Retrograde [Completed]

Part 35

Hey ladies, theydies, and readers. Sad to say that after this chapter there about 3-4 parts left, including the two epilogues. I'm so sad that this story is ending, and I can't believe I'm almost done with another one. I will be starting a new fic after this, called Zenith (credits to my sweet baby M). I'll post a little sneak peak in one of the next few parts coming up. Love y'all.

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You're on the phone with Hotch discussing how you're planning to pay him back for helping with your mother's caretaker bills. He was giving some push back but you knew you could win this disagreement if you kept being stubborn.

"I'm going to the store to get tampons, do you need anything?" Sid sticks her head into your room.

"One sec, baby." You mute yourself. "Yeah, I guess I do need some. Let me check my app." You tap a few times on the screen and your mouth drops open. Unmuting the phone you say, "Aaron, I have to call you back." Your voice uncharacteristically high.

"Is everything alright?" He's concerned.

"Everything's fine, I'll call you back. Love you." Your voice wavers and you internally kick yourself for not being able to hold it together.

"I love you, Aisha." His voice is confused but you hang up anyway, not wanting to alarm him if what you're thinking isn't true.

"Aisha, what's wrong?" Sid brings herself all the way into your room.

"My period is late." You say, astonished. Caught up in all the sex and romance you hadn't been attention to much anything else, including when you period came, or lack there of. Your conversation with Hotch in the bathtub plays in your head.

"Aren't you on birth control?"

"Yes."

"So what's the worry?" She shrugs.

"Well I mean...we've never used protection which is new for me..." You look at your hands, embarrassed.

"Never?" She gasps. You shake your head. "And every time he..." She trails off, her face wrinkled up.

"Sid, I don't need to be reminded of the graphic details."

"Aisha, it's been months." She can't hide the shock and disapproval in her voice.

"Oh my god, I'm going to puke." You're pacing around your room. Things were going great with Hotch and you didn't want to mess things up. You two had just spoken about having kids and how you wanted to be later. Would you want to give up a kid if you were pregnant?Would he?

"Do you want to do a test?" She stands, ready to go.

"No, I'll make an appointment with my gyno." You wanted to figure out with your doctor why your birth control was acting wonky.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I want to be sure."

"I'll come with you if you want."

"Please." You reach for her and she pulls you into a hug.

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"Have you been experiencing any pain in your lower abodomen?" Your doctor looks at you quizzically.

"Not more than usual." You shrug, swinging you legs back and forth on the end of the examination table.

"There are...quite a number of fibroids on your uterus." She says matter of factly, her eyes accessing you cautiously.

"Okay, I'm guessing that's what's stopped my period. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Ms. James...the fibroids that are on your uterus and ovaries indicate that...that there's a strong probability you'll never be able to have children." She says apologetically.

No. No. No. This has to be a lie. A dream. A nightmare. This had to be a joke. You and Hotch had just talked about kids. You had finally believed in love again and were planning on eventually having your own children and that possibility was taken away in a matter of moments with medical tests and ultrasounds.

"I'm sorry, what?" You're hoping she'll say she was kidding.

She gives you a sad smile. "Unfortunately, with there being so many and in the areas that-"

You cut her off, no wanting the whole explanation anymore. No matter the science and how much it made sense, you hated that this was real. "No, don't explain more. I understand."

"We'll need to schedule a removal. You'll need to be on bed rest for a few weeks afterwards. No stairs and no lifting."

"The sooner the better." You whisper, your mind not completely wrapped around what's happening. She makes you an appointment to have them removed next week. You walk out of the examination room dazed, not taking in your surroundings and Sidney rushes up to you.

"Aisha what's wrong?" She grabs your hand.

"Can we just wait until the car please?"

"Sure. Aaron called looking for you."

"I turned my phone off, I couldn't face him. Can't face him." You loop your arm through hers, keep your head forward.

"You're scaring me." The two of you continue to walk but once you get to the parking garage, she Sidney stops in her tracks. "Aisha. Talk to me." She moves your hair out of your face.

"I...can't have kids."

"What?" All of the color drains from her face.

"I can't have kids." You repeat yourself, faster this time. It's sinking in. Really hitting you. Your body feels heavy, like stone.

"Honey, I'm so sorry." She pulls you into a tight hug.

Her phone rings as you're about to respond. She pulls it out of her bag, Hotch's name flashing on the screen.

"I can answer it, say you're not out yet."

"No it's okay, I'll talk to him." You take the phone from her and walk across the way, giving yourself some privacy. "Hi." You whisper.

"Hey, baby, I've been calling you." He sounds relieved.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry you. I had that doctor's appointment remember?" You clear you throat, trying to sound normal.

"Did everything go well?"

"I think we should talk about it person."

"Today?" He asks eagerly.

"No, I think I need some time to process."

"Or we could talk about it and process together." He reasons but you shake your head.

"I just need space, Aaron." You breathe.

"Are you running?" His voice is just above a whisper and breaks your heart.

"No!" You yell. How could he still think that everything you would leave? After being so vulnerable.

"Was it the ring? Did I push too hard?"

"Don't think like that, I love you."

"I don't want to lose you." His voice cracks and so does your heart.

You just wanted some time to think. And you wanted to talk to your mom and Rossi about it.

"You won't baby, I'm not going anywhere. I'll see you tomorrow morning?" You ask.

"You're sure it has to be tomorrow?" There's hope in his voice that you'll change your mind.

"Yes, I need to see my mom. Tomorrow I promise."

"Please let me know when you get home."

"I will. I love you, Aaron." You say firmly, hoping to reassure him.

"I love you." He sounds defeated as he says the words before hanging up.