My Star Min Yoongi

The Grey Planet

I got to see Searling City one last time as we walked Latsy to her new apartment. It must have cost Namjoon a fortune but when I asked him he'd said: "It wouldn't cut my budget." Whatever that meant. Jin and I had gone and bought loads of paint. We got some pemsies and enjoyed an hour at the beach and then we were gone by noon.

Jin had helped me to widen my doorway enough to get all my furniture into the hallway while I painted, and we laid a big tarp across the floor. I spent the entire day painting with a few interactions with Jin as he brought me food. I painted everything to look like the stars and constellations I was used to. And then on my big flat wall I painted Earth - big and huge - in the center. With special alien paint-drying fans we had all my furniture back in before dinner.

Today was uneventful. It was peaceful and fun. I hadn't had a day like it in a long time. That day when Jin had seen me at the café with Dani had been the last few peaceful and good hours of my life. I felt like I was pretending nothing had happened. Painting my room, pretending I had only moved house and that I hadn't been kidnapped.

Nothing felt real to me. I think that's what drove me to do it. It felt like a strange dream that I was detached from. I could feel pain but it didn't seem to be waking me up. Nothing seemed to be waking me up. I was disconnected from everything.

I found myself leaving the room in the middle of the night. I was crying but I didn't really know why. I needed to feel something. I dragged myself into the kitchen and cried for a minute. I wasn't trying to hurt myself when I took out the knife. I just wanted to see myself bleed. Just a little bit. Just to remind me everything was real. I held out my pointer finger and stared at the perfect skin.

As soon as I lifted the knife, someone grabbed my hand. It broke something inside of me. I dropped the knife and proceeded to heave out painful sobs. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know why I was doing it. It was Namjoon who had grabbed me. He sat me at the small table in the center of the room and let me cry for a few minutes.

"I didn't mean to." I cried. I knew why. I knew why I had done it. "I just... I just... I was happy today and I knew they would hate me. I-" I hiccupped and hated myself even more. "I killed them and I'm happy... They're dead because of me and not even a week later I'm painting a new room and pretending they don't exist! I wasn't trying to hurt myself. I swear it. I thought I was already dead. I just wanted to know..."

"Sage, you're not dead," Namjoon spoke softly. "You experienced something very traumatic and didn't have time to process it before you were taken away from everything and everyone who would have been able to help you. You're allowed to cry and you're allowed to feel lost, but don't allow yourself to stay that way. You're allowed to be happy and you're allowed to mourn. The two don't cancel each other out. You don't have to pretend it never happened, just don't let it consume you. Don't let it drive you to do things like this."

I nodded and dried my tears on my sleeve. He was right. I knew it deep inside of me. I hated that I kept breaking down in front of people. I wanted to be okay again. I looked up at Namjoon, he was staring at me with an intense gaze. There it was. There was the gaze that made everyone so loyal to him. There was a fire in him, I hadn't seen before.

"I guess my theory that you were a robot was wrong." My voice was hoarse but Namjoon smiled all the same.

"I guess so." He stood up and put the knife away. Then he paused and turned to me. "If you feel this way again, talk to someone." He paused again. Then he put a hand on my shoulder. "Just don't talk to Jin. He's my liar."

Then he left. What did that mean? I wanted to be close with Jin, but it seemed no one else wanted me to be. Everyone seemed to be very cautious of me. They all knew something I didn't. He's my liar. His liar. I shook my head and stood up. I walked back to my room and lay in my bed, unable to sleep.