Overwhelmed

a friend

!!TW: mention of an eating disorder and depression!!

A few days go by with no one bothering me. I lay in my bed. I watch the sun rise. I stare at my ceiling. I cry. My mom leaves food on my bed stand. I read through the texts from Clay. I don't text anyone back. I watch the sun go down. My dad takes the untouched food from my room. I try to sleep and fail, just to restart the cycle.

I know it's Wednesday now, but I still don't want to get up. My mom sits next to me on my bed and coaxes some breakfast down. It's the first I've eaten in days. "Do you still want to go?"

"Yeah," I croak, my throat sore from a lack of use. "And talk. I'm ready to talk."

"Okay sweetheart, but just know they won't be upset if you decide to back out. We all just want what's best for you."

"Thank you," I whisper, finally standing up from my crinkled sheets. Showering actually feels really good after being so dirty. My dad weaves my hair back into a small bun, simple but effective. I slip on one of my mom's black dresses since I hadn't packed one... I guess I didn't anticipate needing it.

The car ride is silent. No one says a single word to me and I don't say a word to them. We help prepare for the funeral for about an hour before people begin to arrive. The shear number of familiar faces is enough to send me hiding. I excuse myself to sit outside for a few minutes until people are done socializing.

My mom comes to get me when it's time to begin. They had an open casket, but I refused to look until now. It didn't feel right-- seeing him without a smile or a grin. His face was pale and cake with makeup to cover the bruising. The introduction went by quickly and soon it was my turn to speak. I gently cleared my throat before stepping up to the front.

"Hi, most of you have probably met me at some point in your life, but if you haven't, my name is y/n y/l/n." I pause, taking a deep breath. "Thomas was my best friend. We were inseparable. There wasn't a single thing in either of our lives that we didn't go through together." It feels so wrong talking in the past tense. He can't really be gone.

"Thomas was there through thick and thin. We told each other our secrets, our pains, and our successes. But that's fairly typical in a friendship like ours. We were different, though, because I knew Thomas would always be there." Tears start to fill my throat and I consider stepping down. I can't, though. "And I know Tom will still be with me now. He didn't believe much in heaven, but let me tell you he'll find a way to follow me around for as long as he can: even if that means he has to haunt me as a ghost." A few laughs. I wasn't trying to be funny.

"I guess I don't really know what else to say... It feels like there have to be a thousand different ways to express my emotions... but really I can't." I grow quiet now, barely containing to tears to my eyes. 

"I-i remember so many things we did together when we were younger, but-" Something catches in my throat as I realize how many things we'll never do again. "I only regret not being there to say goodbye... I'm sorry," I step away, sitting back down in my seat. Tom's mother talks for a while as do a few other family members and his s/o, but I can't stop thinking of all my regrets.

I wasn't even there to hold his hand. 

The funeral ends eventually, I guess. Everyone eats together, but I just sit outside in the cold breeze. I guess I should check on my phone... It's been a while since I responded to anyone.

green bitch
hey! How are things going??
y/n?

it's okay if you aren't ready to talk
i'll be here whenever

hey i'm getting kinda worried
did that treatment work?
moo, please talk to me

i wanna respect your boundaries, but you can't
just shut me out...
moo please

i heard from your mom y/n
please, i just want to help you
i'm so sorry
this isn't your fault though
pls don't start thinking about the what ifs

your mom said you aren't doing well, y/n
she said you aren't eating either.
do you want me to come?
[message deleted]
c'mon please just answer me

i know you're in so much pain moo, but you
can't make yourself suffer through it alone...

I don't need to be your person if that isn't
what you want, but you need to talk to someone.
please.

good morning
i'm still here if you need

hey

He reads my message almost immediately. I close my phone and lean back against the wall. He's just trying to help you. You can accept his help, I think to myself, picking my phone up once again.

green bitch

hey

hi, how are you doing?

i'm okay

please don't lie to me moo
we can talk about it

seriously. the funeral is over
i'll be okay

you don't have to be okay.
are you coming back to florida?

yeah i'll be back in a couple days
i still have swim and prelims are soon.

i'm sure they'll understand if you need more time.
just take a few more days off

i'm going
this is important to me

okay, i'm sorry
do you wanna talk about something else?

not really

okay...
i love you

My eyes widen at the words on my screen. Even my sad heart feels a couple butterflies, but they're murdered by the imminent sadness that comes back the second I remember where I am. I glance back down at my phone.

[message deleted]
sorry, typo

A typo. That's all. I shove my phone into my pocket and wander back into the building where everyone is eating. The sound of laughter throws me off. How can they laugh in a time like this?! Thomas is worth more than that. He- he... My thoughts trail off as tears come once again. 

At that moment, my dad walks out and sees me in the hall, crying. He wraps me in his arms and stroke my hair. "Do you want to go home?" I nod into his chest.

My mom stays to help clean up and my dad will come back later. The car ride is silent once again, so I flip on the radio and turn it up lightly. "You know, that boy of yours is really concerned, moo. He called your mother and I every day this week to check on you."

I sighed. Where did he even get their numbers? "I know, dad. I don't really wanna talk about that right now, though."

"Alright honey. But I think he could be a really good friend for you." Wow. Already trying to replace Thomas. I can't do that. No one can possibly be what Tom was for me. Not clay, not my parents, no one.

"Why do you think I need a new friend? My old one is perfectly fine." Even as the words come out of my mouth, I taste the sarcasm and guilt rises in my chest. My dad sighs, keeping his eyes on the road. 

Great. I already made them take care of me for days with no response or thanks and now I'm being mean?! Why am I even here? It's not their fault. It wasn't their job to watch over Tom. The pain in my dad's eyes is what hurts the most.

So, I pull out my phone, ignoring the texts from Clay, Nick, George, and several other concerned friends and open the airlines app.

Your flight has been scheduled for Tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. Click here to confirm

Well Clay... I'm coming back. Hope you're happy.

To be continued...