Bare (Royal Society #2) COMPLETED

Chapter Sixteen

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Chapter Sixteen
Baring of Soul

I... don't know what to feel. All I know is that there is a hollow space inside me as if I lost something. As if that part of me made my system malfunction. As if made me feel like I'm incomplete.

It's been days and I continued working like nothing happened. Na parang hindi lang naman gumuho ang buhay ko sa isang gabi.

It's hard 'cause I see him every now and then. He is unusually quiet, unlike of his character. Did it somehow affected him as well? This may be rude but I hope it did para naman hindi lang ako yung nagdudusa dito.

I'm not crying for some reason unknown to me. But my insides are messed up, making me feel like I'm nearing to blow up.

But... ayaw ko mangyari yun. For sure, once I let everything out, I feel much better, yes, but you'll never know the consequences of baring your soul to someone.

Kahit pa kay Mama.

I tell things... but not all of it. I made sure some parts are sealed tight inside me while I speak a little just to fill the gap between mother-daughter relationship. Same goes with him and Dusk.

I just can't. Madaling sabihin na magiging open na sa lahat ng bagay but the thing is, I don't want to become a burden to me. They will constantly worry about my being and will constantly check up on me.

No. I'm old enough to handle my problems on my own so why would I bother them and burden them? I know I wanted someone to lean on during these times but I also hate being a burden to them.

Complicated, isn't? Alam ko naman na ako lang nagpapakumplika sa lahat but what I show is what I let people see. I'm not the open book kind of person but that is what they perceive me. Funny because it amazes them 'cause I can openly show my emotions to everyone not minding the consequences. What they didn't know is that I made sure that part of me that I will show to them won't affect anyone.

But this is me. I can't change that part, I don't even have any plans of doing so. Keeping my thoughts locked in is like a protective layer of my being from being in pain to others and from hurting myself...

Dusk knew that. He once saw me and ever since that day, he was checking up on me secretly kahit na alam ko naman ang ginagawa niya. I appreciate him but then again, I hate being a burden to him.

Ending my life... I can count on my fingers how many times this thought crossed my mind. But no matter how many times it did, I never had the courage to do so.

Hindi ko kayang iwan sila Mama eh. They are my family and I want to love them until their last breath. I don't can't bear to see them crying because of me.

I sighed when I heard a knock on my door. It's probably Mama since Dusk won't come into my room. I stood up from my bed and went to the door to open it.

I was right. Mama entered my room and sat on my bed comfortably, if I may say. She started looking around my room and when she saw standing by the door, she tapped the bed, motioning me to sit.

Before I settled myself, I grabbed a pillow and placed my arms on top of it. Mama has that examining look in her face.

"It feels like it's been a while since I talked to you," she started.

I didn't say anything and just fumbled on my fingers, avoiding any eye contact with her. Mama has her own way of finding things out.

"Dawn," she called out which made me look at her. "How are you?"

That... I didn't know how to respond. Am I fine? Am I okay? Am I good?

I don't lie to Mama but omitting something is considered as lie so maybe I did.

"Just... tired, Mama. Chief Lady gave a rest day," I said.

She nodded. "She told me, kaya nga nandito ako. I want to bond with you. Matagal na din noong huli kitang nakasama."

Hindi ako nagsalita at pinakatitigan lang si Mama. Unlike me, Mama shows what she really, really feels. No hidden emotions at all. Kaya alam kong alam niya ang nangyari sa akin. Her face shouts worry and concern.

Parang naulit lang din dati noong nahuli ako ni Dusk sa balak kong gawin. After never ending mocks and insults from my classmates back then because I don't have a father to introduce to the class, I just got fed up.

But Dusk stopped me. And that was the time he became my father-figure.

"Dawn," malambing na tawag sa akin ni Mama.

"Ma..."

She smiled at me. "I remember myself in you, alam mo ba yun? You are my exact replica in terms of attitude - pushing people away and suffer alone."

That made me stare at her. It's true. In physical appearance, mata lang ang nakuha ko, Dusk is Mama's male version.

"Looking back, I pity myself so much," she chuckled before she raised her hand to caress my face. "But Dawn, don't you want to be free? You've been locking up yourself for years, don't you think it's time to let go of your grievances?"

I shook my head. I can't, Mama. I'm sorry.

She nodded, accepting my non verbal response. "I understand that you can't but can you let us in? We wanted to understand you, Dawn... but if you can't do that as well, then we will wait. We will wait until you can voluntarily open up your doors to let us in."

Then she held both of my hands and caressed it like it was her precious treasure. "But... you have to see the reality, Arlaise. You need to accept the fact that no matter how much you wanted to stand alone while facing the storms in your life, you also wanted to have someone to lean on, may it be Izaac or us."

I gasped and looked at her in shock. She chuckled at my reaction. "You really think I wouldn't know, Dawn?"

"I-I-I..."

"Shh. You don't have to explain anything, anak. I'm proud of you of pursuing what you want. I'm not saying what you did is right 'cause it's definitely not, just so you know. But you knew what you wanted and I'm happy for you."

Her proud voice made my heart swell. My breathing hitched and I slowly shook my head.

"But I wasn't happy..." I said in a small voice.

"Two years, Izaac became the air which saved me from suffocation. But when I'm with him, I felt like I always had to catch up with him, running out of breath while he walks leisurely."

"Despite that, I stayed... because it's him, Mama. I know to myself that I love him but I can't fully make myself be happy with him knowing I abandoned you for him."

"That's why... that's why when he decided to let go of me, I felt like I was caged once again. Because I have no one to turn to anymore. I'm alone and I'm scared, Mama."

I didn't know I was crying until I felt Mama's hands wiping my cheeks numerous times like my tears won't stop.

"But you never lost us, Dawn. We just stayed, like you, behind your back," she said and cradled me in her arms.

Then she whispered. "You will never lose us, come what may..."

***
Just a little advice. Don't bottle it up, instead, talk. Always think of the consequences if you ever crossed that thought in your mind :))