The Shadow of Our Past

Jess

I barely recognize the tired eyes that stare back at me from the mirror. They're still swollen from my endless crying the night before and bags are beginning to form under them from lack of sleep. My nightmares have been haunting me relentlessly the last two nights, but now they're different.

Instead of horrifying memories, I see Ben in my dreams. The same thing happens each time: He kisses my knuckles with soft lips, then lets my hand go. I watch each time as his passionate and gentle eyes turn furious, unforgiving and hateful as he looks at me. He walks away without a word into a mist, not turning around or even pausing while I scream from him to come back. Then I'm left alone to cry, sobbing his name as if that will bring him back. I wake up with tears falling from my eyes and soaking into the pillow my arms cling onto every time.

I sigh, turning the faucet of my bathroom on and cup my hands under it. My hands jerk up to splash the collected water onto my face, then wipe it off with a towel. I feel disgusting. The last three days have consisted of waking up, sitting in bed, calling Jess and wasting my time watching some cheesy drama series on my laptop. Jess insisted that she's going to come over today, telling me she needed to talk about something. As much as I don't want anyone to see me in this state at all, I need Jess now more than ever.

I try to clean myself up with a cold shower, washing my hair multiple times over. Turning off the water, I feel slightly better being clean. After drying off, I slip on a freshly washed, gray tank top and black sweatpants. I yank the knots out of my wet hair with my brush, then throw it carelessly into a messy bun.

I make my way out to the living room, spotting my mom focusing on a pan full of eggs. Ever since she came home the night Ben left, she's been taking care of me as if I'm five again. I haven't told her the full story yet, but she understands not everything is easy to tell people, even your own mother. I explained everything to Jess over the phone, feeling as if she deserved to know.

My mind is still reeling, confused and shaken even after three days of being away from Ben. I still want him by my side as bad as I did before he left, but I can't help being upset at him. His decision to push me away isn't going to deter me, I'm not letting go that easily. My wounds are now open and bleeding and I can't just sew them back up again without facing the person who gave them to me. And I need Ben alongside me when I do see his dad again to be my solid ground.

In the last three days, I've been planning what I would say, what I would do if I would ever talk to Ben again. I want so badly to go up to his door and seek him out, my mind screaming for the comfort he brings. I'm beginning to think I might just give in and go see him. Even if he would push me away again, I would be content just seeing his emotion filled eyes again and hearing his deep, rumbly voice.

I approach the counter across from the stove, leaning on it with one hand. "Hey mom," I greet, catching her attention. She sets her spatula down and turns to face me. She flashes me a worried smile, cupping my hand in both of hers.

"I called in to your school and work for you, but I think you should try going tomorrow," she says, "and Jess called to tell me she is gonna be dropping by sometime soon." I nod, shifting to sit on one of the bar stools.

"Yeah I know, she has something to tell me I guess. She wants to say it in person." My mom shrugs, turning to the pan and pushing the eggs around once more. I sit in silence, becoming undeniably hungry at the growing smell of breakfast. After another few minutes of stirring, she places the eggs on two plates and pulls a baking sheet full of bacon out of the oven. Once everything is plated, she pours two cups of coffee and places one in front of me along with a plate. I wrap my hands around the soothingly warm mug, taking a sip and humming at the familiar taste. I set it down to start on my eggs, hoping to subside the growing pain in my stomach. I've been neglecting my basic needs, skipping out on meals and not drinking enough water. That, combined with my lack of sleep is beginning to take a large toll on my body.