Suicidal

Chapter 7: Harry's POV

We drive home and when we get there, AJ forces me to eat. Of course, when I say I have to go to the loo, I just stick my fingers down my throat and throw up all the food I ate. I don't need to gain any weight; I'm so fat already. So fat and ugly. Why do people tell me I'm deathly skinny. Liars. Everyone lies to me. Except One Direction. They may hate me, but at least they're honest. I wish AJ could break up with me so I could kill myself. Of course all the times I've tried to kill myself, she stopped me. These are the ways I've tried to kill myself.
Jumping in front of a bus (3 times)
Taking an overload of pills (4 times)
Hanging myself (8 times)
Drowning myself (2 times)
Starving myself (for 3 years)
Jumping off a building (7 times)
Drinking something poisonous (4 times)
Over all the 4 1/2 years we've dated, I've tried to kill myself 28 times but AJ stopped me. All those times, she seemed sad. She always had tears in her eyes when she saw me, trying to die. I don't know why, maybe she really does love me, however messed up I am. I don't understand how someone as beautiful as AJ can love someone as ugly as me. I don't know why she even bothers with me anymore. I don't even care about anything anymore, except what people think of me. I cut myself, because of course everyone hates me, I don't even like myself. Why in the world does AJ like me? I decide to end it all. AJ is downstairs and she thinks I'm sleeping, so I'm just going to kill myself right now. I'll just leave AJ a little note. God, I love her. I just hope she can find someone better than me. Someone who isn't all messed up and suicidal like me. I take the razor off the bathroom counter and slice it into my skin again. I'm going to just cut myself all over so I'll bleed to death. If that doesn't work, I'll just drink something poisonous and that'll kill me. I begin cutting my arm, then I hear AJ walk upstairs.
"Harry? Where are you, my little cupcake?" She asks. I don't respond. I try to stay quiet but I accidentally let out a sharp cry of pain while I'm making the final cut.
"Harry?!" AJ sounds scared.
"Go-go away...." I feel dizzy. AJ unlocks the door and finds me lying on the bathroom floor, covered in blood.
"Harry! No.... You didn't.... Why?...." I hear her say. Suddenly, the whole world goes black. I wake up in a hospital.
"AJ?" I ask. AJ is sitting in a chair a few feet away from me. It looks like she's been crying.
"Harry! Oh Harry," she says, sounding relieved, "I thought you were going to leave me..... Forever.."
"I-I'm sorry..... I just-the hate-It's-I'm..... I'm sorry......" By now I'm sobbing.
"Harry, I know. I know you didn't want to kill yourself because of me. Right?" She asks.
"R-right." I say.
"But Harry.... Why did you do it?" She asks more seriously.
"I-I don't know..... I just wanted to die.... I still do...."
"But Haz, why?"
"The hate.... I can't take it. It's so hard, AJ. So hard and they keep pushing. They tell me I'm fat and ugly, they tell me everyone hates me, they tell me I deserve to die. It's all true, AJ. No one likes me; I don't even like myself. The only person who even remotely likes me is you. They call me a manwhore, I don't even date any girls anymore! No girls like me-except you. I deserve to die, I'm worthless, I'm fat, I'm ugly. Just please, leave me to die. I want to die!" I scream.
"Harry...." AJ is crying by now as well. The doctor walks in.
"I hate to see him like this.... Is there anything you can do? Anything to make him not hate himself anymore? Please..... It breaks my heart to see Harry like this...." AJ tells her.
"Sorry, that isn't possible. He's gotten worse since the last time something like this happened.... I'm afraid we can't do anything to help him." The doctor says.
"I-it's okay...." AJ says in a small, nervous voice. I feel so bad for her. Maybe she really loves me. I wish she didn't love me, though. So she wouldn't have to deal with this Harry, the same Harry who wants to die, the suicidal, messed up Harry.