Overwhelmed

streaming

The next week is torture. Swim practices kick my butt and i'm constantly being swarmed by messages from fans wondering where I am. Some of them are kind and are honestly just concerned, but others get angry and demand I release another video or stream.  It's so tiring that I log out of all my social media accounts for a few days.

Clay calls me at least twice a day and leaves a message when I don't answer. I haven't listened to any of them, but I'm just thankful he hasn't tried to come over. I know this hurts him now, but eventually he'll move on from me and that will be better for the both of us.

Without Clay or minecraft to distract me, I've been able to put my everything into swimming. Hopefully it'll pay off at prelims this weekend because it's definitely taken its toll on me.

I can't say I haven't thought about Thomas at all. Every night has been spent crying, wondering how I could've saved him. If only I had still been in Michigan. If I hadn't left, he probably wouldn't have been in his car that night. My logical brain can point out that it wasn't my fault and that any single change could have resulted in a different outcome, but I refuse to listen.

I've gone over the scenarios in my head, finding every way I could have kept him off the road that night. It's not pleasant, but it keeps me sane.

I'm at the grocery store right now. I didn't really use many of my groceries, but they've all gone bad, so I need to replace them. Lately I just haven't been hungry. Maybe it's Thomas' crash, but I've also been feeling a strange pressure to be in better shape for swim. Hopefully, eating less will help me with that.

As I roam around the isles, I keep an eye out for anyone I know. It'd be just my luck that Clay would show up here the one time I'm out. Thankfully, I make it through the trip without seeing him. When I get home, I grab a glass of water and an apple and sit at my desk.

My computer takes a little longer to boot up since it's been so long, but eventually it's ready. I open twitter and type out a quick announcement that I'm going live with a link. Within minutes, thousands of people are here. 

$5.00 It's been so long!!! We missed you uwu. How are you doing?
-2olivia2

"Hey Olivia! Thank you for the five dollars! I've missed you guys too but I'm doing well now." The lie slips off my tongue seamlessly. Chat seems satisfied with this answer. "Anyway, today is just gonna be chill practicing speedrunning."

$10.69 I'm glad you're back. Are you going to play on the Dream SMP at all? You missed a lot.
-mavipb

"Uhh, I don't know about that. I haven't been on in a while, so I'm not really sure what to expect. Maybe later, though" I open a new survival world and start the timer.  It goes well for a while. I get into the nether around ten minutes, but it takes forever to find a stupid fortress.

I decide to keep going even though it won't be a good time. Once I get all the blaze rods I need, I start trading. This takes a while longer than preferable as well, but I continue. Once back in the overworld, I start tracking down the stronghold. It's half exposed in a ravine, so I don't even have to dig around. As I'm destroying an End crystal, a dono comes in.

$15.00 Dream is in the chat!!! Good luck killing the dragon :)
-kateunite28

"Huh?" I say, trying to read chat. I look back at my screen just in time to see myself being flung off the top of a tower by the dragon. I desperately change to my water bucket, but I'm too late. My screen turns red and I'm stuck staring at a pile of my supplies. 

Chat is absolutely screaming now. Mixes of nonsense and disappointment streak down my screen. There's no way for me to check if the dono was true or not now. "Ugh, okay guys. That sucked. Sorry, I looked away at the wrong time apparently."

$25.00 SMP PLEASE IM BEGGING. also ily.
-mentonotfound

"Okay, okay. I guess I'll play on the SMP for a little while." When I log onto the server, I'm still in my house. The archway George built is still in tact to my surprise. Tubbo, Quackity, and Karl are on the server. Each of them says a variation of hello after I log in.

<mooitsme> hey! :)
<KarlJacobs> wanna join our vc?
<mooitsme> sure.

This is why I didn't want to join the server, honestly. But I know it'll be fun with them. When I join the vc, a chorus of hello's greets me. "Hey guys. What's going on?"

"We're gonna build a giant ice cream cone. Wanna help?"

"Sure. I have a bunch of colored wool left over from building my house if you want it." Quackity takes charge in decorating the ice cream itself while Tubbo and I work on the base. I have no idea where Karl went, but he's also streaming, so he mutes himself to read donos fairly often.

After an hour of this, I decide to end the stream. Everyone says goodbye, so I leave the vc. "Okay guys. Unfortunately it's time to end the stream. I know it was kinda short, but I seriously gotta get some sleep."

I read chat for a few more minutes, trying to respond to as many questions as possible, but now the tiredness is really setting in. "Oh, if you guys wanna watch, this weekend I'm swimming in the Prelims in Georgia!" I spam the link to the website it will be streamed on in chat for a minute. "Anyway, goodnight you guys! Thank you so so SO much for watching."

Just as I'm about to end my stream, a final donation pops up.

$30.00 Goodnight!! Will Thomas be on your next stream? We haven't seen him in a while :(
-yorkgeowap

A gasp gets caught in the back of my throat. Suddenly, hot tears are falling down my cheeks at an uncontrollable rate. I mute my mic to avoid being caught. Eventually, I pull myself together and unmute. "Sorry about that guys. My- uh- mom walked into the room. Uh, I don't think Thomas is gonna be back for a while. He doesn't play minecraft much anymore."

I don't wait for any responses to my lie. I just end the stream and shut my computer off. Guilt washes over me quickly. I should have just told the truth or even just ignored the dono all together. My phone rings next to me- Clay.

I ignore it. Moments later, a voicemail comes through. I'll just add it to the other 23 voicemails he's already left. I don't have time to think about this right now. Prelims are my only focus.

To be continued...