Retrograde [Completed]

Part 23

I'm...I'm so sorry. Just remember I love you.

__

Today was the dreadful day. You'd be trying to ignore it so that it wouldn't have an affect on you. As soon as you opened your eyes this morning the dread settles into your heart, turning it to stone. Today was you and Tyler's anniversary. This and the day he died were always the worst days of the year. Luckily it was a Sunday and you didn't plan on going to campus. You'd finished all your homework yesterday so you could spend the day drowning in grief.

You've left your room to pee and that's it. You hadn't left your house since Friday and you were wearing the same pjs you'd put on that night. Sid did her best to keep things as light and cheery as possible this weekend but she knew that on today it wouldn't matter. You're laying in your bed, staring at your computer screen. There's a video of you and Tyler playing on a loop. He'd insisted on filming your anniversary dates. This was the most recent, the two of had gotten dinner downtown and gone up in the Arch. Tears are streaming down your face and you reaching out towards the screen to touch the image of him.

You hated this day. You hated feeling like this. You hated grief and death and loss and everything that came with it.

Your phone rings; Hotch. You had avoided all his calls since the last time you spoken with him. You didn't want him to be alarmed so you quickly wipe away your tears and answer.

"Hi." Your voice is soft and thick with the tears.

"What's wrong?" He skips formalities.

"It's a bad day." Your answer is simple. It was a really bad day.

"Talk to me, baby." And despite your sadness you heart still flutters at his use of term of endearment.

"It's our anniversary." You choke out, tears falling out of your eyes again.

"Aisha, please let me come over." He pleads and you shake your head as if he can see you.

"I just need to do this by myself. I don't want you to see me like this." He'd seen you too vulnerable before and you never wanted that to happen again. You didn't want to be fully seen by him.

"I want to be there for you. You shouldn't have to do this alone."

"I'll be fine, I always have been." You reason letting out a dry laugh.

"I care about you." He says firmly.

"Care less."

"Aisha-"

"I'll see you tomorrow, Aaron." You don't let him respond, hanging up.

You slam the computer screen shut and turn over in your bed, the tears starting up all over again. You cry for an undetermined amount of time. Your phone buzzes periodically but you just let it ring, not caring who it is or what they want. Logan had a special ringer in case anything happened with your mother and so far you hadn't heard it.

The subtle light that was pouring into your room fades into darkness so you know that you've wasted away the whole day. You hear some commotion outside and figure that Sidney got tired of being alone and invited Mandy over. The next thing you know your door is flying open, Hotch standing in the frame. You stand up out of your bed, wiping your face, sniffling. He walks towards you, his hands all over you, making sure you're okay.

"I tried to stop him." Sid looks extremely annoyed.

"It's fine, it's okay." You look over Hotch's shoulder and see that her eyes are full of worry. "It's okay." You say again and she nods.

"Call me if you need me." She slams the door behind her.

You look up at him and start to say, "What the hell-"

He lips are on yours before you can finish asking him what he's doing here. He's kissing you like his life depends on it, like something's happened and your heart drops into your stomach. Pulling back you look at him with concern.

"Aaron, what's wrong? Did something happened with Hayley?" You're trying to make eye contact with him but he's avoiding it.

"No, I just... I know you're scared but I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of pretending." He looks like he's going to throw up.

"Oh, god, Aaron don't. Don't ruin this for us." You start shaking your head at him. He takes a step toward you and you take one back. It's like that first day in his office all over again, except this time it means so much more.

"You've been avoiding me and I know it's because of what I said in the car that day and the anniversary and all the feelings that come with it. But, you can't avoid this forever." He takes both to your hands in his. You look down at them as he weaves his fingers through yours.

"Aaron, please, I'm begging you. Don't do this." You plead desperately.

"Aisha, I'm so in love with you it hurts. I've tried and tried, to deny how I feel about you and I just can't do this anymore." His professes it passionately and you feel your heart breaking into a thousand pieces. You couldn't do this. Not with him, not with anyone, and not today of all days.

"Please, Aaron. Please." You squeeze his hands, hoping that he'll take it back.

"I know you feel the same way, I know that you're in love with me. We wouldn't still be doing this if that weren't true, and you know it."

"I can't be in love with you in the way you want me to. Part of me will always love him." You voice is barely above a whisper.

"And that means you can't love me? That's bullshit and you know it."

"I can't, Aaron, I'm sorry. This has gone too far. We should've ended this sooner."

He gapes at you for a moment before asking, "Can't or won't?"

"Can't. You think I wanted this?" You ask incredulously.

"Tyler wouldn't want you to hold yourself back from love." He says it as if it's a fact and you glare at him.

"Don't talk about him like you know him!"

"I think you're scared to love someone as much as you loved him. And now you're running."

"Or maybe I was trying to save you from realizing that I can never love you the way I love him!"

"If you're trying to push me away, if you're trying to ruin this, you're coming really close Aisha." He responds, his voice ice cold.

"Good. I don't need this anyway. I don't need to be in a relationship with a sad, damaged man." You spit, narrowing your eyes at him.

"As if I'm the only one in this relationship who's sad and damaged." He says bitterly.

"I can't do this."

"Because you're being a fucking coward!"

"Screw you, Aaron."

"You already did."

"Get out." You open the door to your bedroom and for a moment he looks at you in disbelief.

"Gladly." He walks out of your room and swiftly slams the front door on his way out of the apartment.

"Fuck you!" You shout after him through the closed door. You lean against the door, your head in your hands as you begin the cry.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Come here, honey." Sid is at your side, pulling you into a hug and all you can do is fall to the ground, sobbing in her arms.