurse coming.
- Good morning Alex, I'm doctor Peterson, and I will be helping you here, okay ?- he asks.
Hes rarely handsome, and he seems nice.
- Right now, we have a group therapy session, so please, slowly stand up so I can place you in this wheel chair-.
- I don't think I need that- I tell him.
I stand up, and grab to the bed as I almost fall to the ground.
- Oh, I think you do- he smiles.
He carries me to a comfy little room, there are 4 other people sitting on their chairs.
- Hello everyone! - the doctor screams while placing me on my seat. - How are we doing today ?-
everyone smiles but they don't answer.
- Well, we have a new patient here, so let's welcome her, and introduce ourselves-
I watch the first guy standing up. He's very very tall, his eyes are a weird light brown, and his hair is black and very short.
- Hi, my name is Mario, I'm 17 years old, and I'm bulimic- he says while sitting down.
- Hello everyone, my name is Angela, I'm 14 years old, and I am bulimic as well-.
- Hi, my name is Leo, I'm 15, and I'm anorexic- he says.
- Your turn Alex-
I look around. I see them all looking at me.
- Hi everyone... um, my name is Alex, I just turned 17, and I'm anorexic-
everyone says hi back.
- Well, now that we are all introduced, let's talk about our fears and purposes shall we ?- Peterson says.
He starts asking every single one of them.
- My fear, I guess, it's not being fully accepted by this society- Leo says. - As a transgender man, I've always struggled with my image, because I have a female body structure. I thought that by losing some weight, my shape wouldn't be so obvious, and people will accept me as the man that I've always been- he says.
I listen very carefully to his story. I think he's very brave.
- What about you, Alex?- I realize doctor Peterson looking at me. - How would you describe your fear, what is your fear ?- he asks.
- Um... I guess, I don't really know- I whisper shyly.
- Everybody knows what they truly fear the most, we choose to see it or not- he answers back.
- Well I guess... I mean, gaining weight would be my biggest fear- I tell him.
- How come ?-
- I was kicked out of my group of friends for not being thin enough... and after that I just, started losing weight... my boyfriend fell in love with me, he met me when I was sick, so if I gain weight, maybe he won't love me anymore- I tell him. - I just... I know how it sounds, but I like the way I look-
- Of course you like it, you tell yourself that the way you look is completely normal, and that what you do is just fine, and that you have it under control. But you don't, non of you- he speaks. - Control... that word that you all love, control over what you eat, what you don't, over calories... we never ever have fully control of situations, no matter how hard we try to-
his mind is wise, but he's wasting his time.
- Bullshit- Mario whispers.
- Why bullshit Mario ?- Peterson asks. - Have you ever had complete control over your life?-
- I mean, no but...-
- There it is- he stops him. - We're done for today lads, see you next week!-
he carries me back to my room, where I find harry sitting.
Peterson places me in my bed.
- You've got this Alex- he whispers as he walks away, leaving the two of us alone.
- Hi bab... Alex- Harry says.
- Hi-
the tension in this room could be easily cut with a knife.
- I... How are you feeling?- he asks.
I get the chance to look at his face. And I look into his eyes. He has enormous eye bags, his eyes are red, from crying, his hair is messier than usual.
- Harry...- I whisper.
- Tell me- he looks down. - Tell me that you want to end this, so I can move on- he cries.
- I don't... I don't want to end this-
I see him look up, his look just changed. I see hope in his eyes.
- I really don't, but... but I think we need a time off here baby- I tell him. - I need to be better, I need to be happy, because if I'm not, I can hurt you and drag you down with me, and I can't afford to hurt you like that- I tell him. - I love you, but we need this, do you understand?-
he nods.
- I understand baby... I juts, promise me that this is not a goodbye, just do that for me, please ?- he cries.
I place my forehead against his, and let some tears out.
- I promise Harry- I start remembering some of the things he said while I was asleep. - Maybe you're right, maybe if I fight hard enough... one day, we'll tell our children how their father is the kindest man alive- I tell him.- everything you touch, you make it special Harry... I love you too- I whisper.
- You heard it ?- he asks with a broken smile.
I nod.
- I don't know how, I just...-
he kisses me. Harshly, but softly. there's rage, there's pain. But there's also love and passion.
- We'll see each other soon, okay ?- he tells me.
- Don't say it like that, it feels like for ever- I cry.
- Well the, see you later, okay?- he cries too, but we both smile.
I nod as I watch him walk away.
I trust him. And I believe in us. I know that he loves me, and I love him. And for now, that's all that matters.