Tracing The Stars H.S AU

Chapter 16- Rejection Hurts

Blair's POV

Sneaking back into my parents house was easier than I thought.

My Dad was at some athletic conference and my mom was still asleep. I changed out of Harry's clothes as fast I could and woke my mom up because I had therapy and I needed to get so much of my chest.

"What do you mean almost sex?" My therapist Madeline asked me.

"Well you know I'm still a virgin so I guess we haven't done the "deed" yet, but we have had like oral sex." It was weird describing my sex life to my therpaist. We usually don't talk about it because there used to be nothing on the topic to talk about.

"So when he asked you on the date was there any particular reason why you said no? Did you not enjoy last night?"

I shake my head. 'No, I loved what we did. Madeline it was great, I didn't know those things could feel so good! He made me feel so comfortable and happy. He made sure I was okay the whole time. I just freaked out. He asked me on a date and I freaked out. I don't even know why! Am I even ready for a boyfriend?"

"First of all Blair, a date doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be your boyfriend." She scribbles something in her notebook before bringing her attention to me. "A date means he wants to take you out and get to know you."

"I know, I'm just nervous...scared even."

"Scared of opening up," Madeline deadpans. "Having oral sex with Harry is one thing, but going on dates, that would mean you would have to open up to him, allow him in your life. He would have to get to know you and I think that is what scares you."

She really didn't have to do me like that.

"I think we can both agree that Harry seems good for you right?" I nod my head. "You just said that he makes you feel happy and we have been working on your happiness for quite some time now. I would encourage you to stick with the things that make you happy. Take your time, but I think a date with Harry wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, when you are ready that is."

I start to pick at my nails. "Do you think I'm ready?"

"Well, I think that is for you to figure out. I can't necessarily tell you what you are ready for and what you're not, but what I can tell you is that you will never know what you are ready for unless you give it a try first."

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"You will never know what you are ready for unless you give it a try first."

I hate her. I hate her because she is making complete sense.

After therapy I went straight to my room because I just needed to have a good cry.

I don't think I'm sad, maybe just a little overwhelmed? I can't help but think I messed up with Harry. I was way too in my head, thinking that Harry would never like me when he literally asked me out on a date. It's my subconscious telling me that I'm not good enough for him, that all my insecurities will just come into play, and at the end of the day, he will end up resenting me.

Opening up with sex, no matter what kind was a huge step. Sex was never a postive experince for me until I met Harry. However, it was different from opening up emotionally. I would have to talk about me, and to be completely honest I don't even like me. I hate certain parts of my body, I think that certain parts of my personality are annoying, and if I don't like them, how is anyone else supposed to?

I also feel like I come with way too much baggage. Harry might think he is ready to go on a date with me, but what if one date turns into more? With more dates comes more talking and more opening up and if I open up too much I just know my baggage will be way too heavy for him.