Secret | (Merder)

Guilt

Cristina's P.O.V.

The second I knew Mer had a miscarriage I was on her side. I knew she would need help from me, and I wanted to be there for her. This was not in the way I imagined. I imagined helping her tell Derek, being a shoulder for her to cry on, and such and such. Meredith is acting... acting like a little kid! Yeah, yeah whatever it's a miscarriage, ooo- She will not tell Derek at all, which I think is a hole she will keep digging herself in, but ya know... I'm her person so I kinda have to be there for her. I guess that this is how it works, right? I don't know. This is what I had been thinking for the past two hours in an on-call room.

*pager beeps*

"Awesome, an Aortic Repair! I am gonna be a cardio freaking god in this surgery."

I grabbed my white coat and my stethoscope. and headed out of the on-call room. To get to the patient room I had to pass the vagina squad wing. I saw Mer headed for that wing too. "Are you going to tell Derek about this?" I said. She paused, I could tell she was thinking.

"I honestly don't know. It is so hard to tell people about this!" She wined. I rubbed her back. I knew what she was kinda going through from my ectopic pregnant thing... I just was annoyed though. She needs to tell Derek I mean, he was the father of her unborn baby. I turned down the hall and went downstairs to go to OR 3. I scrubbed in for 5 minutes making small talk with the other surgeons on this case. Then, I walked in the OR and we started. It was a 5-6 hour surgery.

During the whole aortic repair I was just thinking about Mer. What is this feeling? I feel like, bad... is this what friendship is? I don't know, I've never been this close to someone.

***

I exited the OR to scrub out, "I rocked that surgery! I need to see Mer though." I ran out of the OR scrub room after scrubbing, and I started walking down the catwalk. I saw Derek, he slammed his hand on Mer's car. I could tell he was upset. My heart dropped, seeing Derek upset made me upset. Meredith and Derek are meant to be, I hate to see them apart. Mer needs to know how sad he is so she can tell him. I walked upstairs to the Nurse's Station.

"Hi, do you know where Dr. Meredith Grey went?" I asked.

The charge nurse responded, "She is in that on-call room." I nodded and thanked the charge nurse. Then, I knocked on the door.

"Come in," Mer said, then I walked through the door.

I started to talk, "Derek... he is upset. He wants to know what is the matter. Meredith, I think it's time we tell him!" she looked away from me, "no matter how bad I want to, he can't handle the truth- no matter what." I looked down We sat there in silence for a few minutes before she scolded at me, "Tell him to... leave me the hell alone. I just need to be in a better place right now. I am gonna take an absence from work. I will go pack my stuff."

My face popped up in shock and in anger, "Mer, you just can't do that. What about- what about me? More importantly what about Derek!" She stood assertively, "He needs to continue to heal Cristina! He has PTSD, I can sense it."

"Derek, really? You have it! Have you seen your symptoms? Oh my god Mer, for once this is actually your fault!" I argued back. She got up from the bed and went to my side, "Just tell him Cristina... please!"

I nodded and exited the room, and went to talk to talk to Derek. My stomach felt like there was a big pit in it. Derek was coming in the hospital with a big bruise on his hand, and some dried up tears. I hate to say this, but I am nervous. I don' t want to hurt Derek at all, but I am Mer's person so I guess I have to be there for her. Ughh- this is why I am usually solo.  I started walking to Derek, which he was walking to me most likely to ask the question, 'Where is Meredith?'

I looked him in the eye, " Stay away from Meredith. She is fed up with you asking her, 'what is wrong' Just let it go. Just let it go Derek!" I walked away while everyone is judging him. I feel so terrible, oh man.  The guilt had already set in. I decided to go into the resident's lounge to change into my normal clothes. I was thinking about what I've done to Derek for Meredith's sake. This makes me super annoyed. When I walked in I saw Meredith unconscious on the floor.

"Get me a gurney!" I screamed. Tons of nurses rushed in and blood rushed down down her groin area. "Oh, Mer- don't die please." I looked at her pupils, right one is dilating. I only knew one good neurosurgeon, it's Derek.

I yelled, "Page Shepherd!"