Tracing The Stars H.S AU

Chapter 23- To Talk Or To Fuck

Blair's POV

Sexual content!

"Welcome back Blair. How are you doing? You seem a little pale." Madeline, my therapist, asked me.

Madeline's office that usually has a bare look was decorated holiday-themed. She had starry lights hanging up all around her office. She even wore a Christmas themed sweater with an ugly looking Santa Claus on it.

"Oh, yeah. I think I'm just a little hungry. I don't think I'm intentionally starving myself. I've been feeling really good about my body lately. I just have a lot on my mind and a lot of school work to do. Sometimes I forget to eat."

She reaches in her draw and spreads out some cooking and crackers on the coffee table in front of me. "Here. Take what you would like."

I reach for the crackers peeling the plastic covering off.

"What's been keeping your mind so busy?"

I finished chewing the cracker I took a bite out of before speaking. "Well, I have a lot of school work to do. I'm usually decent at time management, but Harry and I got into sort of an argument, and it has been on my mind."

"What happened?"

"I told him about what happened sophomore year with my ex, Justin.  He was okay at first, but then he just left me. When he came back, he was drunk, and then I saw him at school a couple of days ago, and he was drunk again. He was talking about fixing what happened. I don't want to be fixed. I just wanted a friend, I guess? I wanted someone to talk to about it, that wasn't my therapist or my mom, or my Dad, or a lawyer for christ's sake. "

"Leaving isn't a good initial reaction. You have every right to be angry."

"I know I do. I just feel so conflicted because I don't want to be mad at him. He fucked up, but I still miss him."

Madeline scribbles in her notebook. "I say that some relationships are worth saving. It will take work, but if you think Harry is a genuine person who made a mistake, then you might be willing to give him a second chance." I take another bite of a cracker while Madeline continues to talk. "You are also able to forgive someone without giving them a second chance. You are also not obligated to forgive him."

Having a conversation with Harry could be worth it. He is one of the few people who came into my life and genuinely made me happy.

"Also, I've been thinking about what he said about helping me. I  never took legal action because I didn't want to. Now, thinking about it,  did I make the right decision? Not taking legal action because I didn't want to seems...inherently selfish. Justin could be out here hurting people right now. I had an opportunity to put him in jail, but I didn't. I can't help but feel like that makes me a bad person."

A look of concern flashed on Madeline's face. "Blair, that's not your responsibility. You are a victim, and your first step in this process is healing. It is not your fault. Justin is a bad person, and it is not selfish of you to put your recovery process first."

I nod my head. "Ok."

Sometimes in therapy, I'm not sure what to say. Just because Madeline tells me it's not my fault and that I am a victim doesn't mean I necessarily feel that way.

+++

"Are you okay?" My mom asks on the drive back to the house.

We stopped for hot chocolate, something my mom knows I love and will always cheer me up. I knew she sensed something was wrong. My mom and I were really close. Before she got the receptionist job at the hospital, it would just be me and her at home. Even though we didn't have the most money, my childhood was fun. My mom and I would bake cookies for my Dad when he came home from work. She even taught me how to braid hair on my little barbie dolls. Now that she works at the hospital, I see her less, but I don't resent that. I'm happy that she found a job that she likes and that pays well.