Salvation 2035

Chapter 38- Searching

『Keisha』

     We've been roaming around for a little more than a day. I mean, it isn't so bad when we have the car, but it's still no walk in the park. Realistically, Tsuki probably didn't get too far, given that he was probably on foot. Then again, he does have one of my car key emulators, so he could be just about anywhere. I enjoy exploring, but not when someone I care about is in danger.

     It's difficult to know where he'd be. We have to really use our heads to try to determine the place where Tsuki would be looking for Cromwell. There are two big cities nearby, and we're just about halfway done searching through this one. So far nobody's seen anyone who even remotely resembles Tsuki. For someone who stands out, he's great at not being seen. At this rate, we'll find Cromwell before we find him. I'm not opposed to that- I want to even that monster out.

     Admittedly, I don't know much about Tsuki's past and what it could be like. The story Abel told about his mom could make sense to be related to Tsuki, but there's still a chance it's just a coincidence. Of course, I'm hoping for that to be the case. The very idea of someone hurting Tsuki makes my blood boil. If one thing is certain in all of this, it's that Cromwell is evil. Once she's in front of me, I'll even her the fuck out! Come to think of it, I've never actually seen her. Well, a person that awful probably stands out, so I'll know her when I see her.

     I can't quite describe what I'm feeling right now. I know that Tsuki went through something terrible, but since I don't know exactly what it was, I'm not sure how to act. He left his clothes back with us, so when I was by myself, I took one of his jackets and hugged it in my arms, wishing that he was there. It's no secret that my previous relationships have been absolute failures, and my partners have been at best neutral about me. But with Tsuki, I can tell that he cares about me. There's never been a single person who could listen to me go on and on about random historical anecdotes or the beauty of half-demolished buildings. Somehow, he can stand me talking about all of it. He likes being around me. It's such a simple thing, but I've never really had this kind of connection with another person.

     There's no doubt that Tsuki's a strong, tough, and courageous guy. Hell, he's probably the strongest, toughest, and most courageous person I've ever met. In all of the times we've run into trouble, he's been the first one to step up. But I can't help but think that this kind of behaviour of his is quite reckless.

     Although he comes across as being very confident, I can't ignore how he's so sensitive about people seeing his bare face. Even though you can change a lot with makeup (and he very clearly does), it's not like I can't imagine what he looks like without it. Don't get me wrong- I love how he looks with it on. I think that a person is most attractive when they're happy with what they look like, and he obviously is when he's dressed to the nines. I mean, in the few times I've run into him without any makeup, it's like he's a completely different person. He's more reserved and careful, as opposed to his usual collected self. I'm not sure how to fix this.

     Self-hatred isn't something that develops overnight- it takes years and years until your default state of mind shifts from 'I'm okay with myself' to 'who I am isn't okay'. You then start to believe that love and respect are conditional, and everything in life comes with a price. It's difficult to heal, and there's no cure-all method that's quick and easy. I know all of this because I've been there. I'd constantly seek the approval of others, and thought that their love was what made my existence worthwhile. It took a while, but once I decided to live for my own satisfaction, I realized my own self-worth. It didn't matter what others thought about me, because I was happy with myself. Of course, that meant that I'd avoid all the people in my life that gave me stress, so I didn't date anyone for a while. Loving someone takes a lot of energy, especially when you're trying to make that person love you, rather than them loving you by default. It doesn't matter if they actually do love you, what matters is what's going on in your head. If you can't love yourself, then it's almost impossible to love another person in a romantic way.

     Maybe Tsuki doesn't want us to find him. I realize that if he truly is dissatisfied with himself, then being with me would be super emotionally taxing. It's a difficult situation to be in. It doesn't change the fact that I'll search every corner of this damned planet until I know that he's safe or okay. To be fair, I'd go to every corner of this planet anyways.

     I love Tsuki, but I have to be open to the fact that he may not want to be with me. I'm hoping that we can be together, but what I want for him is a life of happiness. If a relationship isn't what he needs right now, I'll respect it. Besides, we're both super young, so it's not too big of a deal. It'd just be nice, that's all.

『Abel』

     I've sort of cobbled together the bits and pieces I know about Tsuki and his past into somewhat of a cohesive story. Of course, it's all speculation, but I can't stop myself from assuming the worst. Though, I do think it's highly likely that I'm correct. I can't see all these events being coincidences.

     A certain fact I know about him is that he was a runaway, and was by himself at age twelve. I also know that he's very uncomfortable around Cromwell, and for whatever reason knew a prostitute. At first, I thought this woman might have been a friend of Tsuki's sister that he just happened to know as well, given that they're both outcasts of society. The more I think about it, the more likely it seems that Tsuki might have been this woman's... coworker, for lack of a better term. It's not the sort of thing you want to even think about. You never hear about... that sort of thing happening here. Usually, if you hear about it at all, it happens overseas. Because, you know, we Americans are the poster children for being moral. You don't really think about it, and if you do, it's just because you saw a statistic. It's easy to read numbers, but it isn't easy to face the reality of it all. I have some training when it comes to dealing with people who have sustained significant trauma, but it's nothing that would make me qualified to properly treat someone who's gone through it. Still, if I can even help him a little bit, I can't sit idly by.

     Every minute that passes is one that Tsuki's all by himself out there. I don't doubt that he knows how to survive by himself, but I'm worried about what other people might think of him. I'm terrified of what could happen to him if the police were to catch him. That time in that one motel where he spoke vaguely about his relationship with Cromwell is etched in my memory, and I'll do everything I can to make sure she never finds him.

     Maybe I'm being a little too protective. After all, he is twenty years old, and there should be no problems with him being by himself. He can make whatever choice he wants, of course. But Tsuki, even though he'll never admit it, is a vulnerable person. Just as soon as he'll fight you, he'll trust you. I made a promise to David way back at the beginning of our journey. I said that I'd keep Tsuki out of trouble. I can't do that very well when I don't know where he is. I'm not great at fighting or staying cool in stressful situations, but I do care about my friend very much. I don't care what I have to do- I'll find him.