Overwhelmed

a black room

Clay's POV

As I walk away from her house, I can't help but feel angry. Except, I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at myself. She was finally ready. She wanted to talk. How could I have messed that up? I walk for a while, but it hurts too much. I just want to hug her and tell her it's all gonna be alright.

But she doesn't want me to.

At this realization, my legs seem to collapse under me. I sit on the sidewalk and let the tears fall. I've lost her and it's all my fault. Suddenly, my mind is brought back to an earlier conversation we had.

Do you wanna talk or just relax? I had asked

I don't know what to talk about, Clay.

Tell me how you're feeling.

I wish I were dead too.

Those words scared me so bad. The thought of losing her made me lose my breath. She really was my Thomas. Even though I hadn't figured out my feelings for her yet, I still knew that she meant the world to me. 

After a few minutes, my tears begin to dry. My heart still aches for her. But it was her final decision. I have to respect that. But I can't. Those words bounce around in my head.

"I wish I were dead too," I whisper aloud. Suddenly, I'm up on my feet sprinting for her house. My gut twists violently within me and my brain is on autopilot. She's gonna do it. I just know it. As I approach her door, I notice it's wide open rather than locked tightly.

I call her name a few times before completely panicking. "Y/N?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I scream, searching her home, hoping I'm not too late. No response. In her bedroom, I notice the bathroom door is shut. Behind it, I hear water running, but nothing else. 

I try the handle a couple times, but it's locked. There's also no response when I knock harshly. I know she has to be in there. "OPEN THE DOOR, Y/N!" When she still doesn't respond, I just break the door down. My heart stops at the scene before me. There she is, under the water, passed out. Thankfully, my fight or flight instinct kicks in and I immediately pull her out of the cold bath. 

I barely remember CPR, but I try my hardest, pumping her heart to what I think is the right beat. Nothing. I try breathing into her mouth. Somewhere in between pumps, I call 911 and frantically explain the situation. An ambulance is on its way, but I don't know if it will make it in time. I don't know when I started crying again, but the frantic tears fall onto her face. 

I continue trying to perform CPR on y/n, but I'm losing hope. After what feels like forever, paramedics arrive and take over. They lift her limp body onto a stretcher and whisk her out of the house. It's only as they load her into an ambulance that I notice she's wearing my sweatshirt.

A police officer has to write a report before I can leave, but he makes it as quick as possible. Once he's gotten my entire story, he offers to drive me to the hospital. I let him, not feeling confident in my own ability to control a car. On the way, I make sure to contact y/n's parents and tell them what's going on. They deserve to know.

Once in the hospital, the nurse tells me that she's in some sort of surgery. All I can do is wait. So, I settle in a hallway chair and begin the most torturous hours of my life. 

Y/n's POV

This can't be death. I thought Thomas would be here to take me... wherever dead people go. But he left once Clay came into my visions. All I feel is blackness. I hear nothing, I see nothing, I am nothing. Occasionally, a light will flash or a small noise will emerge from the darkness, but other than that, I'm alone. 

Moo? Why are you here? Thomas is back, but his voice is more gentle now.

What do you mean? You told me to meet you here.

No I didn't, moo. You don't belong here yet.

But I- you said this was the right way.

You made me up, y/n.

No I didn't. I didn't even want you there.

It was the easy way out. I can understand why you wanted to choose it.

But I didn't! I swear, Thomas. You told me to!

Clay misses you, moo.

No he doesn't, Thomas. I was a burden. You said so yourself. 

I would never say that. I love you, y/n. Always have. Always will.

Even though I didn't save you?

What? Y/n, that wasn't your fault. It was my time to go. There's nothing you could have done to change that. I'm so sorry you thought differently.

What do I do? I find myself asking the same question I had asked earlier, hoping for a better answer than fake-Tom had given me. 

Wake up.

How?

Just do it.

I don't want to leave you, though. I missed you.

Oh, but moo... There's so much more for you to live for. The olympics, your parents, Clay. My heart aches for his arms around me once again. I know you love him. He loves you too. You just have to accept it.

But what about you?

I'll be okay. I'd rather you go back out into the world. Just keep me in mind.

I could never forget you, Tom.

I know, babe.

I love you.

I love you, moo. Now wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP!

My eyes shoot open with a new energy. Surrounding me is a team of doctors, each of which has a relieved look on their face. "She's awake." I'm awake.

The next hour of my life is a confusing blur of sleeping and waking. Eventually, I'm brought back to a small white room and laid on a soft mattress. Outside my door, I hear a couple people talking.

"Please let me see her."

"I don't know if she's ready for visitors yet sir."

"You don't understand. I have to see her. The last time I saw her face she was-" The voice pauses.

A sigh. "Alright. But if she requests you leave, we'll have to respect her wishes."

"Thank you so much." As my door creaks open, I quickly slam my eyes shut, and freeze in the cold sheets. "Moo? It's Clay."

I open my eyes, but don't respond, too scared that I'll mess it up.

"Look, I know you said we're done, but I- please just give me one more chance. I just want to be a friend for you. And you don't even have to-"

"I love you too, Clay," I whisper.

To be continued...