Asher's POV
I looked outside my window and saw that the clouds were feeling my exact emotions: heavy and grey.
It had been ten days and today was the first time I had any motivation to stand on my two feet and it wasn’t a kind of motive I would want.
As I stared back at the storm clouds and listened to the forceful winds, I realized this might be the answer to my one question about funerals;
Every movie I watched, it was always pouring and I wondered if that was just for the cinematic feel or if the weather truly shifted with the emotions in the air.
It made sense that it would be raining down today; quite ironically, Raine was such an intense person that I loved calling her Stormy.
No, I don’t think I’m ready for this but at the same time I don’t think saying goodbye to someone you love is something you’ll ever be ready for; but it's today and for her I am not only going to be real, I am going to be strong;
I refuse to miss the opportunity to tell everyone how amazing, complicated and unique she was.
Storms if you’re here right now, please know that I miss you.
I heard a soft knock on my door and I stumbled back, but I knew who it was.
I smiled grimly at my mum’s blond hair poking in through the slightly ajar door “Hey mum”.
She replied with a nervous smile “Hi Asher, did I startle you? Should I come back later?”
I shook my head “No mum, it's fine what’s up?”
I was careful enough to maintain a more guarded approach, my mum had been walking on eggshells around me since the incident and I know she’s ready to let me coop up here through the funeral if I show even an inch of uncertainty.
Though I’m pretty sure its guilt from how it all happened, how her dislike for Raine came into play with her death.
She walked into the room and pulled me to the bed with her
“Well I just wanted to check on you, it’s a big day and honey if this is too much just say the word and-”
I snorted and pushed out of the bed in frustration “You’ll what? Let me stay here and wallow in my own sorrow some more? It’s her funeral mum, Raine’s funeral; or are you still pretending you don’t know what she means to me?”
My back was turned to her and yet I could feel the tension and guilt rolling off her in waves.
That’s what made me so mad, I don’t want her to feel guilty. I don’t need her guilt and it isn’t going to bring Raine back or change what happened- what I do need is at least a sliver of empathy and at this point I’d even take pity.
I just want her to care that I- her son, have just lost the love of my life and not just feeling bad and trying to atone for the part she played in it.
I heard her stand and clear her throat “I also wanted to let you know Alistair’s around. Do you want him to come up or are you coming down? We could have breakfast together”
I snorted internally, she still doesn’t get it . I let out a deep sigh “Let him come up, I’m not in the mood to eat anything anyways”
I heard her shaky breaths before she finally replied “Right, of course. I’ll send him up”.
I stumbled back into the bed with my head in my palms.
I didn’t know how much more of my mum’s tip toeing I could handle and I’m honestly tired of being angry at her but I can’t stop because she refuses to listen and this is the only way I know how to reach her.
“Knock knock”
I looked up and saw Alistair looking extremely sober.
I groaned “not you too, if there was anyone I could trust to not act like I’m about to jump out the window at the wrong word, it would be you. So if you’re about to walk in circles like the rest of them you can just leave”
At my words Alistair gasped, loudly “well excuse me for trying to offer my best friend some sympathy solidarity. Besides today’s a funeral Ash if I was smiling I’d be a sociopath” he finished folding his arms staring at the door frame with a mock serious expression.
I raised an eyebrow “You threw the biggest party of the year on your mum’s funeral day and it was themed nightwalkers ”
His face scrunched up “Well excuse me for wanting to celebrate the end of a very long, well lived life and besides I hated the judgemental abusive bitch …this is different ”
I froze at the incredibly somber tone, you knew life was really throwing you a curveball when Alistair got serious “Yeah whatever, just sit or leave. You’re making me nervous with all that standing”.
He pulled revolving seat from my desk and plopped down in front of me “I saw how your mum looked when she came back down, today’s probably the first time you too have made any contact in weeks given that you’ve been locked in here all through- Asher did you even look at her?”
I scoffed “I haven’t come out but did she come in?”
He shook his head “Asher you know what happened, you know she feels horrible-”
I growled and stood up walking back towards the window so he wouldn’t see the tears threatening to drop
“That’s the problem Al; Guilt is all she feels. You said you came to offer sympathy solidarity- well you’re the first one in this house to even say anything remotely related to those words and mean it. She doesn’t really care that Raine’s dead or how much shit this is causing me, she just cares that I don’t hate her for what happened; she just wants me to ease her mind. I’m the one in pain and she wants me to make it easier”
By now I could no longer control the tears and I was sure he could hear it in my voice because he moved towards me but I wasn’t done.
“She wants me to make it easier but I won’t. If she wants to go on acting like this, hoping avoiding the topic or staying away from me or letting me do what I want is going to get me to forgive her quicker she can and when she’s ready to be a real parent I’ll be here but I’m not going to make it easier for her, so don’t even ask”
He sighed “I wasn’t going to. I just need you to know Ash your life wasn’t the only one changed by what happened that night; Remember that”
He stepped back “I’ll go get you some food” I heard the door close and my head dropped.
I know he’s right but I also know my life changed the moment Raine came into it and it changed again when she left it that night and I am having a really horrible time trying to reconcile and piece together which remainder of those two lives I’m currently living now.
YOU ARE READING
Asher (Completed)
General FictionAsher has been caught up by his grief and guilt over a terrible loss. Will an old friend Alistair be able to save him and push him to start leaving again? Or will Alistair lose Asher to the grief and reminders of his past?
