Weeping Willow Tears

34-B

I ran down the street hard breathing heavily as I went. I tripped over my feet a couple times as I weaved my way from Caroline's to the Mikealson place. Esther said something had happened and I had to make sure it wasn't Kol or Elena or Klaus. In some ways it should be sad that getting him back took up this much of my mind. Yet I didn't care. It didn't seem fair that Elena should get a form of a happy ending with Klaus of all people and I couldn't have Kol. I deserve him. So if it means that I have to bring him back to make that happen I will. And no one is gonna make me feel any type of way about that. When I got back Esther was talking to Elena and they looked upset. I walked over trying to read from their body language what was wrong.

"I'm here. So who's gonna tell me what I gotta fix" Esther sighed and looked away from me "I- I don't know how to say this Bonnie but there's no bringing Kol back" I frowned looking around and crossing my arms "What are you talking about? Of course there is. You know what the issue is? We keep trying to find solutions separately if we put all our heads together we'll be able to do it" Esther put her hand on my shoulder giving me some excuse about why we couldn't. Something about balance. I wasn't listening though I looked at Elena who wouldn't meet my eye and the rest of the Mikealson family who was fighting to accept what Esther was determining. I didn't even let Esther finish I shook my head and just left. I could Esther and the rest calling for me to come back but I didn't care what they said. I would bring the man I love back and no one was going to get in my way. I had only got down the street before Elena grabbed my arm and stopped me "Bonnie! Bon! Bonnie listen to me. I get what you're feeling right now. Better than anyone. Esther's tried everything Bonnie. She has nothing. I know what you want. What you need but I don't want you to kill yourself trying to make something that can't happen happen" I snatched my arm away from her and screamed out pulling at my hair.

She put her hand on my shoulder the same as Esther and I shoved her off "You've got some nerve. Telling me what I can't have. After everything with Klaus... I never told you you'd never find each other again. I never took that from you. Why? Why take this from me? Haven't I done everything right? I deserve this" she closed her eyes and breathed in and out as if she had to collect herself before she spoke "No. You didn't tell me that I would never find my way back but you did say that he was horrible, that he doesn't love me, that I should just forget him and move on" I remember that. I did tell her that. But "That was different" we said at the same time "You're right. It was different. Because Klaus having issues and Kol being dead are two entirely different circumstances. People can change that happens all the time. But bringing people back from the dead that's decidedly less common. I'm not trying to take anything from you Bon. I love you more than anyone and of course I think you deserve him but let's be real... If you can't summon the energy to bring an original back then it just can't be done. That's not your fault. I'm sorry that I even have to say this to you but I just want you to understand" I understood and hearing her talk I wasn't mad at her. She was coming from the same angle I was with Klaus. She just wants me to be ok and she knows that as long as I chase dead ends I'll never be that.

I looked down and I couldn't contain the wave of emotion that hit me. Elena took careful steps over to me enveloping me in his arms and rubbing my back while I broke down in her arms. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't. How do you say goodbye to someone you spent centuries with and promised you eternity? Why would he promise that if he was going to leave me? I couldn't even be mad at him because he wasn't here to be mad at. I'd just be mad at nothing which is what I would live with without him. I'd eventually separated from Elena and went home against her and Caroline's wishes. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want people fawning over me, I just wanted to be sad in peace. I laid flat on my back looking at my ceiling wondering what death would be like. Wondering if that would bring us back together. It's what I wanted. But that would mean giving up Elena, at the thought I shook it away. We've always been there for each other. If I died it would crush her. I sighed hating the best friend in me. I closed my eyes and stood up letting my body take me where it wanted to be.

I'd avoided doing it for the longest. It was the last place I wanted to go because it made everything real. It would take the hope out of my heart I know it would but maybe Elena was right. It was time to let go. I took a deep breath as my eyes fell on the tombstone his name etched in the marble beautifully. I wasn't surprised at how grand it was. His body wasn't buried his ashes were on top of it. The Mikealson's likely didn't want to keep them around. Reminders weren't their thing. I would've kept them but like them I could hardly stand to look at them. I might've been worse than they were this is the first time I've been here since they first put him here months ago. I knelt down my hands landing ungracefully on the tombstone the vase with his ashes in it knocking over. With my hands on them I cried my heart out. I screamed out to the top of my lungs letting out every inch of pain. The trees blew around me as I let out everything. I sat there for hours weeping my tears falling on the ashes and the headstone. If this had been a different time I would've been sorry about getting it dirty. But I was barely capable of pulling myself back into a standing position. Let alone cleaning anything.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before speaking. My voice cracked and croaked as I attempted to use it. I cleared it and tried again swallowing before I did "I love you. God I love you. When I- when they told me there was nothing I could do I wanted to scream and throw a fit about how they didn't care like I did because they wouldn't go to lengths I would to bring you back. They wouldn't do have of what I would to bring you back to me. That's how much I need you. Yet here I am. Trying to I don't know find some sort of closure. I honestly have no idea what I think this will do because I will never love another person the way I did you. It's funny because you died never knowing that. Even if you came back I'd have to fight through the memories I have that you didn't. It's just not fair!!! Nothing about this is fair. I- I just want you to be at my house waiting to whisk me away from here. That won't happen though. This is it. The best version of goodbye I can give you because I can't say the words. Maybe we'll both be able to rest now" I whispered the last bit knowing it was a lie. I could feel it in my heart the twist, the ache, the undeniable pain. But I walked away regardless. Eyes closed every step of the way trying to push him out of my mind. Lock his memory in the very depths of my soul. I struggled to control my breathing as I heard sounds and then a voice. I didn't open my eyes scared to meet the eye of the owner.

"Bonnie?"