The Shadow of Our Past

Action and Reaction

"Do you have to leave?" Abby whines, pulling on my hand to keep me from clocking out. I laugh while pulling her with me to the back area of the shop. She doesn't let up, so I drag her all the way to the punch clock. With Abby still pulling on my sleeve, I clock out. When the confirmation that I'm officially off work for the day shows up on the screen, Abby sighs in defeat.

"I have stuff I need to do today, otherwise I would stay for another hour." A bolt of nervous energy hits me like lightning and my smile fades. I've been thinking about returning to Ben's old house all day with a pit of dread sitting in my stomach and making me feel sick.

Abby seems to see the change in my demeanor and her hand loosens its grip on mine. "I'm guessing by the look on your face it's nothing you're too excited to do?" she says in a sympathy stricken tone and I nod. Her lips purse in understanding and she pulls me in for a quick hug. "Well then good luck." A friendly hand pats my back and she lets go of me. We walk out of the back room and are greeted by a rather large line. Abby scampers over to the register, throwing a quick goodbye behind her back and beginning to take orders.

I laugh and shake my head, but my gut is twisting uncomfortably. I escape from the back of the counter and sneak past the line, eyeing my car through the window with something like worry. The bell chimes loudly above me as I swing the door open. A waft of heat stricken air greets me as I exit the shop. I take shallow steps down the sidewalk while my hands fiddle with my keys. When I get to my car, my hand hesitates on the handle of the driver side door. Is this really the right thing to do?

The worry is pushed away in favor of climbing into my car. I tell myself that this will be quick and easy, but my stomach only knots further as I pull out of my parking spot. My fingers tap against the stick shift and my breathing is labored. Bile rises to my throat with my rapidly increasing anxiety and my fingers grip the steering wheel so hard the pads of my fingers turn white. With every passing minute in the car my heart rate rises. By the time I turn onto the street of the house I can barely think straight.

My eyes scan over the parking spaces next to the house, but there's no cars. The house looks lifeless, and my fears are soothed if only for a moment. With a breath of relief, I pull my car up to the walkway that leads to the house and park. My hand runs over my mouth, then falls onto my lap with a smack. I let my head lull back and hit the seat. While studying the ceiling of my car, I take a few breaths in and out and clutch the side of my seat with white knuckles.

My other hand reaches for the door handle blindly, fingers wrapping around its cool metal. I sit forward again with my hand halfway through pulling the handle out. My hand pushes the door open without thinking and I steadily rise from the car. I flick the door closed and I look over my car at the daunting house in front of me. My resolve is stone and for a moment everything is still. The small noises of far away traffic fade out, and I'm stuck in a void for a few seconds. My focus returns to the house, my mind now hyper-aware of every small sensation. With measured steps my feet guide me around the car and onto the walkway. I feel every small breeze and pebble under my foot, but somehow my eyes don't fully take in the door that I'm rapidly approaching. My buckled knees are forced to bend and climb the stairs, each step requiring a deep breath.

I stand in silence for a moment, listening for any sound of life within the house. My ears ring with the silence and I lock my eyes on the door handle. It takes another minute of contemplation to finally rest my hand on the handle and another to push the door open. The creaking of the rusty hinges is almost deafening in the dead silence of the house. A blast of stuffy air and dust wafts out of the house and into the fresh outside air. I inhale, then cough into my shirt and try to breathe in again. When my lungs finally adjust to the terrible quality of the air and musty smell, I raise my head again.