Asher (Completed)

Breathless

Asher's POV


I tied the rocks to my feet as I felt the cold air on the hot tears that streamed down my face. 

Yet the pain my heart felt was not enough to quell the call of the ocean waves which crashed repeatedly around my feet, closer and harder each time, as if to make my decision for me, as if it could no longer contain its eagerness to pull me under. 

I tied the rocks to my feet, yet a part of me wanted to fight it, the dark craving to be swept up with the ocean, pulled down and drowned under until its salt water replaced all the air in my lungs, but then in the echoes of ocean waves, I heard her voice, it was different this time, it wasn’t angry, it was calm. 

Her voice called to me, her soothing tone drew me in from beneath the noise of the ocean, she told me this was the only way, she told me here there was no pain, there was no doubts, she told me here I would no longer feel the weight of my guilt and grief, she told me the waves would wash me clean and then she told me this is what I deserved, but at least this way we would no longer be alone, at least this way we would be together and is that not what I wanted? Had I forgotten about her so easily? Had I forgotten that I was the reason she was alone.

This is what I deserve, I agreed. I was the reason she was gone, I was the reason she was alone, I could not forget about her, I should never forget — This is what I deserve — so I stepped forward and I let the waves pull me under until its salt water swallowed up all the air in my lungs and I was left completely breathless. 

I woke up crying, gasping for air and I kept taking it all in like it still wasn’t enough and I still couldn’t catch a breath.

Through the haze of the panic I felt, I saw Alistair waking up and realizing what was going on, I wanted to call out to him but I couldn’t stop crying and I still felt breathless.

I saw him turn towards me but he didn’t make a move to touch me yet, and then I heard his voice “Ash, nod if you hear me”, I nodded back in response fervently. 

He released a sigh of relief before he went on calmly, “Ash, can I hold you?”, 

I didn't even need to think about this, once again this week, my body just did not feel like my own , I seemed to have no control over my tears, heart or lungs and I decided I needed  someone to ground me, so I nodded. 

He wasted no time before he gently pulled me into his arms and let my head lay on his chest, so close that I could hear the steady beating of his heart and it gave me something to focus on instead of the constant feeling that my lungs were simply not functioning. 

He spoke again as calmly as he had before and I tuned in to the cool tone of his voice, “Ash, I want you to try to breathe with me”, I nodded back in response and began to follow the pattern of his breathing, inhaling and exhaling exactly as he did. 

Slowly his unvarying heart beat and the steadiness of every measured breath he took anchored me and after a while I realised the tears had stopped and my lungs no longer felt empty of air, I could even feel Alistair running his fingers lightly down my right arm; my body felt like my own again.

I sunk deeper into his hold, I just wanted to hold on to the silent calm for a bit longer before he finally asked what I knew he would. It took about ten more minutes of the silence before he finally cracked and asked “Were you drowning again Ash?”

I couldn’t help but release a dry laugh as I responded “Yeah, just figuratively and literally”. 

He released a tired sigh at my reply, and I wished I could help how much that broke my heart, but I couldn’t and so I said “I’m sorry Ash. You don’t need this. I’m sorry I’m so much work now. This isn’t the Ash you fell in love with huh?”

He gave my hand a squeeze at my words before simply saying “No, it isn’t, it's just a part of him. 

The Ash I love is so much more than his grief and pain, none of which he should be apologizing for, none of which make him broken or “work”; they just make him human”. 

I sighed back, choosing to give that as my response because I was too tired to argue that I should be stronger than this, and that I was broken and now instead of being with someone who could make him happy, he has to deal with helping my broken self through nightmares and panic attacks. 

He pushed my phone and earphones into my hands as he probably sensed my tiredness from the slacking of my shoulders; he had played back the paused song he had recorded for me to listen to tonight, before he asked “Do you want to try sleeping again?”

I nodded, taking the phone from his hands and placing the buds of the earphones into my ears, then with me still in his arms he laid back down. 

I drifted off to sleep to the sounds of a favourite from one of Al’s original pieces, as I curled deeper into his arms that I found I could no longer seem to sleep without this week. 

ALISTAIR’S POV

I groaned, rubbing my fingertips into my temples, trying to calm the worry raging beneath them. 

After a while of unsuccessfully trying to mediate the head pounding headache that came with the worry, I slammed my hands down on the wooden dining table in frustration. 

I was really worried about him

It hurt even more because I felt my simple existence was the cause of everything; the nightmares returning in full fledge. 

It had started up a week after the entire ordeal with Ian and the book and him confessing to me. 

The day after Layanne came over, he called Ian and reassured him everything was fine and said he’d decided to go on with the book and he wanted to release a statement to his fans explaining that the book release was meant to be a surprise drop and it would answer a lot of the questions they had about his life before; 

Ian was definitely pleasantly shocked and more than ready to get back to work immediately, but Ash said he just wanted a week off first before starting up again. 

Ian in his will to make sure Ash was comfortable enough to finish the book agreed;