recollision ~ ymir x historia

8: a rope and a wish

and in my eyes there is a tiny dancer,
watching me

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that damnned smile. it was like a sign telling the world was ok when was suffering. i started to the care what happened to me. i went along with every plan set in front of me.

i like to think that's who i found myself with my childhood friend jack.

i didn't want to do anything with him and we had never been that close as kids. i did not love him. i loved ymir. in front of my was my purpose, become a human incubator for the likes of the world. anyone who knew me who scoff at the idea. ymir would make fun of me lightheartedly, she knew i hated babies. she would probably put her hands on her hips and lean over to get on my level. she would meet my eyes and i would be lost in them. i probably wouldn't even hear what she was saying.

i snapped out of my thoughts as i heard the sound of heavy footprints of wood. i was sitting on the porch of the small cottage i was provided to live in. just over the horizon i could see my small dinky barn. my sense of freedom feeling as far away as the little building. our house was small and had a rural barn aesthetic. it was homey and smelled like lavender. it was nothing special but it was a place i would love to spend the rest of my life in, given different circumstances.

i looked up at jack as her walked onto the porch where i sat. he was a well built man with lanky legs and curly blonde hair that fell over his eyes when he looked down. he had hardened brown eyes and many moles resembling freckles sitting his face. he seemed like a kind man, but in reality he was no golden boy.

our problems started when i denied him the first time. his pale face had turned ghastly. he continued to ignore me for the rest of the day. i didn't really have a problem with it. i he didn't care about me and i docile care less about him . i continued on with me day, though my burdens were really starting to take a toll on me. this cycle of events continued a few times. jack would make advances and i would deny them in some way. i much preferred to rot in my own misery, though i didn't want anyone to see or know that.

eventually it got worse, he was making me so uncomfortable and i had told him to get away. we were in our small kitchen. the air was stuffy and everything around me seemed to move in slow motion. pots and pans decorated the walls even though we opted to never use one out of our on stubborn impulses. jack grabbed my wrist and pushed me onto the hard granite table. the force sent a wave of pain down my back that i knew would leave a bruise. his face contorted in anger. " i do everything for you and what do you repay me with? NOTHING! you mope around all day reminiscing on a past you can't change. you are such a useless BITCH. " he spat. the old historia would've teared up- but i sat there stone faced, i had lost the gleam in my eyes a long time ago. then jack did something i never would've imagined, he slapped me right across my face, leaving a nasty red mark.

that night i cut myself again. it's not like i wanted to, but it's the only thing i could think of to releave me. i thought that i could drown out my emotions with pain.

jack continued his abuse. he would give me dirty looks, yell and spit on me, and kick me while i was down. and it only got worse.

one night i was driven over the breaking point. jack had assaulted me. my mind screamed in agony along with my body. every part of me told me different things.

i wanted to fight back but i was too tired. i wanted to run but i was too slow and weak. i wanted to die but i was too stubborn.

i layed with my cheek pressed against the cold tile floor of the cottage. jack was long asleep but i didn't move. i felt my heart beat against the ground and i felt my mind drift in and out of consciousness. i attempted to stand up and eventually made it to my feet. i walked one step at a time out the the front door, the moon and stars illuminating me and showing me a path as i walked. i just kept walking. i walked over soft grass, i walked over pigmented sand, i walked over hard pointed rocks. eventually i neared a familiar sight.

i saw the barn in front of me. it reached into the sky and beckoned me toward it. as i walked inside i saw the dim eyes of stray cats peaking out front under hay bales and behind tins of tools. the night was calm and sickly quiet. i looked up to the sky and saw the moon staring back at me. i wondered if ymir was watching me, god, ymir would never be proud of me. she would have never let herself sink this far. i slowly but surely made my way to one of the barrels of construction supplies. i reached in and grabbed a rope and tied it to one of the rafters above my head. as i delicately tied the rope many thoughts started to race through me head.

when i'm gone what will everyone think?

eren would be sad, i never had my freedom
mikasa will be regretful, we used to be close
connie would lose another friend
levi would fail to protect another one of his students

i climbed into the rafters, feeling to cool breeze of the night on my back. i looked up to the stars my life was flashing before my eyes. all the friends i had made and the memories we had shared. i rested the noose around my neck and looked up to the sky. i stood up on the rafters and stretched my arms up high. my arms were decorated in scars- those scars painted my story.

i'm coming to see you again ymir.

then i fell backwards off of the rafters.

a/n: 1k+ words! wow this chapter made me sad while writing it:( i hope i did a good job of portraying these deep and serious topics. i'm so thankful for all of the appreciation my story has been getting! i'm thinking that i have about 5 chapters left, give or take a few.

yes im going to put fluff but i'm a sucker for angst if you haven't already noticed.