Weeping Willow Tears

24-B

I wasn't sure of how to move forward, the way I'd left things with Jeremy I felt bad, as if I owed him something. But what could I give him, what could I do for him? I stood in front of his room door and knocked slowly playing with my fingers trying to find anyway to explain myself. Wondering if I even should, if I should just end this. Would that be so bad? He opened the door his regular expression souring when he saw it was only me turning and leaving the door open so I could just walk in then sitting back at his desk. It seemed like he was drawing again he hadn't done any of that in a while. I sat on the edge of his bed and leaned back in his chair "So you gonna tell me what the hell has been up with you lately" I sighed and looked over at him "I don't know how to tell you this" his face looked torn down, like someone had ripped his heart out "You slept with him?" his voice cracked and he stood up abruptly anger melting off his frame.

"Jeremy, I know I've been distant but you know me better than that" he shook his head "I'm not sure what I know Bonnie. I thought I knew you loved me, but ever since you went off with Elena to do that spell you hardly speak to me. It's like you're a different person" I looked down knowing he was right, I didn't want to be around him, because he would know. He would see it in my eyes, he would feel it in the way our lips met, he would sense it in my distance. I didn't love him anymore, and I've just been wasting time trying to figure out a way to say so "What's going on Bonnie?" he sighed asking for the 90th time since I've been back "You're right" I whispered looking down at my hands while my fingers wrapped around and pulled on each other "I'm not the same Bonnie who went with Elena to do a spell. And I wish I could explain it all to you but I can't... all I can really say is, I love you Jeremy just not the way I used to anymore" he paused at hearing that he looked conflicted, anger and hurt yet confused. He looked unsure of how to respond or what it meant, he had more questions exactly what I didn't need.

"Why" was all he said after 5 minutes of silence "The person I am now just isn't connected to you the way I was" he nodded and turned his back to me staring into space. It was hard to see him like this but he needed the truth and I couldn't lie to him anymore "Is it because of him" I groaned inwardly, of course he would ask the one question I didn't want to answer. I had just said I didn't want to lie, yet I felt as if I had to, how could I say yes and explain that it wasn't what he was thinking. Would he even let me explain if I said yes, I knew the answer so that is why when I opened my mouth to speak I said only one thing "No" it was a lie because Kol had changed me forever and I would never want another soul the way I craved his. He ruined me for anyone else, the Kol of this time didn't know how much power he truly had over me and I guess in my own way I was running from that truth as I lied to Jeremy.

"That's all I wanted to know. Is there anything I can do to fix this, to make us work again?" I shook my head "I wish there was but you can't, this is how I feel and I can't help that" he nodded "I understand. Could you go please? I need time to myself" I nodded knowing I had broken his heart. Between me, Vicky, and Anna, I wasn't sure how he could handle so much heartbreak. It would've been worse if I had forced myself to love him, I know in my heart that I would've never been able to and it would have been torturous to even try. I walked straight to Elena's room after that there was no one else I wanted to be around and I'm sure she felt the same. Lately the only person who even understands me anymore is her. I thought coming home I wouldn't feel so lonely, like a stranger in time, yet here I was again with the same feeling running through me because I'd spent 800 years out of time. 

It truly felt like nothing had changed like I should've stayed where I was "Hey, how'd it go" I gave her a look and slid in next to her under her covers "What do you think" she sighed and nodded "If it makes you feel any better I got an earful from both Salvatore brothers, Stefan still wants to love me and Damon is convinced that under my facade that I love him so I have no idea how to say I don't love either of them besides just not saying anything" I laughed and shook my head "Sooooo you've been dodging them" I asked making her smile "Like the Principal on Senior Skip Day" we laughed and she turned to me laying her head on my shoulder "Is it bad that I wish I was back? I want to lay in his arms, hold him, hear him say he loves me. I miss Elijah calling me little sister and Kol being annoying. I just wanna go back" she said tear falling down her cheek and running to the nape of her neck.