𝒎𝒄𝒚𝒕 / 𝒅𝒔𝒎𝒑 𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒕𝒔

i don't deserve you, i'm sorry

dreamnotfound

big trigger warning: self harm, self depreciating thoughts, suicidal thoughts? i'm not sure but i know really big warning for self harm
if this makes you feel a certain way, please don't read it, i don't want to be the reason why you did it or had bad thoughts, please be careful

george pov

life has been being terrible, shooting bad things left and right. why did this have to happen? why? couldn't it go to someone else? why me? why? this isn't fucking fair.

i had to do something to relieve this, i shouldn't do it, but what else could i do? i didn't know what else i could do. i had to do it. i couldn't do this anymore. and i promised i'd be careful, i just need to relieve this stress. god, am i even doing the right thing? of course not.

i walked to the bathroom and looked through the drawers until i found it, something i dreaded but made me feel...good. less stressed. until dream found out about it, god that wasn't fun at all. i understand he was just trying to help but seriously.

i took it out of the drawer and stared at it, its pointy sharp silver edges shining against the light illuminating around the bathroom. i was going to do this after being 6 months clean. god i'm an idiot.

i sat down on the floor, my back pressed against the wall. i took a big deep breath in, hopefully changing my mind, but when i exhaled, i didn't feel any different. oh boy.

i put the blade against my wrist, taking in a shaky breath. i was doing this, fuck.

i pulled the blade along my wrist and watched, as little bits of blood dripped down my wrist to the floor.

drip
drip
drip

i did it again.

drip
drip
drip

and again. and kept doing it until my wrist was full. then i switched to the other arm. i took in another shaky breath and placed the blade to my other wrist, and pulled the blade along.

drip
drip
drip

why was i doing this, why did i have to break this streak. i was doing so good. i hung my head and started to silently sob. my arms became numb to the cutting. why did i have to do this to myself. i hurt dream last time i did this, why did i have to be so selfish and do it again. more tears fell down my face as more thoughts came to me. i hate myself for this. i hate myself so much.

i'm so sorry dream.

just then the front door opened and i heard dreams voice, but very faintly. i was getting dizzy. did i really loose that much blood? fuck.

"george? where are yo-" i could tell he heard me sobbing in the bathroom. i fucking hate myself.

"george! baby! what happened?" he ran over to me, worried, just like last time. this made me sob even harder. i fucked up again.

"i-i'm so s-sorry-" i sobbed again, i really was sorry, but i couldn't do it anymore.

"baby.. hey, look at me" he said softly, i looked up at him with teary eyes and i just wanted to cry again, fuck i messed up. why did i have to do this! i sobbed again, i couldn't bare look at his face. i fucked up. why is he even still with me! this doesn't make any fucking sense.

"i'm so sorry- s-so sorry-" i sobbed. please, forgive me.
"hey" he cupped my face gently, "you don't have to be sorry, i'm not mad, i promise" he softly smiled which made me sob once again. i'm so dizzy.

"i-i'm really s-sorry, pl-please forgive m-me" why would he even forgive me. me!

"i forgive you baby, i'm not mad" he kissed my forehead. i didn't deserve him.

i started to sway a little bit.

"i-i'm a l-little dizzy-" dreams eyes widened.

"oh baby!" he picked me up and sat me on the counter and got the first aid kit. I just sat there, staring at my wrists. why did i do this. why did i do it when i have such a loving boyfriend, such amazing friends, why did i try to ruin that? i hate myself.

"babes?" i looked up to see dream looking at me softly, asking, but not telling, for me to give permission to clean my wrists. i nodded and handed him one of my them. tears were still falling down my face as he cleaned them. i couldn't feel anything because i was so numb.

"..i'm sorry.." i whispered. not trying to look him in the eyes. i was so ashamed.

"baby, its ok, you don't have to be sorry about anything. but please come to me next time you feel this way, ok?" he said softly to me. why is he so perfect.

all i could do is nod, still not looking at him. this made him lift my chin with his finger, gently. i looked him in the eyes and started to tear up again.

he kissed my forehead then both of my wrists. i don't deserve him.

"i love you, i want to help you, i want you to be healthy and happy, i don't want to see my baby boy sad and crying, i want to see him happy, smiling because of us idiots that you love, i want to see him laughing at something stupid we say. i want to see my baby boy happy because of me" he said to me. why did they send me an angel.

"i love you too.." i whispered back to him.

he picked me up and carried me to bed where we just laid and cuddled.

"i love you so much, and i will say it everyday till the day i die. i love you my baby boy" he kissed my forehead.

"i love you too bubs" i whispered back, pecking his lips.
we both drifted off to sleep, listening to each others heart beats, which was very calming.

one thing stuck in my head;
i don't deserve you
i'm so sorry.

i love all of you and i want all of you to be careful, if you ever feel this way, please talk to someone about it, or write it out, do something please. i don't want you to hurt yourself.
i love you all and please be careful 💙