I've been looking for you?

you're cute

"I wanna die." I say to myself as I open my eyes after sleeping for almost 8 hours. Nothing special just another day, as soon as I open my eyes I'm hit hard with all the things I'm supposed to do. It's so fuckin annoying to wake up to so many boring things to do throughout the day.

I'm 17 and for all these years I've been the happiest kid I've ever seen. Things were pleasant and nice but for past few months something's different? Weird? Missing?
I don't know what's the right word to describe this feeling.

I get up finally and stretch a little. I brush my teeth while deciding if I'm pretty or ugly looking at my reflection in the mirror. It's hard. My younger self would've definitely said you're the prettiest person to ever exist. I wonder how the hell she was so confident.
Anyway I get ready to leave for school while cursing under my breath every 5 minutes.

I ride my scooter to my school. It's very childish I know but it's one of the few things that geniunely give me peace these days. Oh no, please don't mistake me for a dull or hateful person. I'm the liveliest person you'll ever have around it's just hard these days.
After parking my scooter at my usual spot, I walk towards my locker. I put my lunch inside take a deep breath and smile at the small mirror inside my locker.

I turn around, completely transformed. Oh no it's not some supernatural shitshow just back to my usual, cheerful, life of the party self. Or should I say the self I like to show to people. That doesn't matter though cos I  chose this for myself and I've got one more year in this  place. So I have to keep this facade up.

I spend the whole day with my friends Maya and Leah. Also me? I'm Sherry. We three are the model students. We get good grades, we're slightly into sports and respectful to the teachers. Not only that, but we get along pretty well with our fellow students too. I mean we do get a lot of hatred for being "perfect" but we just take pride in it and move ahead.
Till now this was all I wanted but now it's just weird.

I'm walking to the last lecture for the day,  literature. We're going to read Robert frost. I love literature, with everything changing that's one thing which is still the same.

"We're going to read the road not taken. There's something I want to point out so skim through it and then we get to discussing it." Mr Grayson says.
I'm skimming through the poem wondering what if, I had been my real, kinda dark, not so cheerful, somewhat mean self from the beginning. How things would turn out?

I don't know but everytime Mr Grayson points out a new detail, the void inside me seems to grow or stretch.
To my rescue the bell rings. I walk out of the class as soon as I can. I wave at everyone smiling as bright as I can. I'm so glad and relieved that Leah and Maya don't leave with me today they still have some lectures left.

I can feel a lump building inside my throat. When did I become this PATHETIC person?
I grab my scooter and mutter under my breath, "I wanna die."

How often do I say it these days? It's so weird. Why labelling these feelings is so hard?
"That's not what I expected the 'life of the party' to wish for secretly."

Was I that loud?
I smile awkwardly at a guy. He's unpopular. So I don't know him. Pretty mean? That's exactly what I can't be in front of people, so I just awkwardly laugh.

"You're cute." He says
What the fuck, sure. Is what I wanna say but my other self wouldn't like it so much.
"That's really sweet of you, thanks."
He smiles really wide. He's cute ngl.
"Anyway gotta go, see you later."
I turn around and leave.

I'm cute?

*

Hey! Hope someone is reading it. So in the next chapter you'll see some real developments ig? I don't know if anyone will read it but yeaa this chapter is more of a set up. So please go a little easy. That's all I got to say.
Thanks for reading it. You're a great human being lol. No you really are, or you can be one it ain't that hard. Now it's just me rambling.
So yea till next time!