Overwhelmed

voicemails

On the drive home, I listen to music for the first time in a while. The excitement and adrenaline from swimming shield my mind from thoughts of Thomas. "Falling for U" by mxmtoon calms my heart rate to its beat. My house looks the same as usual, but now it holds new potential. This is the house of a future olympic swimmer, I think to myself.

My mood drops a bit when I see the condition of my home. I knew it was messy, but this has become a depression cave. Refusing to let my adrenaline go to waste, I begin picking things up, moving across the living room first. 

I only stop when I hear my phone ring. It's my parents. 

One incoming Facetime from mother dearest

Without thinking, I answer for the first time in a month. 

"Y/n? Oh my god, I'm so glad you're okay. Charles! Come here! Y/n answered!!" Guilt sets in at her excitement. What was I thinking? They didn't want to get rid of me. They just wanted to help. I wish I hadn't shut them out when we were all struggling. 

"Moo! It's so nice to see you, Love! I've missed you."

"It's amazing to see you guys too," I admit. "I'm so sorry I haven't called. I just- I think I just needed some time to myself... To figure it out."

"We know, dear. We're just glad you're okay. And OH MY WORD YOU DID SO WELL!!! YOU'RE GOING TO THE OLYMPICS!!!" my dad shouts. We all celebrate for a few minutes, dancing in the camera and laughing together. It feels so nice to smile.

"Hey... not to be a debbie downer or anything, but I was wondering how things are with Clay. You guys seemed like you were getting along so well when we came, but I hadn't heard anything." Tears well up in my eyes and disappointment sets in. Clay. What did I do.

"I- uh..." I start, but fade off, my stomach flipping violently.

"You should call him, hun."

"I should..."

"It's up to you, moo. We're always here to talk."

"Thank you," I whisper. "I guess I'm gonna go then... I love you guys." They both tell me how much they love me once again then hang up. My screen turns black.

You should call him.

I should.

I open the phone app and scroll down his voicemails, counting them. 25. It takes so much energy to choose the first one. 

1) "Hey y/n. Uh, call me back if you get the chance. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean to impede or make you uncomfortable... Just let me know how you are."

2) "Yeah... I know you're ignoring me now. It's okay, though. I get it. I'm not angry. Please just call me back."

3) "It's been a couple days, just thought I'd check up. Uh, I'm still open to talk whenever you're ready. Yeah, goodbye moo."

4) "I don't know if you even listen to these, honestly. But, uh, I'm just hoping your practices are going well. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

5) "I'm sorry y/n... I really need to talk to you. You can't just keep hurting yourself. I want to be there for you. So do your parents. I- I'm begging you. Just answer my calls."

6) "It rained today. Made me think about you. Remember when you tried to teach me how to make soft pretzels that one day that it poured? Maybe we could do that again?"

7) "Did you see the sunset last night? It was so beautiful. Reminded me of you. Sorry, that was cheesy. Shit, I don't think I can remake these! Ugh, okay. Bye."

8) "Hey, I'm on George's stream! Chat says hi!!! Feel free to join if you want to. You don't have to, though. Just letting you know."

9) "I thought I saw you earlier, but it was a girl running and I know how much you hate that. I'm glad I didn't try to say hi and embarrass myself. God, that could have been weird."

10) "Aye! It's the tenth voicemail anniversary. I bought you some chocolate, but I ate it, so looks like you're out of luck... my bad Moo. I'll make it up to you." 

11) "Did you know that the eye of an ostrich is bigger than its brain?! I relate. I've got big eyes, I swear. Like an uwu girl or something. Anyway, I hope you're doing well."

12) "It's raining again. Wanna bake some cookies? My mom asked if you could come over for dinner some time. Drista wants to meet you."

13) "Nick really misses you. I do too. And George. And Karl. And Quackity. And Tubbo. Tommy might, I don't know. Anyway, the SMP is empty without you."

14) "When we first met, I loved your messy bun so much. You had just woke up, but you're always adorable. Sorry, that was random."

15) "Geez, your fans are going crazy. A bunch of them have even started messaging Nick, George, and I. God, I just hope they aren't being brutal in your DMs..."

16) "What kind of flowers do you like? I wanna get some for when you kick ass at Prelims next week. Roses? Daisies? Tulips? I think they're all pretty. Maybe I'll just get some of each."

17) "MCC went well yesterday. I wish you could have been there. I wanna have you on my team, but then we'd be unstoppable."

18) "Prelims in five days, are you nervous? I forgot to get tickets, so I'll just watch the livestream. God, I'm getting nervous for you. I know you'll crush it."

19) "Four days!!! Ahhhh, this is so cool. My family is gonna watch it too. Seriously, my mom is so excited to see you swim."

20) "Three. Freaking. Days. I hope you aren't too nervous. This is what you've been training for, moo. You're amazing. This is gonna be so good."

21) "Hey, I watched your stream last night. I'm sorry about that last dono... Please call if you get the chance. I know you're busy with swim, though."

22) "Oh my word... It's tomorrow, isn't it? Sorry if this makes you stress more. I'll be cheering for your through the screen the entire time y/n."

23) "This is it, moo. I hope you do amazing today, but remember that there's no pressure to make it your first time. There's always gonna be next time."

24) "YESSS MOO!!! YOU CRUSHED THAT FIFTY!!! KEEP GOING WITH THIS ENERGY!! I BARELY EVEN HAD TIME TO THINK BEFORE YOU WERE FINISHED!!"

25) "I am so proud of you y/n. I'm honestly just mind blown at how well you did today. Seriously, that was so impressive. My sister wants to meet you even more now. If you wanna talk, I'm still here. But just know I'm still proud of you."

And that's the end. His voice rings in my head. Tears stream down my face and I listen to each of them a second time. He was here the whole time. Just waiting for me to realize. 

Suddenly, I'm up and running to the door. I don't bother to change or brush my hair. I run. I really run. All the way to his apartment building. Janice rings me up after commenting on how impressed she was at my swimming. I guess Clay really was excited.

I take the stairs three at a time despite my body begging me to slow down. As I reach his door, my hand is ready to knock, but I pull back. Behind that door is Clay. Clay might be mad. Clay might be busy. Clay might not want to see me anymore.

No you idiot. He said he's here for you. He wants you to come see him. He's been begging you to talk to him. I raise my fist to the door.

To be continued...